Phoebe: Oh, hey Rach.
Rachel: Hi! Happy Valentine's Day.
Phoebe: Oh, you too.
Joey: Hey, so how's it going living over at Ross's?
Rachel: It's good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? Oh, thank you. I'll see you back there.
Phoebe: OK.
Joey: Bye.
Rachel: Bye.
Joey: That is one lucky to go cup of coffee.
Phoebe: Oh, honey. I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top?
Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.
Phoebe: Oh Gunther? Could I get a scone?
Gunther: Do you want anything?
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things. I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day. And I want her to love me back. And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that's never going to happen.
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey: Ooh, OK.

OPENING CREDITS

Phoebe and Ross are hanging out at Monica and Chandler's apartment.

Phoebe: So how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: Oh, I'm actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she's been away all week visiting her parents, but she'll be cool. I mean, she's been so supportive. She even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says 'Fossils are my friends.'
Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.
Ross: So, uh, I'm going to take off.
Phoebe: Oh shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape.
Ross: What is it?
Phoebe: It's a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
Ross: All right. Candy and Cookie?
Phoebe: Yeah. Candy's the mother, Cookie's the daughter. Father's name is also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Monica: Phoebe, come here. I want to show you something in the bathroom.
Phoebe: Ugh. Monica, grow up.
Ross: Hey, what do you got behind your back?
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
Ross: You don't want my opinion?
Monica: Not really.
Ross: Come on. I'm your older brother. Ask me.
Monica: Oh, OK, big brother. Um, which one of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter so your best friend would want to do her?
Ross: The red one.

Phoebe goes over to visit Joey.

Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Look, I know you've been really depressed lately, so I've brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real live furry playmate.
Joey: Oh, no. I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
Phoebe: Kiki.
Joey: Hey a dog! Who you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane.
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. So you can keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up.
Joey: Thanks so much Phoebes. We are going to have so much fun. Yes we are. Oh, not that kind of fun.

Chandler comes home with flowers.

Chandler: Happy Valentine's!
Monica: Hey! I'll be right out, I'm slipping into something a little less comfortable and a little more slutty.
Chandler: Candy and Cookie? Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl on girl porn?! She really must love me! I love you St. Valentine. Whoa, whoa, that's not pretty. Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever!
Videotape: Make it stop!
Chandler: I am trying!

Rachel comes to Joey's apartment.

Rachel: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. Huh! Who is this?
Joey: Oh, that's uh, that's Phoebe's friend's dog. Yeah. I don't know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.
Rachel: Oh. You are so cute. I wish I could play with you more, but I've got to go to work. I've got to stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. Bye bye Joey. Oh seriously, can't stop it.
Joey: Come here, hey. That's Rachel. She's the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you. We love her. We can't have her. No. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand right? You're a guy. Well, you used to be.

Monica comes out in her Valentine lingerie.

Monica: So what do you think? I still got it.
Chandler: Why did you get me this?
Monica: What is it?
Chandler: It's yelling, bleeding, dilating, oh, the dilating.
Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe's. Why were you even watching it?
Chandler: I thought, maybe you got me porn for Valentine's Day.
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine's Day, you were right. Apparently, it's about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys. And it got four stars. Oh, wait a minute, those aren't stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Well, I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.
Monica: Oh. What's going on?
Chandler: Well, remember the first time you saw Jaws? How long it took to go back in the water?
Monica: Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
Chandler: You don't know. You didn't see it.
Monica: Childbirth, it's a natural thing, it's beautiful.
Chandler: Oh really? You think this is beautiful?!
Monica: Oh my God! No wonder my mother hates me!
Chandler: See, honey, there's-
Monica: Don't touch me!

Mona comes to Central Perk to hang out with Ross.

Mona: Hi!
Ross: Hey!
Mona: Hi!
Ross: So, how was Atlantic City?
Mona: Good.
Ross: Yeah?
Mona: I brought you back a present.
Ross: What? Uh. Oh come on, you didn't have to. Saltwater taffy!? Thanks.
Mona: So, how was your week?
Ross: Oh, it was good. Actually, the baby started kicking.
Mona: How exciting!
Ross: Yeah I know. It was amazing! The only sad thing is, I wasn't around when it happened for the first time.
Mona: Oh no.
Ross: Yeah I know. I was missing out on all this other stuff too, so Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.
Mona: Yeah, right.
Ross: What?
Mona: Joey cracks me up. It's like, yeah, why don't you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn't be awkward at all.
Ross: Huh. Uh-huh.
Mona: Hey, could you imagine? I go away for a few days. I come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant. So what did you tell him?

Ross is talking with Phoebe about his crazy situation.

Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?
Ross: I don't know. She seemed to think it was such a crazy idea. You know, plus she uh, she got me taffy.
Phoebe: Taffy? Really? I've never had any.
Ross: Ever?
Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. Thank you! So what, are you just never going to tell her?
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will. I just want to butter her up first, you know. I'm going to take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner, do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: If I haven't said it before, she's a lucky, lucky lady. So where are you going to- what the mother of crap is up with this stuff?! Oh God, is it gum, is it food, what, what's the deal? Oh it's nice. May I try a pink one?

Joey is hanging out with the dog.

Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn't going to happen. It'd be like, you falling in love with a cat.
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How's my favorite dog, huh? How's my favorite dog? You're subdued. Did you give him a beer?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Will you excuse us? We need to talk for a moment.
Joey: Yeah, sure. Oh, me, right.
Phoebe: He's miserable! What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing. Just talked about stuff.
Phoebe: What stuff?
Joey: Rachel stuff.
Phoebe: Oh, Joey. You bummed him out! He's the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half the day with you, and look at him!
Joey: He's breathing.
Phoebe: OK, I'm going to take him back to Wendy.
Joey: No, no, no, he's fine. Hey, look, look, look. Here's your ball. Get your ball. Get your ball. Get your ball. Ge- Oh my God, what have I done to you? Huh? I broke the dog. Phoebes, I broke the dog!

Ross is getting ready to go to his Valentine's dinner with Mona.

Ross: Well, I'm uh, going to pick up Mona. What do you got going on tonight?
Rachel: Oh, I got big Valentine's plans. I got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy. Ooh, my Chinese food. I'll get my cash.
Ross: Mona? What are you- Hi! What are you doing here? I'm supposed to pick you up.
Mona: Change of plans. I made you a special Valentine's dinner. Surprise!
Ross: Yaaayy!
Rachel: Oh, hey Mona!
Mona: Hi, hi. Hi Rachel. What's she doing here?
Ross: I have no idea.
Rachel: Um, I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me.
Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
Ross: Uh, you know, lately, she just likes hanging out here.
Mona: Why?
Ross: I think she's lonely.
Mona: OK, but it's Valentine's Day.
Ross: I know.
Mona: Can't we just ask her to go?
Ross: Oh, wh- no, no, she's way too emotional. And by emotional, I mean, crazy.
Rachel: I'm not here. That's just my Chinese food.
Mona: Oh my God, she has food delivered here?
Ross: Mm-hmm. Yes. She's emotional, but, but ballsy.
Rachel: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed.
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way. So, OK, why don't you open the champagne and I will be right back. I've got a surprise for you.
Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
Ross: Please start drinking.
Rachel: I'm just going to grab the phone.
Mona: Oh, Rachel. Wait, hey. Um, I, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but, but, um, what are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need the phone?
Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and we, we got to have some boundaries. So why don't you just go back to your place and give us some privacy?
Rachel: But Mona, I live here.
Ross: Happy Valentine's Day! Or something to remember me by.

Monica and Chandler are still extremely traumatized by the birthing video.

Monica: How long has it been this time?
Chandler: 90 seconds.
Monica: That's better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about it. Except all I did was think about it.
Chandler: I know. It haunts me. Up until now, the worst thing I ever saw was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screen saver.
Monica: OK, but we have to get past this. Why don't we just get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
Chandler: I could do that.
Monica: OK.
Chandler: OK, now all we got to do is get rid of this chair.
Monica: Oh, thank God! Come in.
Rachel: Hi. I'm so sorry to barge in on your Valentine, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
Monica: Oh my God.
Chandler: Poor Ross. Oh great. We have to watch him do Yoga in his underwear, but for this, he closes the drapes.
Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see?
Rachel: Mm-hmm.
Monica: It's here.
Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you. Before you watch it, don't watch it.
Rachel: Why, you saw it? Is it scary?
Chandler: Well, let's just say that it's ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.
Rachel: Wha- wha- what now wait. Now I'm all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me?
Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you.
Rachel: Come on, seriously, you guys, you're not going to make me watch this alone.
Monica: She's right. She- of course not. Honey, get the tape.
Chandler: This reminds of a very specific part of the tape. OK, here we go.
Rachel: Oh my. Wow, why is that baby torturing that woman?!
Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?!
Monica: It's still beautiful.
Rachel: Ah! It's horrible!
Monica: I know! I know! I'm so sorry for you!
Rachel: Oh my God!
Chandler: You guys, you guys, look!
Rachel: What? What? Did her ass explode?
Chandler: No. The baby's out, look. Look.
Monica: Aw, look at those little fingers and toes.
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now.
Monica: Aw, Rach.
Rachel: Oh, screw you guys. You don't have to do it.

Joey runs into Ross at Central Perk.

Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey. Wh-
Joey: What's up?
Ross: Ah. Mona just dumped me.
Joey: Aw, man. I'm sorry. Why?
Ross: Well, with everything that's been going on lately, I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know? I mean, I didn't tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I uh, I gave her a key to my apartment, and then I had the locks changed. And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner.
Joey: Still, that really sucks man. Especially on Valentine's Day.
Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. Whe- What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date? On Valentine's Day? What's going on, huh? Girl trouble?
Joey: Sort of, yeah.
Ross: Really?!
Joey: You don't have to seem so happy about it.
Ross: Oh, sorry. Well, uh, look, maybe I can help.
Joey: Oh, I doubt.
Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. You know, actually, once, once I got dumped during sex. So anyway, uh, what is it?
Joey: Forget about it. It's no big deal.
Ross: Hey, come on, Joey, what is it?
Joey: Nothing.
Ross: Hey, hey, it's me. Why can't you tell me?
Joey: OK. Uh, sit down. Um, there's this woman that I like. A lot, but, uh, it can't happen.
Ross: She's not a Tribbiani.
Joey: NO!
Ross: So, uh, so is she someone from work?
Joey: Yes.
Ross: Well, um, does she like you?
Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn't matter because I can't do anything about it.
Ross: Why not?
Joey: It's complicated. Um, she was with this other guy for a long time. Someone from work too, and uh, I could never do that to the guy. You know? Cause we're really good friends.
Ross: OK, so uh, this, this guy she used to go out with. Is he still in love with her?
Joey: No. I don't think so.
Ross: OK. Um, is he a good guy?
Joey: Yeah, he's the best.
Ross: Then talk to him. He might be fine with it.
Joey: Oh, oh, I don't know. I-
Ross: Hey, Joey, come on. It's worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
Joey: I do. So much. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't sleep, I c-
Ross: OK, Joey. You know what? You, you have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself.
Gunther: Here's your warm milk.
Ross: I'm, I'm going to uh, put the bourbon in it at home. Anyway, seriously, just, just talk to the guy. OK? And let me know how it goes.
Joey: It's Rachel.

Rachel is preparing to watch the entire birthing video by herself.