Carrie: Wow, Battleship! Where did you dig this out from?
Doug: Well, I was in the attic looking for Twister, which I was hoping we could play naked, and I stumbled upon this, which we could also play naked.
Carrie: Um, don't think I want to play naked.
Doug: How about no shirts? OK. Fair enough. Let's get cracking. Come on.
Carrie: All right, well. I got to warn you. I used to rock at this game.
Doug: Yeah. You better pack a swimsuit, sweetheart. You're going down.
Carrie: Yeah, OK. Bring it!
Doug: All right. It's all you.
Carrie: All right. Here we go. B5.
Doug: Miss. C7.
Carrie: Miss. E2.
Doug: Miss. E7.
Carrie: Miss. E2.
Doug: Miss. A9.
Carrie: Miss. F1.
Doug: Miss. TV now.
Carrie: Yeah.

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie, Doug, and Arthur are at the video rental store.

Arthur: Excuse me. Where's your Raymond Burr section?
Video Store Clerk: Um, we don't have one. What's the title of the movie you're looking for?
Arthur: I'm not sure. But there's a wonderful scene on an airplane, and early in the picture, the hero mails a letter. It was about, uh, yay big.
Video Store Clerk: And it was with Raymond Burr?
Arthur: Possibly.
Doug: OK. I got seven excellent choices. You pick anyone you want.
Carrie: OK. More than half of these involve Chucky.
Doug: I'll take that as a polite pass.
Carrie: OK. And no, no, and no. Come on, these are all stupid guy movies!
Doug: Uh, I think you owe an apology to Miss Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.
Carrie: No. I saw the trailer. It looked stupid.
Doug: Hm. Sounds like someone wishes she were raiding tombs.
Carrie: Doug, tonight I want to see a romantic movie about two people who fall in love.
Doug: Well, then how about Lethal Weapon? What, these guys weren't in love?
Carrie: All right, look, put it back.
Doug: Come on, Carrie!
Carrie: Doug, it's not happening. Let it go!
Arthur: Oh, I found our picture. Raymond Burr in Destination, Istanbul!
Carrie: No, no Dad. Tonight I want-
Arthur: According to Leonard Maltin, it's Burr's finest role!!
Carrie: Fine.

Doug is hanging out watching TV with Spence and Deacon.

Doug: Hey Deac. You ever have the whole backside of both thighs go completely numb?
Deacon: No.
Doug: Huh!
Deacon: I wouldn't worry about it unless it's happening a lot.
Doug: No, no, no. No, no. What would you consider a lot?
Spence: Shh! Shh!
Doug: Hey, we're talking here, OK.
Spence: I want to hear this. I want to hear this.
TV: In the forest of No Trees, on the first day of the eternal equinox, a child is born who will ask the question that will change the course of Grunian history forever. Why must we live in darkness? Warriors of Grun, Chapter One, opens next Friday at a theater near you.
Spence: Oh my God! We are so there!
Doug: Couldn't be more not there.
Spence: You've never read the Trilogy of Grun? It's a, it's a classic. It's been translated into like, fifty different languages!
Deacon: You was doing so well. He has a girlfriend, started dressing better, and now this.
Spence: This movie is going to be huge, and I am going to be at the first show if I have to camp out for a week!
Deacon: Have you ever actually met this girlfriend?

Carrie comes in.

Carrie: Hey guys.
Doug, Spence, & Deacon: Hey!
Carrie: Hey honey. Would you do me a favor and unload these for me? I'm going to go change.
Doug: Oh. Yeah. What did you get for dinner?
Carrie: Uh, some salad fixings, and a nice piece of halibut.
Doug: Halibut?
Carrie: Yeah, my dad wanted it. It's good.
Doug: Yeah, it's the ocean's answer to pork chops. This is so annoying.
Deacon: What?
Doug: Carrie doesn't listen to me about anything. This morning I told her five things I wanted for dinner. But Arthur wanted halibut, bam, we get halibut. And last night I wanted to rent Lethal Weapon, but no, Arthur wanted to get something else. So we got to spend two hours watching some fat guy chasing his own letter to Istanbul. It's so unfair!
Deacon: You sound like my kid.
Doug: What do you mean?
Deacon: Well, he always complains that his little brother gets his own way all the time. So you know what he started doing? He started tricking the little guy into asking for the stuff he really wants. Now I got a four year old hitting me up for a Victoria's Secret calendar.

Doug goes into the kitchen to put the groceries away.

Doug: Arthur!!
Arthur: Hello Douglas.
Doug: King Arthur! How goes it?
Arthur: Did Carrie get me my fish?
Doug: Uh, yeah. I think so.
Arthur: Ah, halibut. Very healthy for the prostate. If I had one, it would be lube to a fair thee well.
Doug: Yeah. You know, you haven't told me any of your World War II stories in a long time. You were over in Italy, right?
Arthur: Uh-huh. I actually have a photo taken of myself with Mussolini. He's upside down, of course.
Doug: Oh yeah. It must have pretty wild, though, huh? I mean, gosh, being over there, all the history, the art, the pizza.
Arthur: The hookers weren't too shabby either.
Doug: I bet you they weren't too shabby. No, but back to the pizza.
Arthur: Actually, I remember the night before our assault on the German stronghold at Monte Cassino. We were just expecting our usual K-rations, but then this little baker showed up with a wagon full of freshly baked pizza pies.
Doug: Hm. I bet you they tasted pretty good.
Arthur: Ah, did they ever. When I bit into that warm, crispy, slice of heaven, it was like.
Doug: Like all the misery and horror of war just suddenly disappeared?
Arthur: Yes.

Carrie comes into the kitchen.

Carrie: Hey Dad.
Arthur: I want pizza!!!
Doug: It's OK with me. I don't care.

Doug is in the kitchen looking through the coupons. He finds one he likes. Later that day, Arthur is in the kitchen when Carrie comes in.

Arthur: I want cheese steaks!

Arthur is in the living room with Carrie.

Arthur: I want to try the new Chinese place just down the block!!

Arthur is at the foot of the stairs. Carrie comes down.

Arthur: I want Bose speakers in our car!!

Doug and Carrie are going out. Arthur is with them.

Arthur: I want fried chicken!! And waffles!!

Doug and Carrie are sitting in the living room. Arthur comes in.

Arthur: I want to watch Crank Yankers!!

Spence is walking down the street to the movie theater, ready to camp out for his movie. An employee is putting the Warriors of Grun poster in the advertisement board.

Spence: Ha-ha-ha! Yeah! Warriors of Grun, yeah! Three days and counting, am I right?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spence: Is this the line?
Kyle: No, that's the line for the movie that starts in ten minutes.
Spence: So I'm, I'm first in line?! Oh sweet!!

Spence sets up his lawn chair, and pulls out an action figure.

Spence: Hello, Dark Lord of Grun. Your faithful servant is first.

Carrie is in the kitchen writing a check. Arthur comes in.

Carrie: Hey.
Arthur: Darling, question for you. Do you find me sexually attractive?
Carrie: Well, Dad.
Arthur: Yes. I know you're my daughter. Can't you put that aside for one moment, and answer a simple question? Am I sexy?!!
Carrie: No, I can't!! Why are we even talking about this?
Arthur: Oh. Usually when I go to the senior center, I get quite a few admiring glances from the ladies. But today, zippo.
Carrie: Even in the pale blue sweat suit?
Arthur: I was surprised too. So just tell me. Have I gotten heavier?
Carrie: You look fine.
Arthur: No. I've put on weight. How can I not have with all the junk I've been eating lately?
Carrie: So? Then why don't you just eat a little better?
Arthur: Funny. I always intend to, but then Douglas starts talking to me about this and that, and suddenly I'm slumped in front of the TV, and I'm eating something terribly unhealthy.

Carrie starts thinking about the past couple of days and what Arthur has been asking for.

Arthur: I want pizza!! Chinese! Cheese steaks!! Cotton candy!! Fried chicken!!
Carrie: That sneaky bastard!!

Carrie comes home from work. Doug is in the kitchen reading.

Carrie: Hey babe.
Doug: Hey, hon. How was work?
Carrie: Good. Good. Listen, um. I'm pretty beat. I don't feel like cooking. Is it OK if we just order in?
Doug: Oh yeah sure. What are you, what are you in the mood for?
Carrie: Well, I uh, passed by this new place on my way home. Looks kind of fun.
Doug: The Vegan Cafe and Juice Hut.
Carrie: You OK with that?
Doug: Yeah, a little different, but if that's what my little lady wants, I'll give it a go.
Carrie: Oh. You're so sweet. All right, I'm going to go change. You look over the menu.
Doug: Will do.
Carrie: OK.
Doug: OK. Arthur! No oil, no butter, we only cook with love. Arthur!
Arthur: Is it dinner time yet?
Doug: Yeah, yeah, come on. Someday, huh? City life, I'll tell you. Sometimes I wish we just lived in the country. You know, lived on a farm. Wait a sec. Didn't you live on a farm?
Arthur: Yes, I did. From the ages of seven to ten. Then again at forty-three.
Doug: Wow. I bet you had a lot of animals, huh?
Arthur: Yes, we had a veritable barnyard.
Doug: What kind exactly?
Arthur: Everything. Goats.
Doug: Hm. Goats. What else?
Arthur: Chickens.
Doug: Chicken. I had chicken for lunch. Go on.
Arthur: Well uh, horses, pigs.
Doug: Pigs, pigs, you had pigs?
Arthur: Yeah, we had about a dozen of them. You know, they're actually quite loyal and intelligent animals.
Doug: And not bad eating, huh?
Arthur: Well, sure. We would marinate the ribs in a honey whiskey sauce. Then slow cook them over an open pit till the meat was so tender it was practically falling off the bone.
Doug: I bet you can still taste it, huh?
Arthur: Oh, can I.
Doug: Want to taste some tonight for dinner?
Arthur: No can do. I'm on a very strict diet.
Doug: What?

Carrie comes back into the kitchen.

Carrie: OK, you ready to order, honey?
Doug: Yeah. Um, I'll go with the grilled sweet cheese.

Doug and Deacon are hanging out getting hot dogs.

Doug: Everything was going so great, you know? I was working Arthur like a finger puppet. And out of nowhere he goes on this diet, and now I can't eat anything anymore.
Deacon: You do realize you're eating a hot dog right now.
Doug: I know that. I'm talking about when I eat at home. You know? Carrie always wants to eat healthy. Now Arthur does to. It's two to one. I'm being outvoted.
Deacon: Well, you either got to keep eating healthy, or get two other fat guys to move in with you.
Doug: That's funny. That's good.
Spence: Hey, where's my hot dog?!
Deacon: All right, it's coming. Here.
Spence: Thanks.
Doug: Did we really have to come all the way down here to give you this? I mean, the cart is ten feet away.
Spence: I can't move. I'm first in line.
Doug: There is no line.
Spence: People could come!
Deacon: So you really slept out here all night.
Spence: Yeah. Little rough. Little rough. Pretty sure someone touched me.

Spence's cell phone rings.

Spence: Oh, hang on. Hello. Yeah, no, Mom. I can't take you right now, I'm a little busy. All right. Well, wouldn't the paramedics be faster? OK, OK, all right, OK! I'm coming. Guys, I got to take my mom to the doctor. Could you guys just hold my place-
Doug: No.
Spence: For a few. Deac?
Deacon: Yeah, no sounded about right.
Spence: Oh, come on. Please!! I've been here two days! I'm going to be gone a couple hours, and you know what? Deac, you owe me. I've done a lot of stuff for you.
Deacon: Yeah? Like what?
Spence: Like when Kelly kicked you out and I let you move into my apartment three months, rent free, and created a home for you and your kids.
Doug: Have fun, guy.

Arthur is in the kitchen pouring water. Doug comes home.

Doug: Can I help you?
Arthur: What?
Doug: Arthur! I didn't recognize you from the back. You look so lean. I thought you were the Sparklets delivery guy.
Arthur: Really?
Doug: Absolutely!
Arthur: Well, I have been dieting like a madman.
Doug: And it shows! End of story, end of diet! Now let's talk about our favorite South American countries. Mine's Chile.

Carrie comes home from the gym.

Carrie: Hey guys!
Doug: Hey!
Carrie: What's up?
Arthur: Actually, Douglas was saying I might want to ease up on my diet.
Carrie: Oh. Was he?
Arthur: Yes. What do you think, darling?
Carrie: Mm. Ah, I got to be honest with you, Dad. I don't think you're uh, quite there yet.
Doug: Really? I do.
Carrie: Mm. I don't know. Turn around. Mm. Still seeing a lot of butter on the biscuit.
Doug: What rear end are you looking at?
Carrie: Right there! Jiggles McGoo!
Doug: Are you kidding? Do you know what I want for Christmas? That ass wrapped up in bicycle shorts!
Carrie: No, he doesn't, Dad. He doesn't want your ass for Christmas, OK?
Doug: I do! I do!
Carrie: Doug, I know what you've been doing, all right? I know you've been using my father to get the food that you want.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Oh, come. Don't play dumb.
Arthur: Is this true, Douglas? So, I guess my summer in Bologna meant nothing to you. Excuse me.
Doug: Tonight's dinner is your call. I'm easy. You know, this whole thing is really your fault.
Carrie: Excuse me?
Doug: Yeah. I only did all that because, you know what? I never get any of the things I want around here. I don't get the food I want, I don't get the videos I want. You know, I let Arthur live in my house and he gets anything he asks for, and I'm your husband, and I get nothing!!
Carrie: Really?
Doug: Yeah.
Carrie: You get nothing? Cause I'm, cause I'm kind of thinking back here, and I'm remembering ordering a lot of pizzas for you, and watching a lot of Stallone movies that I'm pretty sure weren't my idea. Oh, and then there was that lizard that I let you buy that may, or may not still be in this house somewhere. And I'm sorry. I'm confused. Was it my idea to drive ten hours to the Ultimate Fighting Championship in Dayton, Ohio?
Doug: No, but you controlled the radio most of the way.
Carrie: OK, so what are we talking about here, Doug, huh? What things haven't you gotten your way on? List them for me.
Doug: I guess it was that video that Arthur wanted, and then the halibut.
Carrie: So, two things.
Doug: Well, two in a row.
Carrie: Oh.

Deacon is holding Spence's place in line, when two of Deacon's friends show up to watch a movie.

Tony: Deac?
Deacon: Oh, hey guys. What's up?
Tony: What's up, man? We are going to go check out the Jet Li movie. What are you doing?
Deacon: Uh, nothing. Just, uh, just chilling.
Will: What's up with the wizard, man?
Deacon: Uh, uh, that's actually, it's a friend's.
Tony: Ha-ha! Hold up. Are you lined up for that Grun thing?
Deacon: No, no man. I told you, I'm just holding the place for my friend.
Will: Homie is all Grunned up.
Tony: Ha-ha! All right man!
Deacon: You know? Wait up, guys.

Arthur is sitting in the kitchen eating. Doug comes in.

Doug: Hey Arthur.
Arthur: Hello.
Doug: You uh, you want some ice cream?
Arthur: No, no. This cottage cheese is all I'm allowed.
Doug: Look, you don't need to diet, OK? You look great.
Arthur: Don't Douglas! My body image is topsy turvy right now.
Doug: I'm really sorry about everything, OK? If it makes you feel any better, Carrie's really mad at me, and she's not letting it go.
Arthur: How bad is it?
Doug: Well, she won't talk to me, she won't look me in the eye, and I'm pretty sure there won't be any shimmy sham in the near future.
Arthur: My second wife Lily used to shut the gate on me pretty good too.
Doug: Really? Why don't you tell me about that?

Carrie is upstairs reading a magazine. Arthur comes in.

Arthur: I want you to have sex with Douglas!!! And I want pizza!!

Deacon comes out of the movie theater with his friends and notices that Spence's place in line has been lost.

Deacon: It was all right, man! Let's go that way.

Spence comes down the block bragging about how he's first in line.

Spence: I'm in the front of the line. Been here a few days. I'm just going to go back up, and nice one. Excellent. Ooh, Morphel Sword. Brilliant, yeah. Neat boots. Work it.

Spence notices he has lost his place.