Trials....October 4, 1999

Trials....October 4, 1999

A relative placidity has settled into my consciousness this evening much like water that seeps into cracks in the pavement, only to become trapped frozen as a result of a drastic drop in air temperature. In stark contrast to this internal serenity are the great gusts of autumn wind I hear and feel outside my window; the cool air seeping through the crevasses around my hundred year casements caresses and stimulates my bare skin. The goosebumps on my arms and legs are a physical reminder of my most revered season and serve to exacerbate the calmness within.

I dreaded having to go to court this morning. I woke up with an ache in my head, muscles, and bones from lack of restful slumber. Being the key witness in a child guardianship case is perhaps the most distasteful part of my career to date. Although I have been summoned to court before, the cases usually resolved themselves before I ever had to make an appearance, and I was no more than a minor witness. However, whether or not the province was going to permanently remove the mother's parental rights in this case was resting solely on my testimony. I was told to be prepared to be on the stand a long time.

I wrestled with many demons overnight and into the morning as I prepared for my appearance. I wondered if there was something I could have said that would have prevented her from endangering her son's welfare. I wonder if there was more I could have done to ensure she stay sober. I wonder if I said or did something I should not have.

I tried to imagine how it would feel if it were me on the threshold of having my parental rights revoked permanently.

I was too scared to ponder too long.

Despite knowing in my heart of hearts that the child would have a much better quality of life away from his mother's lack of parenting skill, I grieve for all three of us that it is because of a decision I made that it has to be so, and that she stands not a chance to win the case.

I prayed that she sign the guardianship papers, thereby preventing the case having to be heard by a judge.

Sitting in the courtroom, waiting for the mother to arrive, I attempted to make light conversation with the other players in this case; other people on the side of the prosecution. It was forced, although I am confident that they were not able to see through the facade. I intermittently reviewed my affidavit yet again, during which I would hear whispers of the demons I was wrestling with for the last few hours.

She arrived, a half hour late, and almost to the point that the judge was going to sign the guardianship agreement. Despite having months to procure legal advice, the mother asked for an adjournment to seek adequate legal counsel. The judge reluctantly granted the request.

The case will be heard, albiet months down the road. The mother is going to fight. I cannot say that I would do anything differently were I in her position.

I certainly do not like the one I am in now.

....Blessed Be...