Negotiations....September 2, 1999

Negotiations....September 2, 1999

I sat in front of the phone, inhaling deep, deep, deeper still. As soon as my lungs felt as though they were an external organ, I exhaled slowly and smoothly. Feeling only a slight degree less tense, I repeated the process. I ended up echoing it several times before feeling sufficed that I had mustered up some nerve while partially relinquishing my nervousness.

It was time to dial.

While waiting for an answer, I could not help but reiterate how I hated this process. One would think that after monthly reprise, I would feel comfortable and confident, or at least slightly less disconcerted. However, the only ease I experience is in having memorized the script, and knowing everyone at the call center on a first name basis.

And, oh, how they are familiar with me.

The much too cheery voice on the automated service tells me whom I have reached (as if that was in question), and to please stay on the line for the next available representative since they are all (oh so) busy at the moment. If their lines are so goddamn tied up all the time, why do I always feel as though I am the only one that has to play this role?

Because, really, that is exactly how they want me to feel. I am the aberration.

As if having to call to begin with, then having to wait for someone's nails to dry, was not consequence enough for being perpetually broke, we always have the veritable repertoire of horrible piano renditions of Bette Midler tunes to wait by.

And we wonder why gambling is such a social problem.

Just as I lose my last strand of volition and start singing the second verse of Wind Beneath My Wings, I am interrupted by Helen.

"Welcome to The Bank, this is Helen speaking. May I have your account number please?".

Great, Helen, the one who never gets any, I swear, judging from her disposition; I hope she didn't hear me crooning. Unlike her colleagues, one cannot envision a fake smile on Helen, nor does she bother with the facade of compassionate sincerety. She is all business.

Sheepishly, I give her my account number, wondering to myself why we bother with the ritual of names anymore. To the cubically imprisoned, I am just one dash oh seven two dash three nine five six six. But not to dear Helen. She uses my name as if purposely adding insult to injury.

"Well, Highlands, we have been trying to reach you for days now. But before we begin, I need to verify that it is really you"

As if those that did not have to call would subject themselves to this for amusement.

"May I have your full mailing address, please?"

"123 My Street, Broketon, ON, H0H 0H0."

"Your home and business numbers?"

"519-555-1212 for both"

"Your mamma's maiden name?"

"Doe"

Geez, do you want my blood type and sperm count, too?

"Well, Highlands, it seems had a payment due a couple weeks ago. Can you please tell me when we can expect it?"

How about 2010?

"Well, I should be able to make a payment by the middle of next week...", after which I turn to the script and recite all the reasons why I really am a good capitalist, just down on my luck at the present time: divorce, self-employment, impending wedding.

"Um-hum, be that as it may, I am afraid we'll need some firm arrangements, Highlands."

I'll give ya firm. It may help your attitude, too.

"Next Wednesday."

"That will be a couple days before your next payment is due. Can I assume that you will be making a double payment, then, Highlands?"

Sure, assume away.

"That payment I can make the second last week of the month."

"Can you tell me where the money is coming from?"

"You mean where I am making the payment?"

"Well, no, that and how will you be securing the funds? Will you be getting a paycheque?"

Well, I hear that the downtown area has been rather fruitful lately. I have my corner marked.

"Yes, I will be getting paid."

As if it is any of your business.

"You realize this is affecting your credit, don't you?"

Credit??? I have credit???

"Yes'm, I do realize."

"Thank you for calling, Highlands. Please ensure you stick to these arrangements. I am making note of them in the system."

"Thank you."

Bite me

Highlands - with wheels for another month.

....Blessed Be