"While You're Out I Need You To Get Me Some T*MP**S"....February 2, 2000
Midnight...
...ah yes, the phrase that strikes dread into even the most pro-feminist of men. I should have seen it coming a mile away after hearing the second most dreaded phrase earlier today:
"Honey", she said oh so nonchalantly, "my period started."
At least this puts last week into perspective.
My father calls it 'her miseries'. If it is anyone's 'miseries' it is mine.
And in light of the last week or so, let me be so bold as to suggest how brazen it is for The Goddess to make such a request upon my leaving for work this evening. But alas, for me to not pay heed is just asking for a lot more misery.
Let me backtrack just a bit.
It was a long, sole journey I took to finally meet The Goddess at the altar. While I was committed and in love, rest assured, I was also quite adjusted to my bachelorhood. I was somewhat content to be in a place all my own.
Let me call that place the Cave of Calm Serenity.
Don't get me wrong; I left that little space of my own free will. But in order to get to the altar, it was a bit of a trek. Upon exiting the Cave of Calm Serenity, whose secluded entrance is far into the placidly dense Forest of Freedom, I had to hike through said forest until I reached the Valley of Vindication. It is a small, yet deep valley, filled with many obstacles in it's own right such as thick thickets, tall, grassy fields, the occassional marsh, and narrow but deep streams. After crossing the Valley of Vindication, I found myself at the base of Mount Maddness. Luckily, I was not forced to scale the mountain completely; there is a treacherous, rocky path that goes about halfway up to a crossroads. One branch goes up to the summit, the other around to the other side and down to the Plains of Pity.
I took the easy way, and subsequently made it through the Plains of Pity rather rapidly lest my exhaustion get the best of me and I start feeling sorry for myself.
Across the Plains of Pity is the Raging River of Revenge. It is a vast body of water whose bottom has never been found. One usually needs help in order to get across safely, for many have suffered peril trying to cross alone.
Luckily for me, I had enough sense to pay for the ferry.
Across the River of Revenge is Wrath Way, a well cleared, gravel route to the County of Courtship, which was where my bethrothed awaited my arrival.
It was also the county I left with splendid haste after separating from my first wife.
I quite miss my days in the County of Courtship, where I was born and reared. So many children are born out of wedlock there that being a bastad is actually enviable.
I was not a bastard.
My parents were married, which was perhaps the greatest influence in my decision to marry as well. At least, it was the first time 'round. This second time was the result of blinding love.
Life in the County of Courtship centres primarily around the principle crop: grapes, both red and green. The yield is unprecedented due to the perfect climate conditions: almost always hot. In fact, dotting the landscape as far as the eye can see on either side of Wrath Way is nothing but acres upon acres of perfectly pristine parallel grapevine. It only stands to reason, therefore, that the County of Courtship's chief export is none other than...
...wine.
From bold, crimson Merlot to chilly, semi-transparent Blanc, the wines of my home county are world renowned.
Behind the production of the world famous wines are the men, who sweat and toil in the fields and wineries for most of their waking hours. The women of the County of Courtship take great pride in coordinating and executing wine parties like few from abroad could ever hope to see. Attendance by the menfolk at said extravaganza is relatively low, for their sheer exhaustion from working the crops prevents them from engaging in frivolities. Nevertheless, after cleaning, cooking, and tending to the wee, the women have little else to do than wine party plan and attend. The parties, therefore, are plentiful enough to ensure every man has the opportunity to attend at least once or twice a year.
Beyond the highly detailed planning and executing of the wine parties, what makes them so successful is the county's chief import: cheese. Since only the finest cheese will do, no cost is spared in procuring a vast array of cheeses from the neighbouring County of Chastise.
Chastise is also renowned for its Milk Maidens. Many menfolk can take pleasure in regaling the young with anecdotes of long past rendez-vous with Chastise's Milk Maidens. Indeed, in the glory days of my youth, I remember one Milk Maiden in particular whose lips...
...but I digress.
After the ceremony, The Goddess and I had plans to move to the Hamlet of Happy-Ever-After. We made it to the only intersection in the County of Courtship, and instead of turning down Lover's Lane, the only road to the Hamlet, she kept on going straight down Wrath Way. She decided, and I willingly agreed, that we would save our money and reside at my place for a while.
So off we went, hand in hand, down the Way, across the River, and through the Plains. Upon reaching the crossroads on Mount Maddness, something suddenly overcame The Goddess and she decided she wanted to take in the scenery. So instead of continuing on the route to the Valley of vindication, she kept going up the mountain.
I would have joined her on the Summit of Sanctimoniousness, but...
...there's only room for one.
I waited and waited in the Valley for her, but she never came.
The view must have been grand.
She did send messages regularly, though, either through echo or messenger when her voice started giving out.
Yesterday, she finally decided to come down from the summit and join me. We wasted no time crossing the Valley, hiking the Forest, and entering the Cave.
But it is still pretty damn audacious of her to ask me to buy her some t*mp**s so soon after our arrival at the Cave of Calm Serenity. Even more insane was that she added she "was doing me a favour having switched from p*ds, so as to avoid little accidents".
As if I had any inclination as to her preference.
As if I really wanted to know anyway.
Like I cared.
But knowing the consequences, I conceeded. I added that I would not be doing this every month, which is exactly what I said last month during my conjugal visit at the County.
Given the fact that I stopped into see Alyx after work this evening, I was forced to go to the convenience store to make such purchase. Thankfully, I needed smokes, too, so that I was not going to the counter with just a ten pack of super absorbent. Nevertheless, as luck would have it, the store was populated with some good old boys, and only good old boys, gathered around the counter drinking coffee, scratching, and gruffing over last weekend's Super Bowl.
It was not without a few stares that I walked up to the counter with my box of Platex. I am lucky to have made it out alive.
So let's take marital inventory: toenails, T*MP**S, and, like my Ma used to say, more tongue than a Mountie's boot.
I think it is my turn to take in the view from that summit.
....Blessed Be...
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