Damn Those Genetic Propensities...July 2, 1999

Damn Those Genetic Propensities...July 2, 1999

There is a history of mental illness in my mother's family. It has afflicted my grandmother, aunt, mother, and sister. Indeed, it seems to have more of an effect on the women in my mother's family. Nevertheless, while their afflictions are more serious, I have chronic depression. I was told that I need to take anti-depressants for the rest of my life due to having three serious depressions in the last few years. The most serious was when I was sixteen and suicidal. Needless to say, I have not come close to a low like that since then, either with or without the medication.

I have a problem accepting the fact that I have to be medicated for the rest of my life for several reasons. I work with so many over and needlessly medicated clients, that I have a hard time reconciling myself with the fact that I have to be medicated, too. Also, I fear that these drugs, that are being over prescribed, are turning us into a society of lethargic, complacent, zombies.

However, knowing the difference between how I feel, act, and am able to function with and without the medication, I am compelled to choose with. I do not lose my radical edge when taking it, which is one thing I fear a great deal. For this reason, I am kicking myself for not budgeting my money adequately to be able to take them regularly.

My dad insisted I get my "meds" when he gave me the money earlier this week, and solely out of concern for me. Because I had not had them for a few weeks, I am experiencing the nasty side effects that occur when initializing them. One is nausea. The other, at least for me, is the onset of spontaneous panic attacks. I had my worst one ever while driving in the car this evening, and I almost turned around and headed to the hospital. I was terrifying; it felt as though my entire central nervous system was completely shutting down. In the process, I was having hot and cold flashes that extended to my extremeties, and feeling extremely light headed. I will be glad in a couple weeks when my chemical levels balance themselves out again. Here is an excellent resource for mental health issues is you need to research something. I would not wish this on anyone, and I have the utmost respect for anyone with a mental illness, as well as his or her family. It has certainly caused a great deal of pain in mine.

I spoke to The Goddess this evening, who is a great source of support for me in dealing with this, and practically everything else. She has not been feeling well, either; the stress of our conversations with Ms. Crabtree have given her a migraine. She has missed two days of work, which means two days less from our wedding vacation. No one deserves this much power. In closing this entry, I say a prayer to the spirits for positive energy and strength for The Goddess, Ms. Crabtree, myself, and those we love and care about.

...Blessed Be