Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: I just want to check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Monica: Oh my God. Phoebe, don't look now, but behind you there is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Phoebe: Ooh, where? Ooh, come to Mama.
Monica: OK, he's coming, be cool, be cool, be cool.
Coma Guy: Nice hat.
Monica & Phoebe: Thanks!
Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.
Monica: What? I am not going to whistle.
Phoebe: Yeah, come on, do it.
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it!
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it, do it, do it!
Monica: Whoo-hoo!

The cute guy gets hit by an ambulance.

Phoebe: I cannot believe you did that!

OPENING CREDITS

Monica and Phoebe are at the hospital, visiting the cute guy, who is now in a coma.

Monica: Why did I 'whoo-hoo?' I mean, what was I hoping would happen, that he'd turn around and say 'Ooh, I love that sound, I must have you now?'
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. Hello, hello coma guy. Get up, you Girl Scout, get up, up up!!
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.
Monica: Gosh, I wish we at least knew his name. Would you look at that face? I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Monica: OK, he's a lawyer who teaches sculpting on the side. And he can dance.
Phoebe: And he's the kind of guy, who when you're talking, he's listening, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand,' but really wondering what you look like naked.
Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.
Phoebe: I know.

The friends are hanging out at Monica and Rachel's.

Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
Monica: He doesn't have anyone.
Phoebe: Yeah, we feel kind of responsible.
Joey: I can't believe you said 'whoo-hoo.' I don't even say 'whoo-hoo.'
Rachel: Oh! She's coming up, she's coming up!
Jay Leno on TV: Folks, when we come back, we'll be talking about her new book, Euphoria Unbound, the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might want to put the kids to bed for this one. We'll be right back.
Chandler: You know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO and Cinemax.
Rachel: No way! Forget it!
Joey: Come on, she's your mom.
Chandler: Exactly. Weekend at Bernie's. Dead guy getting hit in the groin 20 or 30 times.
Rachel: Chandler, I got to tell you, I love your mom's books. I love her books. I cannot get on a plane without one. I mean, this is so cool.
Chandler: Yeah, well you wouldn't think it was cool if you were eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.
Ross: Come on, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.
Ross: Oh please.

Paolo comes in.

Paolo: Buenos!
Rachel: Hi sweetie!
Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Phoebe: Hey, hey, hey, she's on!
Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!
Jay Leno on TV: Before we get to the book, what is this about you being arrested in London? What is that all about?
Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?
Chandler: Shh! Busy beaming with pride.
Nora on TV: Oh, Jay, it was kind of embarrassing but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man-
Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?
All: Shh!
Nora on TV: I just get this craving for Kung Pao Chicken.
Chandler: That's too much information!!
Jay Leno on TV: All right, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?
Nora on TV: Oh, fine, I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate, but I get to see my son, who I love!
All: Awww!
Chandler: This is the way that I find out! Most moms use the phone.
Jay Leno on TV: Don't get this wrong, but I just don't see you as a mom somehow, I don't mean that bad.
Nora on TV: Oh no! I am a fabulous mom. I bought my son his first condoms.
Chandler: And then he burst into flames.

Phoebe and Monica are visiting Coma Guy.

Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill, the mayor wants to raise subway fares again, the high today was 45, and oh, teams played sports.
Phoebe: What about Glenn? He could be a Glenn.
Monica: No, not special enough.
Phoebe: Ooh, how about Agamemnon?
Monica: Way too special.

The friends are having dinner with Chandler's mom.

Nora: I'm famished, what do I want?
Chandler: Please, God, don't let it be Kung Pao Chicken.
Nora: Oh! You watched the show! What did you think?
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little bit.
Ross: What is this dive? Only you could have picked this place.
Nora: Oh, come on, shut up, it's fun.
Ross: Hi.
Nora: Give me a hug. Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.
Chandler: I know I am.
Nora: Who wants shots?
Phoebe: I'm in.
Nora: Ross?
Ross: I'm not really a shot drinking kind of guy.
Rachel: Hi! Hi, sorry, sorry we're late. We kind of, just you know, lost track of time.
Ross: But a man can change. Anyone want me to appraise anything?
Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I have read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Nora: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book!
Chandler: My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

Nora is on the pay phone when Ross comes out of the restroom.

Nora: Yeah, any messages for Room 226? You OK, slugger?
Ross: Oh yeah. I'm fine, I'm fine.
Nora: What is with you tonight?
Ross: Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Nora: OK, thank you. It's the Italian hand licker, isn't it?
Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.
Nora: She's supposed to be with you.
Ross: You're good.
Nora: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books and you know why?
Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
Nora: No, because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn 325 pages for a Paolo. Come on, the guy's a secondary character. He's just, you know, a complication you eventually kill off.
Ross: When?
Nora: He's not a hero. You know who our hero is.
Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Nora: No, it's you.
Ross: Oh please.
Nora: No, really, come on, you're smart, you're sexy.
Ross: Right.
Nora: Oh, kiddo, you're going to be fine, believe me.
Ross: Uh oh.

Nora kisses Ross just as Joey walks by.

Joey: Uh.... I'll just pee in the street.

Ross goes to Chandler and Joey's apartment.

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: OK, about last night, you know, Chandler, you didn't tell- OK, cause I'm thinking we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right, one kiss, no big deal, right?
Joey: Right. No big deal. In bizarro world!! You broke the code!
Ross: What code?
Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are OK, maybe a hot looking aunt, but not a mom! Never a mom!

Chandler comes out, scaring himself as well as Ross and Joey.

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?!
Ross: Uh, well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game, but apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: You guys spend way too much time together.

Chandler goes back inside.

Ross: OK, I'm scum. I'm scum.
Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?
Ross: I don't know! God, I, well, it's not like she's a regular mom, you know. She's sexy, she's...
Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
Ross: Well, not in the same way.
Joey: Hey! I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, all right?!
Ross: OK, I think we're getting into a weird area.

Rachel and Paolo step into the hallway.

Ross: Aaah!
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Well, well, not playing racquetball.
Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size.
Ross: He didn't get the goggles.
Joey: Right, right.
Rachel: Well, sounds like you two have issues. Bye, baby.
Paolo: Ciao, bella.
Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?

Phoebe is visiting Coma Guy when Monica comes in.

Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: Nothing. I just thought I'd stop by. You know, after the uh- that I, you know. Um, so what are you doing here?
Monica: Um, I'm not really here, I just thought I'd drop these off on the way, my way. Do you, um, come here a lot without me?
Phoebe: No. No! No!! So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
Monica: How would I know? I wasn't here.
Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his pajamas?!

Ross tells Chandler about kissing his mom.

Chandler: Oh my God!
Ross: You're my friend, I had to tell you.
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Ross: Yeah, I mean, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink. You know, I mean, you know how he gets when he's drunk. I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
Chandler: What?
Ross: I, I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora, um, Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was uh, was just being nice you know, and, but nothing happened, nothing, ask Joey. Joey came in-
Chandler: You knew about this?
Joey: Uh. You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you. Why didn't you tell me?
Joey: Hey, hey, hey! You're lucky I caught them when I did or else who knows what would have happened?
Chandler: I can't believe this, what the hell were you thinking?!
Ross: I wasn't! I don't- I, I-
Chandler: You know, of all my friends, no one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
Ross: I know.
Chandler: I can't believe you did this!
Ross: Chandler.
Joey: You know what?
Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
Joey: What are you mad at me for?
Ross: Chandler.
Chandler: Let me slam the door!

Monica visits Rachel at Central Perk, where Rachel is writing a rough draft.

Monica: Rach.
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green.
Rachel: Yeah, thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now do you think his love stick can be liberated from its denim prison?
Monica: Yeah. I'd say so. And there's no "j" in engorged.
Phoebe: Hey Rach. Hey.
Monica: Hello.
Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?
Monica: No. You?
Phoebe: No. You?
Monica: You just asked me.
Phoebe: OK. Maybe it was a trick question.

Ross and Joey are sitting on the couch.

Joey: OK, now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
Rachel: Central Perk is proud to present Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Thanks, hi. Um, OK, I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met who's come to be very important to me. OK. You don't have to be awake to be my man. Long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand. Thought we just met the other day, there's something I have got to say. OK, thank you very much, I'm going to take a short break.
Rachel: OK, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody!

Phoebe passes Chandler coming into Central Perk as she chases Monica to the hospital.

Chandler: What the hell was that?
Ross: Oh, Phoebe just started-
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey. All right there, mother kisser?
Joey: Haha. Mother kisser. Haha. I'll shut up.
Ross: Chandler can I just say something? I know you're still mad at me. I just want to say that there were two people there that night. OK? There were two sets of lips.
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her, OK? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Ross: OK, well if she always behaves like this why don't you say something to her?
Chandler: Because it's complicated! It's complex. Hey, you kissed my mom!
Ross: We're rehearsing a Greek play.
Chandler: That's very funny, are we done now?
Ross: No! OK. You mean you're not going to talk to her, you're not going to tell her how you feel?
Chandler: That would be a no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her, all right? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Ross: OK, "you can't," or you can't? OK, that's my finger. OK, um, that's my knee. Still doing the play. Ahh ahh.

Monica and Phoebe arrive at the hospital to find Coma Guy's room empty.

Phoebe: All right, what'd you do with him?

Coma Guy comes out of the restroom.

Monica: Oh! You're awake!
Phoebe: Look at you! How do you feel?
Coma Guy: Ah, a little woozy, but basically OK.
Monica: Gosh, well, you look good.
Coma Guy: I feel good. Who are you?
Monica: Oh.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: Sorry.
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.
Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.
Phoebe: Well, we both have.
Coma Guy: So the Etch a Sketch is from you guys?
Phoebe: Well, actually, it's just from me.
Monica: Yeah, I got you the foot massager.
Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me.
Monica: I read to you.
Phoebe: I sang! Ha.
Coma Guy: Wow, thanks.
Monica: My pleasure.
Phoebe: You're welcome.
Coma Guy: So, I guess I'll see you around.
Phoebe: What, that's it?
Monica: See you around?
Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?
Monica: Oh, I don't know, maybe, um, that was nice. It meant something to me. I'll call you.
Coma Guy: All right, I'll call you.
Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.
Monica: Let's go, Phoebe.
Phoebe: You know what? We thought you were different. But, I guess it was just the coma.

Chandler is talking to his mother.

Nora: The car's running downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?
Chandler: No, no. Just knowing you're going to be there is enough.
Nora: All right, well, be good. I love you.
Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! Or something to that effect.
Nora: OK. Look, it was stupid.
Chandler: Really stupid.
Nora: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry honey. I promise it will never happen again. Are we OK now?
Chandler: Yeah... no. No.

Joey is listening at the door while Chandler tells off his mother.

Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.
Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.
Ross: You're kidding.
Joey: No, no. He said 'When are you going to grow up and start being a mom?!'
Ross: Wow.
Joey: Wait, wait. Then she came back with 'When are you going to grow up and realize I have a bomb?'
Ross: OK, wait a minute. Are you sure she didn't say 'When are you going to grow up and realize I am your mom?'
Joey: That makes more sense, yeah.
Ross: You think.
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: So, what's going on now?
Joey: Well, I don't know, I've been standing here spelling it out for you. I don't hear anything. Wait, wait.
Ross: What do you see?
Joey: It's hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside down. Wait, wait, wait. They're walking away, they're walking away, no, they're coming right at us!
Ross: Run, run!!

Chandler and Nora come out of the apartment.

Nora: You OK, kiddo?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm OK.
Nora: All right, you be good.
Chandler: Drive safe.
Ross: Mrs. Bing.
Nora: Mr. Geller.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: You mean that?
Chandler: Yeah, why not? So I told her.
Ross: Ugh. How'd it go?
Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn't have gone worse.
Ross: Huh. Well, how do you feel?
Chandler: Pretty good. I told her.
Ross: Well? See? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, you know, me kissing your mom, huh? Huh? But we don't have to go down that road.

Rachel is passing out her rough draft to everyone.