"Celebrations"....February 6, 2000

"Celebrations"....February 6, 2000

Late Evening...

...and after a weekend repleate with celebration, I find myself breathing a weary sigh of satisfied exhaustion.

Festivities began last evening with a combined "thank you for helping create a sanctuary" and "welcome to Canada, Missy" party with friends Lowlandz, Rhiannon, Alyx, Missy, Freda, and Cara. Having consumed six bottles of wine and a case of twelve beer, I do not have to emphasize how great a time it was, at least for myself and The Goddess. Afterall, I cannot speak for anyone else.

Nevertheless, it was quite a bash, and one that was a long time coming for many reasons. Our friends put in so much work over the fall in helping make our house a home, and I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for it. A dinner party seems inadequate thanks enough. Also, I cannot remember the last time Lowlandz, Rhiannon, and The Goddess and me had a chance to socialize together in an adult atmosphere. The responsibility of parenthood understandably makes these times all too infrequent, and I am sure Low and Rhi agree. When The Goddess and I eventually have a little one, I am certain that the occassions will be more infrequent still. Regardless, it makes the time we can spend together sans the children even more valuable and memorable.

Yet spending time with Low, Rhi and their children, and indeed, Alyx and his, makes me long for the time when all our kids can play together. I see the joy in their eyes that their children bring them every second of the day. Sometimes I feel that their kids will be old enough to babysit mine before The Goddess and I get around to having any.

One of my longest standing clients, who I will call Cody, turned sixteen today. I have had the honour of being a part of Cody's live since before he was a teen, and now that he stands on the threshold of adulthood, hope that the honour will continue for years to come. To celebrate the auspicious event, The Goddess and I had him over for ice cream cake and presents. I gave him a semi-precious stone symbolizing brotherhood in the hopes that he always remembers that he has someone in his live that truly cares about his well being.

I have seen a great deal of personal growth in Cody over these past few years, and a lot yet still to do. He reminds me so very much of myself during adolescence, that he will always have a special place in my heart. Not only have we had similar issues to deal with, we also have responded to these issues in very much the same way, by shutting down, and ignoring our needs for the benefit of those around us.

I see this in a lot of men. We have sacrificed our own well being, particularly emotionally, for the sake of someone else. We find it so terribly difficult to assert our feelings because it had never been without a hefty price to pay. Eventually we convince ourselves that we are always alright, and lose the ability to tune into our inner voice telling us to get out.

Perhaps it is a fear of lonliness that makes us swallow our hearts. For Cody, who has been moved from one foster home to another every few months, this fear is most assuredly a reality. He has learned out of necessity to keep everything inside for fear of scaring yet one more set of foster parents away. For myself and others, who are grown men, that fear which once may have been part of our daily existence, is now only perceived. It is very scary to be left alone, to lose a lover, for only then are we forced to battle emotional demons who have been kept tightly caged for years. It is all too easy to find someone else in haste to help keep those demons at bay.

Yet, eventually, the consequences of not taking care of ourselves are far greater than those of asserting our feelings when it is necessary, regardless of how the people involved may react. Part of learning to pay attention to our emotional needs involves learning that we are not responsible for those of someone else.

I hope that I can teach Cody this when he is ready to learn. I pray that he knows deep down inside that he will never be alone. My stint at bachelorhood taught me this valuable lesson, and I am a better man for it. Yet, until Cody can see it for himself, whatever I say will fall on deaf ears.

And even though it took me a quarter of a century to learn this lesson, I am able to celebrate it today, along with everything else worth celebrating this weekend....

....Blessed Be...