Spence and Carrie are hanging out at Cooper's.

Spence: So there I am, watching TV with my mom, and I turn to her and go, 'Hey, when is Aunt Winnie getting here?' so I hear Larry King on the TV say, 'She'll be with us at seven.' See he was talking about a guest, uh, I think it was Joyce DeWitt, or Cindy Williams, I always get those two mixed up, but it sounded like he was answering me. It's weird, isn't it?
Carrie: I wonder where Doug is.
Deacon: I bet you wish to God you hadn't lost your house key.
Carrie: No, no. This is nice.
Spence: Did you read that thing in the Times about how some men can lactate?

Doug and Richie walk in.

Doug: It was awesome!
Richie: I'm telling you, it's a rush every time you get on.
Doug: Hey.
Carrie: Hey, babe. What's up?
Doug: Oh, not much. I was just out riding on Richie's hog.
Carrie: OK, please rephrase that.
Richie: I got a motorcycle.
Carrie: Really?
Doug: Yeah, it's unbelievable! We went from here to like Models and back in like two minutes. It's so fast! You zip in and out of traffic, and I got to level with you. There was a breeze blowing up my shorts that felt like Christmas.
Carrie: Very nice. House key, please?
Doug: Oh, right. God, that was so cool. Everybody's looking at you like, whizzing by, and then out of nowhere, Richie just pulls this wheelie.
Richie: I wasn't calling for one. You just leaned back.
Spence: Oh, from here, it sounds like Mr. Doug wants to buy himself a motorcycle.
Doug: You know what? I am a little tempted.
Richie: Moose, you should see the guy that I got mine from. He's got some real beauties. Cheap, and they run like new.
Doug: You, you know what? Give me his number. Maybe I'll give him a call.
Carrie: EEEEHHH. You're not getting a motorcycle.
Doug: Why not? If I want-
Carrie: OK, Doug. Did you not hear my buzzing noise? This is not going to happen.
Doug: Why not?
Carrie: Because they're dangerous, and people die on them. I don't want to have to constantly worry about you.
Doug: Yeah, but Carrie, I wouldn't be doing-
Carrie: Doug. No motorcycle. If you want, I'll buy you a Schwinn, we'll put a baseball card in the spokes, and it'll sound almost the same. OK?
Doug: Screw that noise. I can get one if I want.
Carrie: OK, Doug. Give me your hand. I want to make this easy for you. No. No. Now give me the keys. I don't want to miss The Real World. I love you, don't be home late. Bye, guys.
Deacon, Richie, & Spence: Bye.

Deacon, Richie, and Spence are staring at Doug.

Doug: What?
Deacon: Nothing. So um, you want to shoot some pool, Mrs. Heffernan?
Richie: Yeah, we could spot you two balls.
Spence: Hey, so much for traditional gender roles, huh? I'm going to use the bathroom.
Deacon: So yeah. You want to shoot a game?
Doug: Nah. You, you know what? No thanks.
Deacon: Come on, man. We were just kidding around.
Doug: It, it's not you, it's Carrie. I mean, what was that about? No. No discussion. EEEEHHH. Sorry. EEEEHHH. EEEEHHH. Sorry, not going to. EEEEHHH.
Deacon: Easy. Easy.
Doug: I just thought marriage was supposed to be this mutual, sharing, dialog thing.
Deacon: No.
Doug: Yeah, well you know what? Ours is. Usually.
Deacon: Oh, really? Last year, um, where was it you wanted to go on vacation?
Doug: Baseball Hall of Fame.
Deacon: Baseball Hall of Fame. Cooper's Town. And um, where did you end up going?
Doug: Antiquing in Connecticut.
Deacon: And so you did. And uh, last week, when we were renting movies to watch with the wives, um, what did we end up renting?
Doug: I've no, I can't remember.
Deacon: No, no. What did we rent?
Doug: I don't know.
Deacon: What did we rent?!
Doug: "Hope Floats", all right, there it is! "Hope Floats!"
Deacon: You see what I'm saying? You're married. Don't fight it. You just got to focus on a point on the wall and let it happen.
Doug: No. No. You know what? You focus. Not this guy. I'm picking up my own soap and I'm getting out of the shower.

Doug is at the motorcycle shop.

Dirk: It's pretty sweet, huh?
Doug: Oh, that she is. Richie's right. You, uh, do nice work.
Dirk: Yeah, I hollowed out the cams, put in bigger piston heads, you know, give it a couple more horses.
Doug: Good, good, yeah, cause I uh, probably would have hollowed them out myself, now I don't have to. It's good.
Dirk: So you want to do the deal?
Doug: Mm. I don't know. What do you want for it?
Dirk: $1,200.
Doug: Mm. It's a nice bike, but I don't know if it's $1,200 nice.
Dirk: $1,200.
Doug: It is nice. Still, I don't know. You know, $1,200.
Dirk: What are you looking for?
Doug: I don't know. Here's $1,200.

Arthur comes upstairs. Carrie is in the kitchen.

Arthur: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
Carrie: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
Arthur: No, no. I just wanted to press my pants. I got a job interview in the morning.
Carrie: Really? Good for you! What for?
Arthur: Head of Pediatrics, Long Island Jewish.
Carrie: Great. Sure hope you don't get it.
Arthur: OK. I think I know where that came from. Now look. I love you. When I go back to work, you will not become a latch key child. That is my pledge to you.

Doug drives the motorcycle home and is trying to park in the garage. He hits the outside of the garage, then drives in, and comes to a jerky stop. He gets off and falls down. After getting up, he dusts himself off. Doug goes into the kitchen. Carrie is still in the kitchen.

Carrie: Hey babe.
Doug: Hi.
Carrie: What happened? I thought you were coming home right after work.
Doug: Uh, actually, I stopped somewhere first. In fact, I uh, I need to talk to you.
Carrie: Let me just get dinner started real quick.
Doug: Uh, dinner can wait. You know, I, I want to get this out now.
Carrie: Dinner can wait? OK. Now you're really scaring me. Well. What?
Doug: Carrie, sometimes in a marriage, there comes a time when one of the members of that marriage needs to express themselves in a way that-

Arthur comes in the kitchen door.

Arthur: Douglas, that is one bad-ass motorcycle you got out there. Nice work, kiddo!
Carrie: You got a motorcycle?
Doug: Can I finish my story, please?
Carrie: You got a motorcycle?!!
Doug: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I got a bike, I got a bike. I got a bike. There I said it. I don't care. I said it. It's out there.
Arthur: By the way, Douglas, did Carrie tell you I got a job interview? Honey, you can't run from this. Daddy needs to work! Douglas, get her!

Carrie has run into the garage.

Carrie: Have you lost your mind? I mean, we discussed this!
Doug: No, no, we didn't discuss it! You discussed it! I barely got a sentence in!
Carrie: Doug, I specifically forbade you from buying this!
Doug: Forbade me? Forbade? You can't forbade me!
Carrie: Are you insane? I mean, what the hell do you think you're doing here?!
Doug: I knew you would overreact like this. Look, I just wanted one. Huh? It'll be fun!
Carrie: Fun?! Really? Will it be fun when you're in a wheelchair?!
Doug: Maybe.
Carrie: This is going back tomorrow.
Doug: No, it's not going back tomorrow.
Carrie: Oh, it is.
Doug: Uh-uh, uh, it's not.
Carrie: It's so going back.
Doug: It's so not going back.
Carrie: OK, Doug. Not only are you stupid for buying this, but you're arguing about in a really annoying way.
Doug: Tough noogies. Look, I'm keeping the motorcycle. For once, I'm wearing the pants in the family!
Carrie: Fine. Keep the damn bike.
Doug: I will!
Carrie: Fine!
Doug: I will!
Carrie: Fine!
Doug: I will!
Carrie: And by the way, if you want to wear the pants, you might think about pulling them up.

Arthur comes upstairs wearing a uniform, which includes a hat with a pretzel on it. Carrie is in the kitchen.

Arthur: Well, Peaches. I think congratulations are in order. Your father got himself a job.
Carrie: Well I'm going to assume it's not the head of pediatrics?
Arthur: No, no. Unfortunately, they did a little fishing around. So instead, I accepted an offer from an enterprise known as A Big Hot Pretzel.
Carrie: Well, the important thing is, you still get to work with kids. Congratulations. I'm proud of you.
Arthur: Thank you. Pay is not great, but they agreed to let me work evenings. That way, you and I can have our days together.
Carrie: I'd love to, Dad, but you know, I work during the day.
Arthur: Come on, darling. You're going to have to be flexible if we're going to make this work.
Carrie: OK, well I guess, my only other option is to quit my job?
Arthur: That's my girl. Sewing kit. Here we go. I've got to let the crotch out on these trousers. After all, I'm selling pretzels, not myself.

Doug walks in the kitchen door wearing a leather jacket and a bandanna.

Doug: What's up?
Carrie: Hey, babe. Kiss?
Doug: You, uh, you want to know where I was? I was out cruising.
Carrie: Good for you, sweetie!
Doug: I was on my motorcycle.
Carrie: I know. I know. I'm fine with that.
Doug: You are.
Carrie: Yeah, you know. I had a good night's sleep, thought things through, and I, I figured, hey, you know what? If a motorcycle makes you happy, then I'm happy too. Because you know what? Life is too short not to do the things that make you happy. Right? Right. So you want to split an egg roll? Do you?
Doug: Oh. What are you doing here?
Carrie: What? Oh, oh this? I'm just doing what makes me happy. Oh, you know what? These are so smooth. They've come a long way, baby.
Doug: Oh, so you're going to get cancer to make a point?
Carrie: Sure! I'll be in an iron lung, you'll be in a wheelchair, hey, you know what? Maybe we can chip in and share a helper monkey.
Doug: All right, you know what? It's not going to work. You can smoke all you want. I don't care.
Carrie: Well, I'm glad you feel that way, sweetie.
Doug: Oh, I do. I do, I do. You know. Look, I'm not going to play games, Carr. I'm not going to that place where you want me to go here. You know? If you want to ruin your lungs, then that's- all right. Put her out! I can't eat in that stink!
Carrie: Well, then go eat with your motorcycle, cause I likes to smoke while I eat.
Doug: Fine. You know what? I will. I will. You know what? I will, and you can smoke all you want, cause I'm keeping my motorcycle. Duck sauce!

Doug is riding his motorcycle, and tries to show off, but doesn't know how to drive it that well. He takes Arthur to work every day, he rides in the rain, and he cannot brake soon enough every time he pulls into the garage.
Doug is in the garage watching a show, and a man drives a motorcycle off a cliff. The motorcycle explodes seconds later. Arthur comes in.

Arthur: Oh, don't mind me. I'm just looking for something. Oh thank God. You know, if you lose one of these things, it comes right out of your paycheck. I already owe them for that stupid soda machine. So uh, you still enjoying the chopper?
Doug: Huh? Oh yeah, it's, it's great.
Arthur: Don't let Carrie get you down. You know, when I had my motorcycle, her mother was the same way.
Doug: You had a bike?
Arthur: Sure, loved it too. The great open road, rumble of your machine, camaraderie of your gang brothers.
Doug: You, you were in a gang?
Arthur: Not really. I asked them to let me in, but they drank heavily all weekend, and beat me pretty severely.
Doug: OK.
Arthur: And I think I may have been compromised by a gentleman named Road Dog.

Deacon, Spence, and Richie are sitting on the couch in the garage watching TV. Doug drives his motorcycle in, hits the fridge, and falls off.

Doug: God, I hate you!! Carrie!!
Carrie: Up here! Hey. Want to have sex?
Doug: I'm getting rid of the bike.
Carrie: You are?
Doug: Mm-hmm. Selling it tomorrow. You happy?
Carrie: Well, yeah! What happened? You get sick of it?
Doug: No, sorry. No, I didn't get sick of it.
Carrie: You got sick of it.
Doug: No!
Carrie: Yes!
Doug: No, let me tell you something, Carrie. I love that bike, OK? I'm a free spirit on that bike. Me and that bike are like this! OK?
Carrie: Then why are you getting rid of it?
Doug: Why, you ask me? Because it just so happens that I love this, more. This is why I'm getting rid of the bike, and no other reason. And you know what? If you can't understand that, then how sad your world must be.

Carrie is sitting outside at the picnic table, smoking. She hears a noise, dumps her cigarette into her soda can, and tries to wave the smoke away.

Arthur: Ah, there she is, the harpy who made her husband sell his motorcycle.
Carrie: Dad, please.
Arthur: Please nothing. I know why you did this, but let me tell you one thing, motorcycle or no motorcycle, I'll find a way to get to work!
Carrie: Dad.
Arthur: I'll take the bus if I have to. Sure, the bus can't pick me up at my front door, or make my tooshie feel good with its shifting vibrations-
Carrie: Dad! Wait, would you just listen to me, please? I'm glad you got a job! I made Doug get rid of the motorcycle because they're way too dangerous.
Arthur: Uh-huh. Well, you know what's more dangerous?
Carrie: What?
Arthur: Having somebody resent you for making them give up their dream. And you know what's even more dangerous? Leaving a pair of boxer shorts lying on a space heater, so if you'll excuse me!

Doug walks into the garage, and sees the motorcycle there... again.

Doug: I sold you.
Carrie: Oh, you're home already! I didn't get a chance to put the bow on it yet! Well, here.
Doug: What, what have you done?
Carrie: I felt really guilty about making you sell it, and I didn't want you to hate me for the rest of your life, so I bought it back!
Doug: You bought it back, that's, you bought it back.
Carrie: So what's the deal? I don't get a hug for this?
Doug: Oh yeah, OK, yeah!
Carrie: Now, no riding at night, no riding on the expressway, and no riding in bad weather, you got it?
Doug: Yeah, yeah.
Carrie: Oh wait! I got another surprise for you.
Doug: They just keep coming, don't they?
Carrie: Now we can go riding together! Look at me. I'm Pinky Tuscadero! Come on, let's take it for a spin. Let's bust some heads, baby!
Doug: OK.
Carrie: Come on!!
Doug: OK. Yeah!! All right.
Carrie: Honey, don't you need to like, start it, or something?
Doug: Funny story. Hey, get ready to laugh. Turns out I hate the bike.
Carrie: What?
Doug: I hate it. Hey, let's go buy you a gift. Come on.
Carrie: Doug! What do you mean you hate the bike?! I thought you loved this thing!
Doug: I don't love it, OK?! I mean, I get rained on, people laugh at me, and at night, no one can see you! At night, you're going to die, you might as well just face it, you're going to die!
Carrie: Well, then what was that load of crap you gave me about how much you loved it, but you loved this more?!
Doug: I was embarrassed, all right? I was just trying to get out of this with a shred of manhood!
Carrie: And you thought you'd do that by making me feel guilty for the rest of my life?!
Doug: It felt right at the time, yeah.
Carrie: What is wrong with you?
Doug: AH! I fell there! Look, it was your fault too!
Carrie: My fault?
Doug: Yeah, that buzzer noise is so insulting! You know? Look, I don't like it when you do it in front of my friends. And I really don't like it when you do it during sex.
Carrie: Anybody would have buzzed you on that one.
Doug: Hello! It was dark, I was disoriented.
Carrie: OK. I'm sorry I buzzed you about getting the motorcycle. I just did it because I love you.
Doug: I love you too. Come here.
Carrie: All right. Well, let's see where we're at with this thing. We got a bike that we don't want, that we bought twice, and I'm addicted to smoking.
Doug: Yeah, but we, we still got this, right?
Carrie: Hmm? Oh, yeah, we still have this. OK, um, I guess I'll just call Dirk tomorrow, and see if I can get my $800 back.
Doug: Eight? You uh, you got the bike for eight?
Carrie: Yeah, he wanted $1,200. Can you believe that?
Doug: That's ridiculous.

Carrie is in the shower. Doug is brushing his teeth.

Carrie: Hey honey!
Doug: Hey! How are you feeling?
Carrie: Great! This nicotine patch really worked! It's like, cigarette? No thanks!
Doug: Good, I'm glad you feel that way.
Carrie: Doug, I think we're getting a little low on shampoo, can you pick up some later?
Doug: You got it.
Carrie: Oh, and don't forget, we're having dinner with Deacon and Kelly on Thursday.