Epiphanies and Confessions....August 22, 1999

Epiphanies and Confessions....August 22, 1999

Today brought to the forefront an issue that has been festering in the back of my mind for a while now. As the situation involves self reflection, it has been an arduous task giving credence to that damn inner critic. He seems to have a mind of his own at the worst of times, and decided to speak for me in answering a discussion group question today. Nevertheless, when he finds his voice, it is usually an indication that I had better sit down and listen.

Aside from the noxious Diary-L, I belong to a couple of other discussion groups. One is Journary, moderated by my sister and myself. The other is Journal-L, formed of many of the same members of Diary-L but more intellectual, stimulating, and calm. Moderated by Al, he poses a question for journallers every morning so as to generate discussion. Today's question was:

In the way you portray yourself in your journal, what do you think DOESN'T come across as much as it should? What part of "you" is not as easily conveyed in your journal as you think is really there?--Al

I thought considerably about this question, trying to muzzle the screams of Mr. Inner Critic. He would not be denied. Stealing control of the hands poised above the keyboard, he typed:

How most of the time, I try not to take life too seriously.

He wrote, in his own words, what I had been thinking for a while now.

My journal writing has been much too serious.

Al seems to agree:

That indeed doesn't come out. Maybe---just maybe--it should?--Al

I do try to take life with a grain of salt. Sometimes, so much so that I should probably worry about my blood pressure. Indeed, most people that know me in real life often comment on how funny I am. Some of this comedy is mere sardonic wit. However, I do have a knack for seeing humour in even dire situations. Some have even suggested I take my act on the road. The Goddess is always relating to myself and others that no one has made her laugh like I.

While I have written about a couple comedic situations in my journal, I find I am focussing perhaps too much on politics, philosophy, depression, issues. These are not as predominant qualities in my personal relationships. I have reasons, though. Perhaps it is time I wrote about them.

When I started this journal a couple months ago, I was battling some nasty demons. I was in an unmedicated depression. I was petrified about my upcoming marriage. My finances were/are in a state of perpetual upheaval. I was dealing with difficult clients. I was at odds with my parents. I was at even greater odds with Quincy. I was using very unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the pain, serving merely to exacerbate the stress even more, and feed into my self esteem and body image issues. They were strategies that no one knows about, not even The Goddess. I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to act quickly. As anyone in the social work profession knows, we make the absolute worst clients. We are immune to the rhetoric.

I turned to my writing. I abandoned what was not working, and turned to one of the few things that I knew I wanted to pursue but was always too scared to. I am not sure why. I think part of it is not desiring to set myself up for disappointment. Did I mention that I am a perfectionist as well? It has a clinical side, and I am on the threshold. Thanks again, Mom.

Somehow, the writing alone was not enough. Mere pen and paper did not seem capable of repressing those fruitless coping skills. Hence, the inception of my online journal. The need to learn even basic HTML alone was enough to keep me occupied in all my spare moments. Now, it gives me something to look forward to everyday.

My journal has become my place to externalize, imprison, but alas, immotralize some of the darkness that burgeons in my soul. It has become a place to purge, to vent, to keep on keeping on with my cheery, sun shining real life disposition. For, at the risk of sounding angst ridden, my life fucking sucks a great deal of the time, and the state of the world is even worse. I do take these things seriously inside. It troubles me every single day. Most people, the younger spirits, are blind to it, or choose to ignore it. I, however, am not. Nor are most of the people I associate with.

Nevertheless, I am here, for reasons yet unclear, and I have the power to make this existence as pleasing or as miserable as I want it to be. It is not up to anyone else. I am choosing the pleasing route, but, sometimes regrettably, there have been many detours along the way. My journal is part of the right path, and in this vein, I see no reason why I cannot have "The Spiritual Journey - Light" a little more often. After all, the demons are not in control. I am.

....Blessed Be