Chandler: No, no. We're done. We're done.

OPENING CREDITS

Monica has finished cooking twelve lasagnas and is talking on the phone.

Monica: Aunt Sue, stop yelling! All I'm saying is if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. Well, the meat's only every third layer. Maybe you could scrape.
Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup. You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I could find my way out of there like that.
Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool. It says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta.
Chandler: And we're done with the yogurt.
Phoebe: Sorry.
Monica: Aunt Sue, I did this as a favor. I'm not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? Nice talk, Aunt Sue. You kiss Uncle Freddy with that mouth?
Joey: Hey Ross. Listen. Do you know that right now, your baby is only this big? This is your baby. 'Hi Daddy.'
Ross: Hello.
Joey: How come you don't live with Mommy? How come Mommy lives with that other lady? What's a lesbian?

Rachel comes in with Paolo, and Paolo is complaining that he doesn't know how to say Poconos.

Rachel: Honey, you can say it. Poconos, Poconos. It's like Poke-A-Nose.
Paolo: Ah. Poke-A-Nose.
Chandler, Joey, & Ross: Bleh, bleh, bleh.
Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?
Rachel: Yes. My sister's giving us her place for the weekend.
Phoebe: Whoo-hoo! First weekend away together.
Monica: Yeah, it's a big step.
Rachel: I know.
Chandler: Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal.
Ross: Wasn't that supposed to be just a fling? Huh? Shouldn't it be flung by now?
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing. I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steel books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I just totally, totally.
Ross: Nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? I could call immigration.

Paolo notices something across the street.

Paolo: Oh, oh, verdate, verdate.
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: Oh! Look! Ugly Naked Guy's making shadow puppets.
Phoebe: Oh, but look, it's Abraham Lincoln!
Ross: Go! Go!

Chandler and Joey are going back to their apartment.

Joey: I love babies, with their widdle baby shoes, and their widdle baby toes.
Chandler: OK, you're going to have to stop that. Forever.

Joey throws his keys on the dining room table, and it falls over.

Joey: We need a new table.
Chandler: You think?

Ross goes to visit Carol.

Carol: Hey, hey, hey, come on in.
Ross: Hello. I brought all the books and Monica sends her love along with this lasagna.
Carol: Oh, great! Is it vegetarian cause Susan doesn't eat meat.
Ross: I'm pretty sure that it is. Oh, nineteen weeks, the breasts are starting to swell, according to the literature.
Carol: So, I got the results of the amniote today.
Ross: Oh tell me tell me, is everything, uh...
Carol: Totally and completely healthy.
Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great. Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.
Ross: Of course it's your friend Tanya.
Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?
Ross: The sex. I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together. When you throw in Tanya, bleah.
Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.
Ross: Oh. You know the sex of the baby?! Oh, oh, oh!
Carol: Do you want to know?
Ross: No, no, no. No, I don't want to know. Absolutely not. No, I think, you know, I think you shouldn't know until you look down there and see, oh there it is. Or isn't.

Susan comes in.

Susan: Oh! Hello, Ross.
Ross: Susan.
Susan: So, so, did you hear?
Ross: Yes, we did. Everything is A-OK.
Susan: Oh!
Carol: It really is.
Susan: Do we know?
Carol: We certainly do. It's going to be-
Ross: Whoa! Hey, hey, hello. See a guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here.
Susan: Oh, well is it what we thought it would be?
Carol: Mm-hmm.
Susan & Carol: Aaaaaah!!
Ross: Hey, OK. What did we think it was going to be? No, no, no! I don't want to know. Don't want to know. OK. You know, I should probably, I should probably just go.
Carol: Well, thanks for the books.
Ross: No problem. OK. Susan.

Ross leaves.

Susan: All right, who should we call first? Your folks, or Deb and Mona?

The intercom buzzes.

Carol: Hello?
Ross: Nah. Never mind, I don't want to know.

Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about a new table.

Chandler: OK, so just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?
Joey: That's the rule.
Chandler: What rule? There's no rule. If anything, you owe me a table.
Joey: How did you get there?
Chandler: Well, I believe this piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela DelVeccio.
Joey: You knew about that?
Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you left in the butter left little to the imagination.
Joey: OK, OK. How about if we split it?
Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that?
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Well, it's just that it's a pretty big commitment. I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?
Joey: Why? Are you moving out?
Chandler: I'm not moving out.
Joey: Well, you'd tell me if you were moving out, right?
Chandler: Yes, yes, it's just that with my last roommate, Kip-
Joey: Oh, I know all about Kip.
Chandler: We bought a Hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.
Joey: Well, let me ask you something. Was Kip a better roommate than me?
Chandler: Oh, don't do that.

Phoebe is at work.

Jasmine: You've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30, and Ms. Summerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu. OK?
Phoebe: Thanks.
Jasmine: Oh! Here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but yum.
Paolo: Bonjour, novella Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh. Paolo! Hi! What are you doing here?
Paolo: Eh, Raquel tell me you massage, eh?
Phoebe: Raquel is right, yeah!
Paolo: 'speaking Italian'
Phoebe: Oh, OK, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started.
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?
Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision. I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off- Ooh! Oops! Being naked!

Rachel is working and everyone is hanging out.

Rachel: I can't believe you don't want to know! I mean, I couldn't not know. I mean, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows-
Monica: And Monica knows.
Ross: Wha- How could you know? I don't even know.
Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me.
Joey: So what's it going to be?
Ross: UH! Great, now he knows, and I don't know!
Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!
Joey: Or an uncle!

Phoebe comes to Central Perk in a bad mood after getting off work.

Joey: Hey Phoebe.
Ross: Phebes.
Rachel: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: Fine!!
Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Nothing! I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
Chandler: Ah, well you can use some of my sorts. I barely use them.
Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?
Rachel: Oh, right, that's me.
Joey: Hey Chandler, that table place closes at 7:00, come on.
Chandler: Huh, fine.
Monica: Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?
Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes.
Phoebe: He made a move on me.
Joey: Whoa! Store will be open tomorrow.
Chandler: More coffee over here please.
Monica: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine, until...
Chandler & Joey: Whoa...
Ross: My God.
Monica: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. I'm sure. And all of a sudden, his hands weren't the problem anymore.
Monica: Was it?
Phoebe: Oh, Boy Scouts could have camped under there.
Monica: Wow.
Ross: So what did you do?
Phoebe: Well, I dealt with it like a professional.
Joey & Chandler: Ooooh...
Rachel: Ooh what?
Phoebe: -ma Thurman, the actress.
Ross: Oh, the actress!
Joey: Thanks, Rach!
Chandler: So what are you going to do?
Ross: You have to tell her. You have to tell her. It's your moral obligation as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue. Guys, guys?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.
Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went.
Phoebe: She is going to hate me.
Ross: Yeah, well.

Joey and Chandler are at the table store having a hard time picking out a table.

Joey: Will you pick one? Just pick one! Here, how about that one?
Chandler: That's patio furniture.
Joey: So what? Like people are going to come in and think, uh-oh, I'm outside again.
Chandler: Fine! What about the birds?
Joey: I don't know. Birds just don't say, hello, sit here, eat something.
Chandler: You pick one.
Joey: All right. How about the ladybugs?
Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining.
Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds.
Chandler: Not like that I won't. Kip would have liked the birds.

Rachel is packing for her and Paolo's trip to the Poconos, and Phoebe prepares herself to tell Rachel about what happened.

Phoebe: Hey.
Rachel: Hi Phoebes! What's going on?
Phoebe: Are you moving out?
Rachel: No. Going away for the weekend.
Phoebe: Oh. Are your weekends longer than two days?
Rachel: No. These aren't all my suitcases. This one's Paolo's.
Phoebe: Uh. Um, Rachel, can we talk for a sec?
Rachel: Well, sure, just for a sec though, Paolo's on his way over.
Phoebe: Ugh. OK, um, OK. Um.
Rachel: Oh, Phoebes, Phoebes.
Phoebe: Um, we haven't known each other for that long a time and um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world.
Rachel: OK...Thanks Phebes. Oh my God!
Phoebe: I know.
Rachel: Why have I never tasted these before?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies.
Rachel: You're right. These are the best oatmeal raisin cookies I have ever had.
Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.
Rachel: I guess you don't.
Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.

Chandler and Joey are showing Monica and Ross their new table.

Chandler: So what do you think?
Ross: I think it's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.
Chandler: I know.
Monica: So how does this work? Does it just balance the plates on these little guys' heads?
Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on.
Monica: Heads up, Ross. Score! You suck!

Rachel is stunned after what Phoebe told her.

Phoebe: Are you OK?
Rachel: I need some milk.
Phoebe: OK, I've got milk. Here you go. Better?
Rachel: No. Ugh, I feel so stupid. I think about the other day with you guys, you know, and I was all, oh Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so, ugh! God! I'm so embarrassed.
Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed. I'm the one he hit on.
Rachel: Phoebe, I unleashed him on you! If I hadn't, this would have never happened- I'm so sorry.
Rachel & Phoebe: I'm so sorry, no I'm sorry.
Phoebe: Oh wait! What are we sorry about?
Rachel: I don't know. Right. He's the pig.
Phoebe: Such a pig.
Rachel: Ugh! God, he's such a pig! He's like a big, disgusting, like a pig, pig man!
Phoebe: Yes, good. OK!
Rachel: Oh, but he was my pig man. How did I not see this?
Phoebe: Ooh! I know! Because he's gorgeous and he's charming and when he looks at you-
Rachel: OK, OK. Phoebe.
Phoebe: The end.
Rachel: Ugh, God.
Phoebe: Should I not have told you?
Rachel: No trust me. It's, it's, it's much better that I know. Ah, I just liked it better before. It was better.

Phoebe goes over to Chandler and Joey's, where they are playing foosball.

Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know, Paolo's over there right now, so...
Monica: We should get over there and see if she's OK. Just one second. Score! Come on.
Ross: Ooh. Well, looks like we kicked your butts.
Joey: No, no she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic Standing There Team.
Ross: Come on, two on one.
Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy! It's time for you to swoop in.
Ross: What, now?
Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop. You got to make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you. She's got to know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the Anti-Paolo.
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her, you pick up the pieces and then you usher in The Age of Ross.

Rachel is tossing Paolo's clothes over the balcony.

Rachel: See this? See?
Paolo: 'speaking Italian'
Ross: How's it going?
Monica: All right. Don't stare. OK, she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm waving. OK, that is either how could you, or enormous breasts. OK, here he comes.
Phoebe: Ooh.
Paolo: Uh... I am, uh... to say goodbye.
Phoebe: Oh, OK. Bye bye.
Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, but I still have three of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.
Paolo: Grazi.
Ross: Paolo, I just want to tell you, and I, I think I speak for everyone when I say-

Ross slams the door in Paolo's face.

Phoebe: Oh, just look at her.
Ross: Oh, hey! You guys. I think only one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed.
Monica: Oh, you're right.
Ross: And I really think it should be me.

Ross joins Rachel on the balcony.

Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: You all right?
Rachel: Oh... I've been better. I can't believe this. I wasn't supposed to care about this guy. You know? It was just supposed to be this big, fun, Italian thing. You know? Someday I could look back on it and say, 'hey, that was a big, fun, Italian thing.' It wasn't supposed to feel like this when it was over. Huh.
Ross: Come here. Listen. You deserve so much better than him. You know? I mean, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.
Rachel: Oh, Ross.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy. I don't want to think about another guy. I don't even want to be near another guy. Heh.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: Oh Ross. You're so great.

Ross and Rachel come back in.

Monica: Hey, honey, are you all right?
Phoebe: Are you OK?
Rachel: Medium. Any cookies left?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Ross: See, Rach, um. See, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.
Rachel: No. No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want.
Ross: Eh, no. No. See, because not all guys out there are going to be a Paolo.
Rachel: No, I know. You know, and I'm sure your little boy's not going to grow up to be one.
Ross: What?
Rachel: What?
Ross: I'm, I'm, I'm having a boy?
Rachel: Uh, no. No, no, in fact you're not having a boy.
Ross: Whoa. I'm, I'm having a boy. No, no, j-, uh, am I having a boy? I'm, I'm having a boy! Aw, I'm having a boy!

Chandler and Joey burst in.

Chandler & Joey: What? What is it?
Ross: I'm having a boy!! I'm, I'm having a boy!
Chandler & Joey: Hey!! We already knew that!
Ross: I'm having a son.

Monica is playing foosball with Chandler and Joey.