Daily Thoughts

(just written down as they come to me...freeform. I'm trying to make this as personal as possible, so if you see your name mentioned, that is way. Please don't be offended, as these are only my thoughts. The whole purpose of this is sort of an online diary for me.)

Nov.30-We got our sattelite at our house working, which means I'm watching way too much TV right now. The new still hasn't worn off. Anyways, I was watching some teeny bopper movie this afternoon (yeah, I'm a sap, I admit it) about this girl who acted like she was dating her next door neighbor in order to make her old boyfriend want her again and ask her to this dance. But as fate would have it (haha) she ends up falling in love with her neighbor. The thing that is really interesting about this is that she is miss popular in her high school, while her neighbor isn't exactly "cool." He's got "weird" friends and goes and hangs out at clubs and watches bands like well, the Donnas (who were in the movie). Why are you writing all this down Jay? Well, because I think the movie may have gotten it wrong. The movie people portrayed that 2 people who aren't alike can come together and be truly happy. I don't know if that's right or not. It seems like to me you'd have to have some kind of common interests or it won't work. Hmm...it is puzzling. There are definitely 2 sides to it and I can see how it would work both ways. Interesting, it makes me wonder if me making a mental list about things that someone I would date would have to have is such a good idea. Anybody have any thoughts on this? Do you think 2 people who are that different would actually work? Email me if you want, I'd like to hear what you have to say about it.

Nov.21-Life's been good lately. I talked on IM for a long time last night. It was nice, I felt like, for the most part, all of the conversations were pretty meaningful and weren't a waste of time. Today we have just about got the sattelite working (yay), plus I got my history test back and I got an A. It's sort of a tribute to slacker-ness, because honestly I studied for about half and hour before the test and that's it. It makes me feel good to know I can make good grades and not try too hard, but at the same time this is not a good habit to get into. Oh well. My math teacher is cool as well, she is letting me take my test early. Yeah, this has been a great day! Yippee. I am going home tommorrow. That will be nice too. My first time home since August. Crazy huh? I always thought it would bug me to be gone this long, but it hasn't at all. I'm glad, I think it means I'm maturing or something.

Nov.11-OU is still undefeated, but we tried hard. I guess the game really upset me today. I know it was just a football game, but I hate how no matter how well you play all that people see is the final score of 35-31. I guess it's like that in life too--no matter how hard you work at something, all anyone see's is the final outcome. It's sad but so true. I hate how we can study really hard for a test but still do bad. Or how we can have everything going right with a girl, but just to have it end badly. Or those times when you really try to be a witness to your friend, but they never will give Christ a chance. I hate stuff like that. But we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on. But hopefully, we learn from our mistakes. I know I do.

Nov.6-Hahahaha. Well, if you backtrack to the nov. 4 date, you can see my "girl" predicament. Well, haha....ummm...that girl read that post tonight, and we talked about it. It's all good, I feel much better now that we got it out in the open. I hate talking about stuff like that on IM, but I guess it is easier. Girls need to watch out sometimes. Their actions are many times interpreted to be flirting by guys, when they don't mean it to be. Ahh....girl and boy problems...will we ever figure them out? Maybe one day.....

Nov.5-I guess not too much has changed in my world. In church this morning Brain talked about grace and our freedom from the law. It was a very cool talk and it brought up some things I've never thought about before. I had never thought about the law being like a light. It shows you what sin is, but sin exists without the law. It just defines it. So we don't neccessarily need the law now because we have the holy spirit in us and he does the same thing. Cool cool stuff. I keep thinking about how much I need to be praying and trusting in God more. Every waking breath I have should be me giving glory to him, but it's definetly not. Arghh...the flesh....it's hard to tame. God is helping me though. Thank goodness.

Nov. 4-Well, Wednesday turned out better than I thought. At Doulos that night Brian and Tristie gave their "dating" talk, which helped me out immensely. They talked about the responsibilities of both guys and girls in relationships. This was definetly something Jay needed to hear.

Last night I went to Austin with Marta. I had a good time. We left early enough to swing by Waterloo and I was able to pick up the new Rainer Maria 7" and the Ethel Meserve full-length the "Milton Abandonment." We ate some food at the Waterloo Ice House and then went to the Show. We were going to see Centro-Matic and the Black Heart Procession, but honestly, I thinked I liked the opening band, The Devil Probably, a lot more. They just rocked out, and I was really impressed by their drummer. Centro-matic was good, but they just didn't play enough of their upbeat songs. By the time the Black Heart Procession came out, I was a tired little boy. We stayed for about 3 or 4 songs and then left.

Last night was really good for me because I think I finally got some things figured out. For a while I had a crush on Marta, but I think that's over now, which is definetly a good thing. It was hard because she's a christian, really funny, likes indie rock, is pretty, etc, etc, etc. So she's very easy to like. I was contemplating asking her on a date for a while, but after hearing Brian's talk I realized I don't really know how I exactly feel about it. This is good because it saves me a lot of embarassment. So now it's cool and I think I'm just going to enjoy the new friendship that we've made. I think too many times guys, including me, think about girls and whether they like them way too much. I think we should all just relax and chill out. Also, I learned from Brian, that when you do like someone and you know it, tell them. If you get your head chopped off, just pick it back up and go on. Mixed signals and confusion are never a good thing. All in all, I know I'm just going to try and take things as they come and not dwell on stupid stuff. God's got someone out there that he wants me to date, I just need to be patient and wait for that person.

 Nov. 1-I guess it’s about time I got back to doing this webpage. For those of you who read this and don’t know me (which probably isn’t many of you, but hey—it’s nice to dream), you can see it’s been quite a while since I’ve had any updates on here. I was lazy, plus it’s hard to want to do something when you’re not sure anyone reads what you write. But I’ve decided I’m just going to try to make this my “journal” and write whatever I feel here. I want it to be as personal as possible, if for no other reason I can reflect back on this stuff later.

Today is a frustrating day. I woke up and upon getting out of the shower I realized I have no clean underwear. *sigh* Back on with the old ones. I got a ride to school with Robert and studied for a bit before I went to Anthropology. My professor handed out a review sheet for the exam on Monday. I’m scared. I know maybe half of the stuff on there. I hope I can learn it all this weekend. After that fun class, I was looking forward to eating a nice pizza buffet at Double Dave’s. Well, when I walked downstairs, I saw that it was raining. I thought “No big deal, I’ll just get a little wet.” It was ok until I got about half-way there. Then it started pouring down. I was on my bike so I ended up sopping wet. My butt is still wet as I type this 3 hours later. After a somewhat relaxing lunch, I go to Math and take a quiz that kicked my butt. I then get back my test from last Wednesday and I didn’t do as good as I would have liked on it. It’s really frustrating. I’m posting solid B’s in just about everything, and I really want to do better. I guess I shouldn’t complain too much, but I should do better. I guess I’m just having a hard time balancing my time.

I saw on Pitchforkmedia.com that they are looking for reviewers. I think I’m going to write a nice sample review tomorrow and send it to them. That would be so cool to be a reviewer for them. It would really help me in trying to work in music, if that’s what I’m supposed to do. It’s so frustrating to not have a clue about my future. I pray, but God just isn’t giving me a huge answer. I know I need to trust him more, it’s just so hard sometimes. Lately, I’ve needed to do that for a lot of things in my life. After the Grace retreat I was doing very good at it. I was praying with total faith and I saw 2 of my prayers get answered. But once again, I’m back to not having total faith and trying to figure things out myself. I need to do what Ben told me to do more often. When it pops up in my mind, give it to God in prayer, and not dwell on it and worry about it. I’m trying to do just that.

I have 2 tests tomorrow and I don’t feel like studying. I’m so tired of school. I hope I don’t keep this attitude. I’ve got to stay focused.

I read 1 Peter right before I went on the retreat. It’s a very cool book. Check it out. It helped me immensely. I really liked the stuff about “speak like you are the oracle of God.” That’s very cool, because it is exactly what we are. I need to remember that more.

Wow, this is long. Maybe I can keep this up. I feel better already.

May. 30-I went to One Day last weekend. It was amazing. I was surrounded by so many other college students who wanted to seek the Lord as much as I do. I really believe our generation is gonna bring about a revolution. We are not gonna be the "lost generation." I believe we're gonna have a huge impact on this world. With Christ, all things are possible and I know that if we continue to seek his face and humble ourselves he'll have huge things in store for us. Its gonna be great; I can't wait.

May 9.-Honestly, I really don't have much to write about. I am starting to like a lot of different music, music that I thought I would never like. I guess I am just trying to go into things with more of an upon mind. This is a relatively new concept for me....haha. But anyway, so I'm getting more open to stuff, which I think is really good. Not just open to music either, but everything else in life too. So anyway, I guess that is all I have for know. Thanks for reading.

Apr.29-I got really frustrated the other night because I had a ton of stuff to do and I was cramming for all these tests. I started to think about it and really question why I was trying at all. I still have no clue what I want to do for my major and I didn't see the point of striving for excellence when I had no goal in sight. But thank goodness God cares loves me. Well, I began to read Matthew and I realized that Jesus didn't even start his ministry until he had spent 40 days in the wilderness fasting. He had a time of preparation before starting on his life task. God showed me that I need that time too. He's got a plan for me and I'm just in the preparation stage right now. It was so reassuring to read that--the fact that even Jesus had a period of preparation. Anyway...that is my neato thought for now.

Apr.19-Life is busy. Too busy. I don't handle this kind of stress well. But it's not too bad. God has been really good lately and is helping me out a bunch. Lust has been creaping back in on me and I've really had to watch myself. Especially my thought life. Its so hard...especially with what the girls wear now that it is warm. Its not their fault of course, but it just makes it harder. Oh well though, I will make it. Keep me in your prayers as always...and like I've said before...if you have a prayer request, send it here. Thanks.

Apr.11-Well, for those of you who read my last post about my history test, I have good news (I guess). Without reading either of the novels we were supposed to read or taking any notes in class, I made a 94. If you remember, for the previous test I read the whole novel we were supposed to read and I took lots of notes and wrote a really good essay. I made a 71. Oh the wonders of the American education system. Its really sad that it works this way...oh well though.

Apr.8-2:38 am. I just got done watching 2 movies. The first one, Harrison Bergeron, was nothing special on a film critic's scale. The acting was not great, mostly done in part by washed up actors. But the thing that made this movie special was the ideas behind it. Based on a Kurt Vonnegut short story, it dealt with the idea that it was about 50 years in the future and the U.S. had previously undergone the second American Revolution. Now a few key people ran the whole U.S. and had programmed the citizens and the government into mediocrity. By believing that sameness is equality, the people turned the population of the U.S. into almost mindless zombies. Harrison is born intelligent and wants to stop all of this. Anyway, this isn't a movie review so I won't say anymore about the plot. The thing that really got to me was, well, how true the movie was. I have been thinking lately a lot about the people at my school. I would deem that I go to a semi-intellectual university and that it's not that school here is not just extremely easy. So why does everyone here seem to be the same? This really bugs me. Everywhere I go, I see people that look the same, act the same, listen to the same music, go to the same places, and live for the same things. This is deeply saddening to me. I really don't understand the joy of being just one out of many. Why not enjoy who you really are? I guess it may partly to blame for some of those people not knowing Christ and the freedom a relationship with him brings. This is definetly a part of it. In fact, it may be the biggest part. I'm not for sure yet. But I know there is much more to life than wearing the right cloths, listening to "cool" music, and living to get drunk on the weekends. There is so much more out there and it depresses me how so much of the population is looking for answers in all the wrong places. Are we as christians to blame for this? Probably somewhat. Christian in its modern day usage has almost become equivalent to hypocrite. Why? Because of outlets like the media that seem to only broadcast the negative (I guess thats because that's what gets people's attention). The general public only hears about the "Christians" who blow up abortion clinics and condemn gays to hell. They fail to mention to people all the christians out there who are pouring out God's love on a daily basis, but then again they also fail to mention all the planes that don't crash. Anyway, I don't exactly know what I am getting at by all this. I guess it's just that we really need to watch our witness. It's obvious that the world is searching for something (otherwise we wouldn't have trends). We need to show the world that even the latest craze can't fill that God shaped void. There are a lot of people out there looking for that missing puzzle piece; lets give it to them.

Mar.28-Man, oh man. We don't take God seriously enough. I don't think we have the fear of him that we should. Yesterday I fell on the ground while praying to him. God was telling me that I am not worthy of any of this, but through his grace I have recieved it. How often do we say just a little quick prayer of "Help me with this test God"? But do we ever take the time to bow down and really exalt him? Really worship him just for being who he is? It's definetly something to think about. God is a jealous God, so don't put anything before him. He created you, and he can just as easily take you away. Anyway....this is what he's been showing me lately. Don't take him for granted.

Mar.27-How do I know what God's calling is for me? Thats been on my mind a lot lately. I do I determine the difference between what he is telling me to do and what I think he is telling me to do? I think its a hard thing to tell, and definetly something you don't want to rush into. So I'm really trying to give it lots of prayer and I'm really looking into all the talents, gifts, and resources God has given me. Hopefully through careful examination of these and lots of reading of God's word I'll be able to determine what God wants me to do with my summer and beyond. I'm praying LOTS about it and I would appreciate the prayer of all you guys too. Also, if anyone has ever had an experience where they really felt God calling them to something...please share it with me. I would love to hear your encouraging story and to see how you knew for sure it was God. Thanks bunches.

Mar.21-My mind is kind of blank right now. I wish I had some thought, but I don't at the present. Please keep me in your prayers. I really am trying to figure out God's plan for my life, and how he wants me to use the gifts he's given me. So please, keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

Mar.9-I seem to have the problem of always wanting more for my life. I look at where I want to be and what I want to accomplish, and it seems like the present is never enough. That's really ironic actually cause I never would have dreamed that half the stuff that has happened to me would've. Anyway, its definetly something to think about. Look back at your life and see all that you've accomplished. When you really start to think about it its kind of mind blowing. But don't let it stop there. Use it as a fuel to move forward. If you're ashamed of your past, take your future down a different path. If you are proud of it, continue down that trail. God's got plans for ALL of our lives, sometimes it's just a little hard for someone as hard-headed as me to grasp.

Mar.8-Romans 1:16-"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek." Sure...I had heard that verse before. But it never really hit me until I read it this past weekend. Paul was so right. How could you be ashamed of the most important message ever? There is no reason in the world to hide the message of Christ. I never will again. I can remember looking back and trying to be cool, and not speaking up when I was asked about God. Well, those times are over. From now on I will never be ashamed of Christ. It's a message that everyone needs to hear and I will do my best to share it with everyone. Not shove it down anyone's throat, its just that I won't be afraid to mention it either. Its the truth and if people won't accept it, that's fine. They have the choice. But I will keep on.....

Mar.5-Friends are a precious thing. I think a lot of times we take our friends for granted. Step back sometime and just really look at your friends. It's pretty amazing actually (at least for me anyways). I realize I am blessed with so many great friends with so many qualities I could only wish I had. Really, stop and think about it for a minute, and thank God for the people he's blessed your life with.

Mar.2-Arrrghhhhhhh!!!....I just got my grade back from my history test that I took a week ago. It was an all easy test consisting of 2 essay questions. Honestly, I felt really good about the test when I turned it in. In the short time I had, I felt that I constructed 2 well written essays. Well, I get the test back today and I got a 71. Now I guess for some people a 71 is not bad in History, but I love History and usually do very well. So you're probably thinking so what, you got a bad grade...get over it. The thing that I guess really peturbs me is the T.A. who grades this has no concern for the quality of writing; his only concern is whether I mentioned a certain list of topics. Seriously, its like he didn't even read my essay, he just went through there and skimmed for the right words. At the end of both essays there is a list of like 5 or 6 topics that I didn't mention. The thing is I could sit down right now and fully explain each of those topics to you. It's not like I don't know the material (which is what I thought a test did--test you on whether you knew the material or not). I just didn't have time in the hour and fifteen minutes that I am in the class to fully explain all the points centered around the social, political, and economical changes that the U.S. was going through at the end of the 19th century. And that was only one of the TWO questions! See what I mean...? How are you supposed to construct a well-written essay over a topic like that and include the 10-15 specific topics he wants in just an hour. There is no possible way, other than basically just listing those specific topics and writing like 1 sentence on each of them. I guess thats what he wants, a poorly written "essay" that just has like 15 little facts crammed into it. One part of me wants to write this guy an email and let him know the true definition of an "essay." I mean its an essay...an essay is something someone READS.....not skims over looking for specific events. Arrghhh. But another part of me says just play his game and get it over with. Honestly though...this really makes me mad. Essays were meant to be written well, and stuff like this only contributes to the lack of quality writing coming out this country today. How can we expect kids to be good writers if we all they ever know is essays like this? Anyway...I guess I'll get off my soapbox now. If anyone has ANY feelings regarding this.....please let me hear them.

Feb. 29-I think I've just come to a revelation as far as my thoughts on music are concerned. Let me explain...for those of you who know me (and even those of you who don't), I listen to what most people would consider "weird" music. Its just not the normal stuff you would find on the radio. Although currently I listen to a lot of different styles, I would say I come from punk roots. Since I have kind of developed my tastes from that, I have always been kind of opposed to any of the popular music that was currently out there. And for the most part, I still am. The problem lies in the music that was created before my time. I'm talking about early rock and roll. Bands like the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Velvet Underground, etc. were all doing things that were very progressive and they continually pushed the boundaries of what was known as "popular music" at the time. Honestly, I don't think I ever really realized this until today, when I was listening to a tape of a lot of this music for my music class. The so-called "popular music" back in the day was actually extremely talented and was not just rehash of what had come before. So this brings me to my new question: When did rock take its fall? Why did so many bands in the 50s, 60s, and 70s push the limits of the music, only to have the music of the past 10-20 years (for the most part) be so unoriginal? I am going to investigate this further...and we shall see what develops. Honestly, I really want to know what bands brought down a lot of the originality in popular music. Hmm....hmm...anyway..that is my revelation. That early music groups were actually original and skilled, and somewhere down the line it got bad. This may not seem neat to anyone else, but to me it was a pretty big deal.

Feb. 28-Well...I was going to write all kinds of deep thoughts down, but I don't really have any that are that profound right now. Lets see.... I know I am way to negative of a person a lot of the time. I guess I need prayer for that. I really need to change that. I mean, this great girl likes me, but I can't seem to come to grasp with that. I keep wanting to think that she doesn't. I really shouldn't be so negative. I also seem to focus on the neg. things here. Like I get all upset cause my roommate's bike is in my way when it takes me like 2 secs. to move it. Thats not a big deal, but I get all upset over it in my head. Man....I really need to just chill out I guess. God will help me...I just need to pray for it. Sometimes I forget these minute details that actually end up becoming really big. Anyway, I'm not sure any of this makes any sense to anyone but me, but oh well.

Feb. 20-(by the way....sorry for no updates in a while)..In the past couple of weeks God has done phenomenal things in my life. For those of you who know me well you probably know about all this (and since thats probably who is reading this) so I won't bore you with all of it again. Anyway though, its just been amazing to see how God has picked me up and dusted me off, and set me back down to bring glory to him. This past Thursday I got involved in a evangelism thing where me and another guy go out and witness to people on Thurs. afternoon. It is really cool and it has really caused my walk to grow as well. I have really been trying to be an instrument of God lately. As weird as this sounds...I had a dream last night. I don't remember much of it, except for one image that kept coming back to me off me putting ten dollars in the offering plate at church. Well, when I went to church this morning, I felt a huge tug at my heart to put in 10 dollars to the offfering. I didn't even know if I had 10 dollars with me, but I told God I would be faithful and when the plate came by I would do it. So the plate came by and lo and behold I had 2 fives just waiting in my wallet. I gave that money more willing than I ever had, and I know God has plans for where that is going to go. I can't express how good it feels to be used by him.

Jan.19-Well, I've pretty much been to all my classes for this semester now. I think this is going to be a good semester. The problem with thinking that is that I think that about every semester. Not that all my semesters turn out bad or anything, it's just that I seem to make these resolutions that I don't always stick too. Like I decided this semester that I'm going to try to read and stay up with ALL my classes and try to get somewhat "fit." I'm not a fat slob or anything, I've just decided that I'm going to actually do something physical everyday, or at least 3 to 4 times a week. We'll see how this goes. I have a problem with convincing myself that I can put something off until later, and then I never get around to it. But hopefully I'll stand firm and follow through with these resolutions. We shall see.......

Jan. 18-I've been trying to make a compilation CD for a couple of friends. They don't live in the same town I do, and I wanted them to be able to actually here the music I always talk about. It's a lot harder to do than I thought though. There are so many songs and bands that mean a lot to me. In some instances I will really love a band, but I can't pick just one song by them that I really enjoy. And in other instances, I may not be totally in love with a band that much, but I really like a couple of their songs. The reason its so hard is I wanted to include a sheet that said why I liked that song and or that band. When you stop and think about it, that's really hard to do, for me anyways. Sometimes I fall in love with the catchiness of a song, the power of a song, or just the lyrics. It's really hard to pinpoint why I like certain things. Try it sometime; try to think why you like things. You'll be surprised at how hard it is. I guess thats what makes us all so unique.

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