Arthur: Fine looking lady, twelve o'clock. Look at the walking sticks on her. She's the A-train, and it's a lucky man who's holding a token. All aboard! You know what I'm saying, huh?
Doug: Yeah, she's uh, she's pretty cute.
Arthur: What did you say?
Doug: I'm agreeing with you. She's uh, cute.
Arthur: You're putting me in a very uncomfortable position here, Douglas.
Doug: What?
Arthur: You're married to my daughter and you're ogling another woman right in front of me??! How dare you!!
Doug: I'm just trying to walk my dog.
Arthur: Fine! Sweet charity. That's a tasty looking lamb chop. You with me?

OPENING CREDITS

Deacon, Richie, Spence come over to Doug and Carrie's house to hang out with Doug.

Deacon: Hey boy.
Doug: Hey, I thought you guys weren't getting here till like 8:00.
Richie: Yeah, Well, we could have got here at 8:00, but then we would have been too late to sit behind the home plate at the Met game.
Doug: The Mets tonight? I could kiss you on the mouth.
Spence: Excuse me. I'm the one who bought the tickets.
Richie: Got to go, gents.
Doug: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me just leave a note for Carrie.
Deacon: Did you know beers are $5.50 at Shane now?
Richie: Oh yeah? Well, they're free here.

Carrie comes home. Doug is in the living room about to leave her a note.

Carrie: UGGGHHH!!!! I had the worst day.
Doug: You did, huh? Want to uh, very quickly tell me about it?
Carrie: My firm just won that big airline case, which I worked 2,000 hours on, and my boss walks around the office, and thanks everybody personally by name. Did I get a thanks?!
Doug: Um, I hope so?
Carrie: No. I got a, 'where's my bagel?' I was so ticked off that I stole a bottle of white out, and it opened in my purse. Hug, honey?
Doug: Uh, sure, yeah, yeah. Come here. Yeah. There you go. You feel better? That was good, huh? Yeah.
Carrie: Yeah. Massage.

Richie and Spence are stealing beer out of the fridge.

Spence: OK, why am I the one who has to smuggle beer in?
Richie: Cause you're oddly shaped as it is. Suck in your stomach.
Spence: OK. Oh, cold beer. Cold!
Deacon: Hey, what's taking Doug so long?

Doug is sitting in the living room. Carrie is laying on his lap.

Carrie: Mmm. Honey that feels so good. You are my official rub boy for the rest of the night. OK, stop it, stop it. You're in the eye.
Deacon: Uh, hi, Carrie.
Carrie: Hi.
Deacon: Doug, it's a quarter of.
Carrie: What's up?
Doug: Spence, uh, Spence got us Met tickets. It's all here in the note.
Carrie: Why didn't you just tell me? Why did you let me keep babbling?
Doug: Because I care about you. But I also care about the Mets, so I was torn.
Carrie: Go have fun! Go!
Doug: Really?
Carrie: Yes! Yeah, go.
Doug: You know what? You should call a friend and go out too. You know? Have a good time!
Carrie: Yeah, maybe. I'll see.
Doug: We always said that Friday night was friend night.
Carrie: Honey, would you just go? I'll be fine.
Doug: I love you.
Deacon: Doug!!
Doug: Coming now, see you later.

Carrie is on the phone trying to get someone to hang out with.

Carrie: Hey, Kel. It's me. Want to go grab some dinner tonight? Oh, I don't mind going with you and the kids. You promised them Chuck E. Cheese, huh? Hey Lynn. I know we haven't talked for three years, but I got to tell you, I don't even remember what our fight was about. OK, Lynn. Lynn. Lynn? Lynn! OK, fine. You know what? You're still a slut.

Doug has come home from the game. Carrie is doing a puzzle in the kitchen.

Doug: Hey you.
Carrie: Hey, how was the game?
Doug: Oh it was great. Extra innings. Which means, let's face it, I ate more. Mm. I'm guessing you didn't go out tonight.
Carrie: Nah.
Doug: Huh, that's a lot of gum balls.
Carrie: It's pretty easy once you get the edges.
Doug: Still. I thought you were going to call one of your friends.
Carrie: I don't have any friends.
Doug: What are you talking about? You have friends.
Carrie: I did. Now they all have babies, or they hate me, or I hate them. You know, why don't we just forget this whole friend night thing, and you and I just hang out on Friday night?
Doug: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's certainly one way to go. Or we keep friend night and we uh, find you a friend, huh?
Carrie: Find me a friend. OK, that doesn't make me sound too pathetic.
Doug: You know what? I just remembered. There's a woman about your age who just moved in down the street.
Carrie: So?
Doug: It's fate. Hi fate!

Doug has taken Carrie over to the new neighbor's house.

Doug: Oh, hey smoker. Honey, huh? Carrie here used to be a big smoker. Still would be too, except she started to cough up black stuff. Nah, but she loved it.
Jessica: So what house are you in?
Carrie: Uh, 8013, just down the block.
Jessica: Oh, wait. There was a really cute guy who came out of 8017.
Carrie: Mm. Freak.
Jessica: Really?
Carrie: Mm-hmm. He has a rabbit, and he walks it. You'll see him.
Jessica: Shoot. I was hoping for a piece of that.
Carrie: Me too. Oh, kidding honey.
Doug: Hey, look at this. You both want to sleep with the same guy. Hey, I'll watch the rabbit.

Doug and Arthur are both in the kitchen.

Arthur: Douglas.
Doug: Arthur.
Arthur: Thank God it's dinner time.
Doug: TGID, right?
Arthur: What?
Doug: Never mind. Never mind. So, did you have a good day?
Arthur: Oh yeah. Very busy. Long story short, all the shag carpet is now the same length.
Doug: Hey, where's the food?
Arthur: I don't know.
Doug: It's usually just right here.
Arthur: What do we do?
Doug: I don't know, I don't know.
Arthur: What do we do?!
Doug: Hey, I know about as much as you do right now! CARRIE!
Arthur: SWEETHEART!
Doug: CARRIE!
Arthur: Douglas, is there a Plan B?

Carrie and Jessica come in the kitchen door.

Carrie: Are you kidding me?
Jessica: They're huge, and she still says they're real.
Carrie: Oh stop. They still have the price tag on them. Hi sweetie. Hi Dad.
Jessica: Hi Doug. Hi Mr. Spooner.
Arthur: Please, call me Dutch.
Carrie: Sorry we're late. We were shopping and we picked up some Greek food from this place Jess knows.
Doug: Oh, so you guys were together again today, huh? Hey I did a pretty good job. I got a natural ability for this, don't I? It's a gift, it's a gift, it really is. God gave me the gift. I got the power!

Doug and Carrie are eating dinner with Carrie's new friend Jessica, and Arthur.

Doug: So this morning I'm scanning bar codes with the new 826, for it's got to be like half the morning, right? I mean, I scan, send it out, scan, send it out, then I check down finally-
Carrie: Wasn't there supposed to be some lumpy balls?
Jessica: Lumpy balls. White stuff.
Carrie: Ah, thank you.
Doug: Anyway, I look down at the data bank, and there's nothing. There's no data. And those packages, they're out there. They're gone. Right?
Carrie: Oh my God. This is awesome.
Jessica: I know, I know. Can you even believe there is a place this good in that skeevy little mini mall?
Carrie: I know! You know what? This goes to show you maybe we should try that gynecologist on the second floor, huh?
Jessica: You first.
Carrie: You first, lady.
Jessica: You first. Get in there.
Carrie: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. What were you saying?
Doug: OK. So the packages, they're gone, right? Without a shred of data. Oh and by the way, this all happening on a day when we're a man short. So what I do is-

Jessica's phone rings.

Jessica: Oh it's me. Oh, do you mind?
Doug: Oh, no, no, no. Just remember scanner broken, man short.
Jessica: Hello. Oh, hi! Uh-huh. It's Steve. Yeah.
Doug: Who's Steve?
Carrie: Shh. Shh. Shh.
Arthur: Who did she say Steve was?
Doug: She didn't say.
Arthur: Steve Allen?
Carrie: Shh. It's her ex-husband.
Jessica: No, I do not have your precious DVD player. I don't even know what a DVD player is. Listen, I'm pulling into a parking garage right now, so if I lose you.

Jessica hangs up.

Carrie: Oh, yeah, parking garage. I like that. You know, I usually use tunnel, but I think people are catching on to that one, you know?
Jessica: So uh, anyway, you were saying about work, the scale at work?
Doug: Scanner.
Carrie: Mm, right the scanner. So what happened?
Doug: OK, um, scanner broken, man down. Packages gone, right? And then, turns out, one of the packages on the truck was full of scanners.
Carrie: That's funny, baby.
Doug: It is funny.
Arthur: Oh sure, it's funny. Barrel of laughs. Until little Jimmy doesn't get his new bike!
Doug: You don't understand the point of the story. See, it's ironic that our scanner went down and we sent out a perfectly good box of scanners without scanning it!
Arthur: That's not ironic.
Doug: Yes it is!! Forget it, I'm getting a beer.
Carrie: So what else did you get besides the DVD Player?
Jessica: His Solar Flex and his insulin.
Carrie: You got the insulin.
Jessica: Yes I did. I hid it.
Doug: Ow, not a twist off.

Doug comes home from work and Carrie is on the phone.

Carrie: No Jess. You are totally right.
Doug: Hey!
Carrie: No, I mean, if they screwed it up, you shouldn't have to pay for it.
Doug: I'm home.
Carrie: No, I've done that, about like a year ago, they made my nails look like crap, and I just walked out. Uh-huh? And then what did she say? Really? So what happened?
Arthur: She still talking to Jessica?
Doug: Uh, yeah.
Arthur: Ah, that young lady is a breath of fresh air. Such passion, such audavie. Something we could use a little more of around here.
Doug: What are you, what are you trying to say?
Arthur: That was not your best package story last night.
Doug: I was interrupted.
Arthur: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Carrie: Honey, you're going out with your friends Friday night, right?
Doug: Yeah, well we didn't talk yet, but I don't even-
Carrie: Yeah, I can go. Yeah, that sounds great.
Doug: Yeah, I can go. Yeah, that sounds great.

Doug is laying on the bed. Carrie comes in the bedroom.

Carrie: Hey, Dougie!
Doug: Somebody's in a good mood. Guess you really like jazz, huh?
Carrie: Nah, we left after ten minutes. We went bowling.
Doug: Bowling? You hate bowling.
Carrie: I don't think you can call what we did bowling. I think combined, we bowled like a twenty. And oh, by the way, I got hit on by the shoe rental guy, so treat me right, baby.
Doug: Carr, could you uh, could you come here for a sec?
Carrie: Huh?
Doug: I think we uh, I think we need to have a little talk.
Carrie: Oh, sure. What's up?
Doug: If you had to think of one thing missing from our marriage, what would that be?
Carrie: Commitment to dieting?
Doug: Fair enough, but that's really just me. I meant, from us together, like as a couple.
Carrie: Foreplay?
Doug: Again, more me. All right, I'm going to stop the bleeding here and just tell you what's on my mind.
Carrie: There you go.
Doug: I just think that if you and I don't, you know, make an effort to spend more quality time together, potentially we could veer.
Carrie: Veer?
Doug: Veer. Yeah, veer. Like we started here, OK? But lately we've kind of gone like this. What we need to do is go back to here. OK? Cause when we're here, I want to be a part of this, but I'm over here, so I can't.
Carrie: So what you're saying is you hate Jessica.
Doug: No, no, no. She's fine. She's fine. It's just that, I think maybe it's not such a good idea that you spend so much time with her.
Carrie: Excuse me! You're the one who dragged me down the block so I could have a friend.
Doug: I did want you to have a friend. I just didn't think you'd be this good at it.
Carrie: Well, yeah. Turns out that I'm lovable. Who knew?
Doug: Come on, Carr. All I'm saying is I want to spend some more time with you.
Carrie: OK, when?
Doug: Tomorrow.
Carrie: Can't do it.
Doug: Come on.
Carrie: Honey, I have to go buy a dress for my work party. You don't want to come shopping with me, do you?
Doug: Uh, very much so, yeah! Listen, if you and I don't reconnect, I feel a veer coming.
Carrie: OK, don't do the hand thing again.

Carrie and Doug are shopping for a dress.

Carrie: OK, what do you think of this one? The bows are kind of stupid, right?
Doug: Well, I wouldn't call them stupid, no. Whimsical, yes. Unexpected, yes.
Carrie: Are you sure you want to be here?
Doug: Yes!
Carrie: Because you could go down to the food court, you know, and get a Cinnabon.
Doug: No, no, no, no. I mean, later, yes. But together, as a couple. Right now, I'm here to help you pick out a dress.
Carrie: OK, I'm going to go try a few of these on.
Doug: Hey, wow me.
Carrie: OK. Well?
Doug: Mm-hmm. It's nice. Nice too. Also nice. Oh yes! Yup, there it is.
Carrie: Really? You like this, really?
Doug: I, I love it. Orange and blue. Mets colors.
Carrie: I'll try another one.
Jessica: Carrie. Doug.
Carrie: Jessica?!
Jessica: Hi!
Carrie: Hi! This is so funny! Isn't this funny? This is so funny!
Jessica: I know. What are you doing here?
Carrie: Oh, we're just looking for dresses for my office party. These, these dresses over here. This, this, this, and this.
Jessica: Well, for what it's worth, I really love that flower one.
Carrie: This one? Yeah?
Jessica: Yeah, it's fabulous. Wrap it up.
Doug: Mmm, not sure we agree with you there, Jessica.
Jessica: Yeah, well. Whatever. OK, well they don't have what I need. Got to go. See you.
Carrie: Uh, well. I'm all set, honey. Next stop, Cinnabon.
Doug: Hm. You called her, huh?
Carrie: Called who, honey?
Doug: You called Jessica from the dressing room. You know, this was supposed to be our day, but you just had to bring her into it, huh?
Carrie: Yeah, that's what I did, Doug. I called her from the dressing room. Right.
Doug: OK, fine. Then I'll just press redial on your phone and we'll see what happens.
Carrie: Stop it.
Doug: And we'll see who called who, huh?
Carrie: Give it to me! Stop it.
Doug: Whoa!
Carrie: Give it to me!
Doug: Redial!
Carrie: You're being stupid!
Doug: OK, it says I have to roam.
Carrie: OK, don't roam! I called her, all right?
Doug: OK, fine, you know what? Then call her back, you know, and you guys have a great day together. Go shopping for dresses. Go to jazz clubs. Date shoe rental guys. Whatever. I don't care, you know? And if you need me, I'm sorry. I'm taking a bus home. After a brief stop at Cinnabon.

Doug is napping. Carrie comes home.

Carrie: Oh my God. What have I done?
Doug: Still working on that.
Carrie: Sorry. So, how many did you have here?
Doug: Four. I would have had five, but I dropped one in front of Foot Locker. So be honest with me.
Carrie: OK. What?
Doug: You like Jessica better than me, don't you?
Carrie: Oi.
Doug: Well, you do. You light up when she calls. When she stops by, you, you run over to her like a puppy. You laugh at her stories, which aren't half as funny as my scanner story. You know, I told it at Cooper's, and by the way, I got a very nice response.
Carrie: Doug, I don't like her better than you. That's ridiculous.
Doug: Prove it. Kill her.
Carrie: Look, I, I haven't had a friend in a while, I admit, I went a little nuts, but you shouldn't be threatened by my friends. I'm not threatened by your friends.
Doug: No, what about if I get to keep my friends, and you don't get any ever? All right, I threw it out there. I love you.
Carrie: I love you too.
Doug: So, which uh, which dress did you pick? Did you pick mine or Jessica's?
Carrie: Neither. I got this one.
Doug: Oh, very nice! Celtics.

Doug and Carrie are sleeping. Arthur comes into their bedroom.