Shelly: Hey, gorgeous! How's it going?
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights. Does it get better than this?
Shelly: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you? Because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
Chandler: Oh, you see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said co-dependent or self-destructive.
Shelly: Do you want a date Saturday?
Chandler: Yes, please.
Shelly: OK. He is cute, he's funny.
Chandler: He's a he?
Shelly: Well, yeah. Oh, God. I just, good, Shelly. OK. I'm just going to go flush myself down the toilet now. OK. Bye bye.

OPENING CREDITS

Chandler is eating dinner at Monica and Rachel's with everyone.

Chandler: It's hard to enjoy a cup of ramen noodles after that. I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous. Can you believe she actually thought that?
Rachel: Um, yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, you know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be.
Chandler: You did?
Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
Chandler: Huh. Did uh, did any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe: I think so.
Joey: Not me.
Ross: No, no. Me neither. Although, uh, you know, back in college, Susan Salador did.
Chandler: You're kidding. Did you tell her I wasn't?
Ross: No. Well, it's just I kind of wanted to go out with her too, so I told her you were seeing Bernie Spellman, who also liked her, so.
Chandler: Wow, this is fascinating. So uh, what is it about me?
Phoebe: I don't know. You're smart, and funny.
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny. Did you ever think that about him?
Phoebe: Yeah, right.
Chandler: What is it?!!
Monica: OK. I don't know. You just, you have a quality.
Rachel & Phoebe: Yes!
Chandler: Oh, oh, good. A quality. Because I was worried you guys were going to be vague about this.
Joey: No, Chandler. I think this is going to work for you.
Chandler: Excuse me?
Joey: Sure, sure. Women find it less threatening, they let their guards down, and then boom! You're like a stealth heterosexual.

The phone rings.

Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh, Rachel. It's Paolo, calling from Rome.
Rachel: Oh my God. He's calling from Rome! Bonjourno, Paolomio.
Ross: So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just got to go to Rome.
Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? I'm talking to Rome. I'm talking to Rome.
Monica: Hey, Dad. What's up? Oh, God. Ross. Nana.

Ross and Monica meet their parents at the hospital.

Monica: Hey.
Ross: Hey Dad. So uh, how's she doing?
Aunt Lillian: The doctor said it's a matter of hours.
Monica: How, how are you, Mom?
Judy: Me? I'm fine. Fine. I'm glad you're here. What's with your hair?
Monica: What?
Judy: What's different?
Monica: Nothing.
Judy: Oh, maybe that's it.

Monica goes over to Ross.

Ross: Mon?
Monica: She is unbelievable. Our mother-
Ross: Relax, relax, OK? We are going to be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.
Monica: Oh, God!

Monica and Ross are sitting with their parents.

Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
Ross: Oh, yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I love? Her Sweet n' Lows. How she was always stealing them from, from restaurants.
Jack: Not just restaurants. From our house.
Nurse: Mrs. Geller?

Ross and Monica are in Nana's room.

Ross: She looks so small.
Monica: I know.
Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-pop and Aunt Phyllis now.
Monica: Aunt Phyllis is dead?
Ross: Yeah, for like six years!
Monica: Where was I?
Ross: Where were you? Can we focus, please?
Monica: Bye Nana.
Ross: Bye Nana. Whoa!!
Monica: AAAH! Ross!

Ross and Monica run out of Nana's room.

Judy: What is going on?
Ross: You know how the nurse said that Nana had passed? Well, she's not quite.
Judy: What?
Ross: She's not passed! She's present! She's back!
Aunt Lillian: What's going on?
Jack: She may have died.
Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
Jack: We're looking into it.
Ross: All right, um, I'll go see.

Ross and Monica follow the nurse into Nana's room.

Nurse: This almost never happens.
Ross: Now she's passed.

Chandler is hanging out with Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey at Central Perk.

Chandler: I just have to know. OK? Is it my hair?
Rachel: Yes, Chandler. That's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Yeah. You have homosexual hair.

Monica and Ross come in.

Rachel: Hey.
Monica: Hi.
Rachel: So um, did she?
Ross: Twice.
Joey: Twice.
Phoebe: Oh, that sucks.
Joey: You guys OK?
Ross: I don't know. It's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel uh.
Phoebe: Maybe that's cause she's not really gone.
Ross: No, no. She's gone.
Monica: We checked. A lot.
Phoebe: No, I mean. Maybe no one ever really goes. You know? Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get this feeling that she's like right here, you know? Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high? Got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course, and I always get this really strong Debbie vibe, whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, you know? I miss her.
Rachel: Oh. Here, Phoebes. Want this?
Phoebe: Thanks.
Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened it this morning.
Joey: You see, I don't believe any of that. I think when you're dead, you're dead. You're gone, you're worm food. So Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe: You know, I don't know who this is, but it's not Debbie.

Monica is discussing funeral arrangements with her father.

Monica: Dad, let's just make a decision.
Jack: You're right. This is crazy. It's going way into the ground. We should just get the most basic thing.
Monica: All right. That would be the non-protected, corrugated, fiber board with white laminate. Dad, we can't bury Nana in a dresser from Ikea.
Jack: See, this is why your mother buys all my clothes. I hate to shop. I hate it.
Monica: Dad, don't you think this might be more about the fact that once you make the decision, it's like acknowledging that Nana's actually gone?
Jack: No, I really hate to shop.

Ross is with his mother in Nana's bedroom.

Ross: I thought it was going to be closed casket.
Judy: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice. Sweetie, do you think you can get in there?
Ross: I don't see why not. AAH! Here's my retainer!

Monica is hanging out with her father at her apartment.

Jack: I was just thinking, when my time comes.
Monica: Dad!
Jack: Listen to me. When my time comes, I want to be buried at sea.
Monica: You what?
Jack: I want to be buried at sea! It looks like fun.
Monica: Define fun.
Jack: Come on! You'll make a day of it. You'll get a boat, pack a lunch.
Monica: And then we throw your body in the water. Gee, that does sound fun.
Jack: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone thinks Jack Geller is so predictable. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say, buried at sea. Huh.
Monica: That's probably what they'll say.
Jack: I'd like that.

Chandler is at work, and he runs into his co-worker, Shelly.

Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.
Shelly: Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I-
Chandler: No, no. Don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently, other people have made the same mistake, so.
Shelly: Oh, OK. Phew!
Chandler: So uh, what do you think it is about me?
Shelly: I don't know. You just have, a, a-
Chandler: Quality, right, right.
Shelly: You know, it's a shame because you and Lowell would have made a great couple.
Chandler: Lowell? Financial services Lowell, that's who you saw me with?
Shelly: What? He's cute.
Chandler: Well, yeah. He's no Brian in payroll.
Shelly: Is Brian?
Chandler: No. I don't know. Point is, that if you were to set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with somebody like him.
Shelly: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.
Chandler: Excuse me. You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian! Believe you me. I'm really not.

Ross is in Nana's closet.

Ross: This one?
Aunt Lillian: No.
Ross: I have shown you every dress we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant suit, go with the burgundy.
Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would have told us it's the wrong one.
Judy: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
Ross: Oh. A fine choice. I'm coming out.
Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!
Ross: OK! Um, how about these?
Judy: Um, that's really a day shoe.
Ross: And where she's going, everyone else will be dressier.
Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
Ross: OK. I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I could show you something in a silver that may work.
Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.
Judy: Unless we go with a different dress.
Aunt Lillian: Yes.
Ross: No, no, no. Wait. I may have something in the back. Oh my God.
Judy: Is everything all right, dear?
Ross: Yeah. Just, just Nana's stuff.

Ross comes into Monica and Rachel's apartment.

Ross: How are we doing? You guys ready?
Monica: So Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears were not my best feature?
Ross: Someday that's all I can think about.

Phoebe comes in.

Phoebe: Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my bearings.
Rachel: Oh, you mean your earrings?
Phoebe: What did I say?
Rachel: Ahem.
Monica: Are these the shoes?
Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
Ross: What? We uh, we don't have shoes here?

Joey and Chandler come in.

Joey: Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up. It's stuff like that, isn't it?

Everyone is at the graveyard.

Monica: It was a really beautiful service.
Judy: It really was. Come here, sweetheart. You know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.
Joey: What?
Chandler: Nothing. Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Musberger.
Joey: Check it out. Giants, Cowboys.
Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?
Joey: No, it's a pre-game. I'm going to watch it at the reception.
Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes.
Ross: Ugh. I hope they're not ruined.
Phoebe: God, what a great day. What? Weather wise.
Ross: The air, the trees, even though Nana's gone, there's something a little, uh, I don't know, almost like, UH!

Ross falls into a grave.

Everyone: Ross!!
Monica: Are you OK?
Ross: I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just, just having my worst fear realized.

Everyone is at the reception. Ross is laying on the floor, and Phoebe is watching over him.

Phoebe: OK, don't worry. I'm just checking to see if the muscles in spasm. Huh.
Ross: What? What is it?
Phoebe: It's a belt loop.
Ross: Oh, no, no, no.
Phoebe: OK, it's in spasm.
Judy: Here sweetie. I took these when I had my golfing accident.
Ross: Thanks.

Chandler is talking to a woman.

Chandler: Oh.
Andrea: Sorry. Hi, I'm Andrea. I'm Dorothy's daughter.
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler. I have no idea who Dorothy is.

Ross comes out of a hallway.

Phoebe: Hey! Look who's up.
Ross: Hey.
Phoebe: How do you feel?
Ross: I feel great. I feel great. I feel great.
Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Ross: Yeah, not the first two, but the second two. Whoo. I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister. I love Phoebes.
Phoebe: Oh! All right.
Ross: Chandler!
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: I love you, man. And listen, man, if you want to be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.
Andrea: You were right.

Ross wanders over to Rachel.

Ross: Rachel. Rachel. I do love you.
Rachel: Oh Ross. I love you too.
Ross: Oh no. I really love you.
Rachel: I really love you.
Ross: OOOOOH!! You don't get it.

Joey is in the corner not paying attention to anything going on at the reception.

Joey: Oh!
Jack: What do you got there?
Joey: Uh, just a, uh, hearing disability.
Jack: What's the score?
Joey: Seventeen fourteen Giants. Three minutes to go.
Jack: Beautiful.

Ross is slumped over on Rachel's lap.

Rachel: Phoebes, could you maybe hand me a cracker?

Monica is talking to her mother.

Judy: Your grandma would have hated this.
Monica: Well, sure. What with it being her funeral and all.
Judy: Oh, no. I'd be hearing about why didn't I get the honey glazed ham? I didn't spend enough on flowers. If I'd spent more, of course she'd be saying, why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead.
Monica: That sounds like Nana.
Judy: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?
Monica: I can imagine.
Judy: How so? It's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive life affirming person she is.
Monica: That is a wonder. Tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean if she was here right now, would you tell her?
Judy: Tell her what?
Monica: How she drove you crazy. Picking on every little detail, like your hair, for example.
Judy: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.
Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth?
Judy: No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along.
Monica: Huh.
Judy: More wine, dear?
Monica: Oh, I think so.
Judy: Those earrings look really lovely on you.
Monica: Thank you. They're yours.
Judy: Actually, they were Nana's.

Loud yells come from the huddle of men in the corner.

Guy: Oh my God!
Jack: Now I'm depressed! Even more than I was.

The friends are hanging out at Central Perk.

Monica: Oh, look. This is my first grade picture! Oh please ignore the Dino-Mite T-shirt.
Rachel: Oh, hey. Who's this little naked guy?
Ross: Oh, that, that naked guy would be me.
Rachel: Oh, look at the little thing.
Ross: Yes. Yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grownups now?
Chandler: Who are those people?
Ross: You got me.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana right there in the middle. Let's see. Me and the gang at Java Joe's.
Rachel: Wow, Monica. You look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica: Let's see. Nineteen.
Ross: Thirty nine.
Monica: Yeah. Uh, twenty-four, twenty-five?
Ross: Yeah. Huh. Looks like a fun gang.
Joey: Ooh, look, look, look, I got Monica naked.
Ross: No, no, that would be me again. I'm uh, just trying something.

Chandler is in the break room at work when Lowell walks in.