Monica: Hey, what's up?
Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.
Monica: Oh, OK, no problem.
Phoebe: OK.
Monica: OK. Here you go.
Phoebe: OK.

Monica shuts the door abruptly.

Phoebe: OK, um..

Phoebe knocks again.

Monica: What?
Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or something?
Monica: Phoebe, you kind of caught me at a bad time.
Phoebe: Oh, are you and Chandler-
Monica: Yes, exactly.
Phoebe: OK. Do you guys want me to play for you?
Monica: No.

Chandler comes up the stairs.

Chandler: Hey Phoebes, what's up?
Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question, Chandler Bing.

Chandler opens the apartment door and Phoebe follows.

Phoebe: Huh! Oh my God, you're getting a massage?! You never let me massage you!!
Monica: Phoebe, I can explain!
Phoebe: You told me you hate massages!
Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning.. don't let Phoebe in.
Phoebe: I can't believe this! How long has this been going on?
Monica: Well, Alexandra has-
Phoebe: Oh, it has a name.
Monica: Phoebe, don't get upset.
Phoebe: OK. Oh! Too late! I'm leaving! Come on, Chandler, let's go!
Chandler: Well, gee, I thought I'd- -Yeah, what the hell.

Phoebe and Chandler leave.

OPENING CREDITS

Joey is dreaming...

Joey: Oh OK. Come on, one more push, come on. Come on honey, almost there.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, I'm so happy things worked out for us and we're having this baby together. I love you so much.
Joey: Oh, I love you too.
Rachel: And I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say this, but you're the best sex I've ever had.
Joey: It's always appropriate. Oh OK. Come on, one more push, one more push.
Nurse: Here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!

Joey opens up the blanket and the baby is Ross.

Ross: I hope you're a better father than you are a friend!!

Joey wakes up. Rachel is knocking on the door

Rachel: Joey, Joey, come feel this, come feel my belly.
Joey: What? What's going on? Uh...
Rachel: Joey, the baby is kicking for the first time, will you please come and feel this?!
Joey: Really?
Rachel: Yes.
Joey: Uh, you know what, maybe you, maybe you should come to me. I'm not wearing any bottoms. What, oh my God!
Rachel: Oh, it's unbelievable. Wow, she is kicking so much! Oh, she's like, um, oh, who's that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
Joey: Mia Hamm?
Rachel: Mia Hamm!
Joey: Oh, it's amazing.
Rachel: Whoa, one hand on the sheet, Joe.
Joey: Oh, sorry.

Chandler comes home.

Chandler: Hey babe.
Monica: Hey honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing. They don't like us, do they?
Chandler: Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back.
Monica: No, it doesn't say where it came from. Where would we return it?
Chandler: How about to the street? Say from the balcony?
Monica: Why don't we just find a place for it?
Chandler: How about in that cabinet?
Monica: No. That's where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom?
Monica: Oh, oK, here, why don't you let me do it?
Chandler: No, no, I will do it! Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once in a while. It's locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
Monica: No reason, I keep private things in there.
Chandler: You know, I've been living here for a while, and I've never seen what's inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
Monica: Feminine stuff.
Chandler: Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me, you'll just, you'll let it go.
Chandler: Fine.
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: Love you.

Phoebe walks in.

Phoebe: Hello Chandler! Lovely day, huh? You.
Chandler: Phoebe, if it helps, Alexandra's only been massaging Monica for like three years. If, I said, if it helps!

Chandler leaves the kitchen.

Phoebe: Why won't you let me massage you?
Monica: Well it's, I mean I'd be self conscious! You're my friend, I'd be naked!
Phoebe: Monica, we lived together for years! I've seen you naked!
Monica: That's different, we were roommates! And when?
Phoebe: I'm curious about the human body.
Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me!
Phoebe: But I'm a professional, and I'm really good! Look, if you're uncomfortable, we can stop. Just give me a chance, OK, please?
Monica: OK, if it means that much to you.
Phoebe: It does. How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking? Or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
Monica: Dinosaurs.
Phoebe: Potato, potaato.

Rachel, Joey, and Ross are down at Central Perk.

Ross: When was it kicking? What happened?
Rachel: Last night. I just felt it, and I went into Joey's room and he was sleeping.
Joey: A dreamless sleep.
Ross: Oh my God! The baby's kicking. That's great! Although, I kind of wish I would have been there to feel the kicking for the first time, you know.
Joey: Well, I got some stuff going on in here if you want to feel.
Ross: Look, I don't want to miss any more baby stuff, so here's my new pager number, OK, anytime anything pregnancy related happens, use it, I'll be there, OK? I don't care if it's three in the morning and all you want is some ice cream.
Joey: Oh, can I get a copy of that?

Phoebe is getting ready to give Monica a massage.

Phoebe: Are you under the sheet?
Monica: Yes!
Phoebe: Great, let's begin. How's the pressure?
Monica: Nice. Wow, Phoebe, you are good!
Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And it's not weird, is it?
Monica: No! Oh!
Phoebe: That's right, you just enjoy.
Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh yeah!
Phoebe: OK.
Monica: Oh God! Phoebe! Oh! That's it! That's it, right there! Oh! Oooh! Ooooh!

Chandler is trying to open Monica's closet when Joey walks in the door.

Chandler: I wasn't trying to open your closet! I wasn't trying to open your closet, I swear!
Joey: Wow, Monica runs a pretty tight ship around here, doesn't she? What are you doing?
Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won't let me see what's in it.
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: I don't know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can't see?
Joey: I don't know. Oooh, I bet it's Richard.
Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Joey: Oh, off the top of my head, maybe she's having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake, Richard being the too. Or!
Chandler: And here we go.
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and nobody knew what was behind it and when they finally got it open, millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out, and they feasted on human flesh! You know, it wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy!

Joey goes back to his apartment.

Joey: Stupid closet full of bugs!
Rachel: Joey? Joey, something feels weird, and not good weird. I don't know, whoa!
Joey: Whoa, whoa, do not worry, OK? When my sisters were pregnant, they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Absolutely. But, we're going to stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? I'll page Ross on the way, OK?
Rachel: OK, oh God, OW!
Joey: OK, OK, Rach, look at me, look at me, everything is going to be fine. Trust me, OK? Come on, take my hand, here we go. Ow! Crushing bones! OK, good thing we're going to a hospital.

Joey and Rachel arrive at the hospital.

Joey: Hey! So?
Doctor: She's fine. She was experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Joey: And, and there's no danger to her or the baby?
Doctor: No, no, she's fine.
Rachel: Thank you, Doctor. Oh, thank you for being so nice and calm.
Joey: Calm? I wasn't calm! I've never been more scared in my entire life!
Rachel: But wait, you said everything was going to be okay!
Joey: What do I know? I'm not a doctor!
Rachel: But everything is OK, I'm fine.
Joey: You sure?
Rachel: Yes. Yes. I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus though, mild discomfort. What is he talking about?

Ross comes in looking panicked.

Joey: Oh hey, hey.
Ross: Is everything OK?
Rachel: Yeah, everything is fine.
Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what was it, what happened?
Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions.
Ross: Oh, whew. That's no big deal. Most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: OK, no uterus, no opinion.
Joey: Hey, what's with the candy?
Ross: Oh, when you beeped me, I was in line at the concession stand at the movie theater.
Rachel: Oh, you went to the movies by yourself?
Ross: No.. Mona!
Rachel: Oh, I got to go back in there!
Ross: Why? What's wrong?!
Rachel: No, everything is fine, I just got to back in there.
Ross: No, really! Tell me, what's up?
Rachel: I forgot my underwear.
Ross: Thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
Joey: Oh, hey don't worry about it man, don't worry about it, no big deal.
Ross: Yeah, but still, I mean, it should have been me, I'm the dad!
Doctor: If you have any questions, here's some information on Braxton-Hicks.
Joey: Thanks.
Doctor: Oh, and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You're going to make a wonderful father.
Joey: Oh, uh, hey, not as good as this guy! He brought Twizzlers!

Joey and Chandler are trying to open the closet.

Chandler: There's got to be a way!
Joey: Easy there, Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Yeah. Oh no wait, I'm not a nine year old girl.
Joey: Then why do you throw like one?
Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
Joey: Oh sure, Monica.
Chandler: So, how's the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
Joey: Really good, really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. Well, you sure found that quick. I just wish I didn't feel this way about Rachel anymore, you know? I wish things would go back to normal. I mean I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby, is just amazing, but now I think, I think Ross feels left out. You know? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. You should have seen the look on Ross' face. By the way, I have no idea what I'm doing here, for all I know, I'm just locking it more. Oh did you try opening it with a credit card?
Chandler: That's a good idea. OK. So, Ross is kind of bummed, huh?
Joey: I feel terrible.
Chandler: It's not your fault. What are you going to do, not take her to the hospital? You know? You're doing nothing wrong. Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman who's carrying his baby. Richard? If you're in there, could you pass me my credit card?

Monica walks into Central Perk where Phoebe is hanging out.

Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: I got to tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good!
Phoebe: No, no, I got that.
Monica: So what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
Phoebe: OK! You should know though I've raised my rates to $200 an hour.
Monica: Oh, okay.
Phoebe: I mean, $500.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: $600.
Monica: What's going on?
Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged.
Monica: Wha-
Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out, and after a while, I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on!
Monica: What? You're crazy! There's nothing sexual about the noises I make!
Phoebe: Really? There's nothing sexual about this? Oh, oh God! Oh! What are you looking at? I mean, hi!
Monica: Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing, I'm never going to get massaged again!
Phoebe: No! You can't let this stop you from getting massages! No, I have lots of clients who make the same noises you do!
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: Well, not clients, lovers. Let's just, you know, try it again, come back, and we'll work through it.
Monica: You sure?
Phoebe: Yes.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Great! Now if you'll just, just excuse me. So, did you hear something you liked?

Ross comes into Joey and Rachel's apartment.

Rachel: Hey Ross, check it out. I learned a new trick! Huh?
Ross: Hey, I brought you some lunch.
Rachel: Oh, that's so sweet of you! Oh, yummy, mm, mm. Did you put pickles on this?
Ross: Well, yeah.
Rachel: Oh Ross!!

Rachel runs into the bathroom.

Ross: What? What? Rach? What?
Joey: What's going on?
Ross: I made her favorite, tuna sandwich with pickles.
Joey: Pickle! Pickle makes her sick. Giving her pickle is like giving me salad.
Ross: I'm sorry Rach. I didn't know, are you going to be okay?
Rachel: Yeah I'll be fine. But can someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
Joey: I'm on it!
Ross: I can't believe this! I shouldn't be the one making her throw up!
Joey: Dude, relax. Ross, it could happen to anyone.
Ross: Yeah, not to you. Because you know this stuff. I don't know any of it, and I'm the father! I wish I could be more involved, you know?

Rachel returns to the living room.

Rachel: Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
Joey: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: What's up?
Joey: Uh, sit down. I want to talk about our situation.
Rachel: Huh! Are you breaking up with us?
Joey: The thing is, because I live with Rachel, I'm here for a lot of the stuff, OK, and Ross, Ross is missing everything, so, maybe you two should live together.
Rachel: Are you asking me to move out, do you not want me here?
Joey: No, no, no. I love living with you, it's just seems that if you're going to have a roommate, you know, it might as well be the father.
Rachel: But Joey, I don't think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I me- or he does.
Ross: I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we can just try it, like on a temporary basis.
Rachel: But Ross, it's you and me!
Ross: So? Sure, but it wouldn't be anything romantic, I mean, I'm dating Mona. Damn it, Mona!! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago. What is wrong with me?
Joey: All right, so, what do you think?
Rachel: I don't know, it's just crazy!
Ross: No! No, it's not! Joey, this is a smart idea.
Joey: Well, it was too.
Rachel: OK, let's do it. I'll move in.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Oh, Rach, that's great. That's great.

Chandler is messing with the closet door.

Chandler: Not too shabby! I got this all off myself... using my wife's tools. Oh my God!
Monica: Huh! How did you get in there?
Chandler: You're messy.
Monica: No! You weren't supposed to see this!
Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
Monica: No, Chandler, you don't understand. OK, OK, fine, now you know, OK! I'm sick.
Chandler: No, no, honey, you're not sick. Look, I don't love you because you're organized. I love you in spite of that.
Monica: Really? You promise you won't tell anyone?
Chandler: Yes. And look, now that I know, if I've got some extra stuff lying around, can we maybe share the closet?
Monica: Well, it's just, um, I'm afraid you might mess it up.

Chandler visits Joey.

Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: So, Rachel's all moved out, huh? How you taking it?
Joey: Well, uh, I want to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldn't stand the smell of them. I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And it's a couple weeks past its expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick.
Chandler: Are you OK?
Joey: Are you kidding me? Yeah, I'm great! Yeah, uh, I'm better than great, I am good. And now that she's gone, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn't do before. You know, like um, I can walk around naked again. You know, I can, uh, I can watch porn in the living room! Right? This is uh, this is good for me. You know, I like being on my own. I'm uh, better off this way. I'm a lone wolf. You know? Loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. What's a wolf got to do to get a hug around here?

Monica is getting a massage from Phoebe.