Bittersweet Me....July 30, 1999

Bittersweet Me....July 30, 1999

....is not only a kickass R.E.M. song, but the state of my being over the last 24 hours or so. Yesterday was Lowlandz and Rhiannon's tenth wedding anniversary. I could not be more happy for them. It was a tumultuous decade for them, and they made it. It is certainly a time for rejoicing. Few can surpass that milestone with a shred of sanity let alone their partner. I certainly was not able to. Hence enter my bittersweetness.

Ten years ago this week, not only was I best man in Low's ceremony of committment, but I was eagerly anticipating his and my role reversal in a few short weeks. Yes, in a month or so, I would have been married for ten years as well. Not only had their anniversary sparked a few residual emotions for me, but the fact that I am marrying again in a few weeks has as well. Almost ten years to the day that I married the first time. My love for Fall certainly supercedes my desire for self care. I am counting on the joyous upcoming occasion to put to rest those demons once and for all. I know I will never fully "get over" the loss of a relationship, and I know that I cannot replace one wife with another. However, I certainly believe joy and love can overcome sadness and grief.

How I grieve sometimes. I grieve for times that were happy, I grieve for my first love, I grieve for what will never be. I grieve for never being able to resolve what went wrong.

The Goddess tries to understand where I am coming from with respect to my former marriage. However, she has feelings, too, and some residual shit as well. My talk of my ex can either spark sympathy or jealousy depending on the given day. It makes it difficult for me to feel comfortable sharing my feelings about this with her, never knowing just what response I am going to get. I feel I should be able to share everything with her. Most of the time she does, too. Perhaps once we are "committed", she will feel less insecure, in spite of her being cognisant of my thoughts on the institution of marriage in it's own right. It is a piece of paper, nothing more, nothing less. Oh, and a tax break here and there. It gives no guarantees. There is no guarantee that we will be together ten years from now. There is no guarantee that someone's heart will not get broken. All we can do is have faith, and trust. It is difficult for me to possess those sometimes. Words of committment are just words to me.

So, why am I getting married again?

Because The Goddess has a Fairy Tale image of her Knight in Shining Armour whisking her away from the evil clutches of reality straight to the alter. Perhaps that is a little bitter, but true more or less. Also, I feel that deep down inside her, she feels that a ceremony is going to make separation null and void. I know from experience other wise.

I am also getting married again because I love her, and want to say that out loud to my family and dearest friends. So, I am doing it for me, too.

I am so afraid.

Happy Anniversary, my dear friends. I love you both.

....Blessed Be