"Tired of Shovelling"....February 22, 2000

"Tired of Shovelling"....February 22, 2000

Just Past Midnight...

...and this late eve finds me listening to Clannad's Landmarks. For anyone who is moved by Celtic music, I highly recommend their work. Perhaps in a near future entry, I will discuss some of my music favourites, but alas, not this evening. I am much too tired.

I ought to have my sorry carcass in bed.

I get tired of how tired I feel all the time as of late. I am certain the primary sources of this are emotional and mental stresses. It does not seem to matter how much sleep I get through the night, how many catnaps I can sneak during the day, or how light my schedule is on any given workday; I could sleep, sleep, and sleep some more.

And then have a nap afterwards.

Although I would like to, I think it is too easy to blame the medication.

The Goddess and I were reviewing how difficult the last few months have been on us. Overtly, the reasons for this were related to stress I was feeling about an upcoming meeting with an agency that contracts me. I was not told what the meeting was about, and as is typical, I assumed it was negative. Covertly, our processing was in light of a really nasty arguement we had on Sunday. I am still too terribly ashamed of my conduct to even begin to write about it, and since The Goddess is equally embarrassed, I'll skip the sorrid details.

But my how it made me even more tired. I ended up cancelling a full workload Monday as I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, and had a migraine to boot. Since this consequence is becoming all too frequent, and not just because of marital discord, today was a day for some review, and an exorcism of sorts of all the stresses that we have had to go through that have too conveniently been piled into the "settling in" category.

The Goddess' move, her undesired unemployment, financial issues, false accusations against me by a client, which were facilitated by the betrayal of a trusted friend, her OCD, my depression, my Mother's illnesses, my ill fated auto, dear Quincy, have all contributed to Herself and I becoming adversaries as opposed to allies. This is beyond the scope of what I would consider mere adjustment issues.

But I think we have found solid ground again, I think we have landed in our happy place.

It never ceases to amaze me, however, how such a barrage of "stuff" comes into one's life, at least into my life. It is never just one or two issues to deal with. It is always a whole shit load. After a few days or couple of weeks of relative peace, the truck backs into the yard again.

And alas, I have not fully rested from shovelling the last load.

But the good thing is, I guess, is that I have someone to help me shovel now. If only we could stop aiming for each other....

....Blessed Be...