Ramblings....January 19, 2000

Ramblings....January 19, 2000

...Let me start off with an apology to any readers, especially on my notify list, that have not been able to access my January 15th entry. I decided to take it down for several reasons. The primary one is that until the situation on which I wrote dies a greatful death, it may rear it's ugly head yet again and take another bite out. I have felt these last few days that there is not much more to knaw on.

My birthday came and went in less than a blaze of glory. For this I am thankful. Besides not really wanting to celebrate getting another year older, I have not really felt much like celebrating anything period. It is just the head space I am in as of late. In light of the entry I took down, which my good friend, Alyx, had a chance to peek at before I removed it, I received a tremendously encouraging email from him. It deserved a debt of gratitude, especially given the fact that he has enough on his plate without having to provide an intervention for me.

One thing Alyx reminded me about was to be thankful for the things I have. It is assuredly something we all forget to do from time to time. This was in response to my having stated that I feel I am not where I want to be in life. I need to qualify this a bit. Every year I get older is another year I feel has been one of missed opportunities. There are a few things in life that I have desprately wanted to accomplish, but have not had the courage to do. Every time I have another birthday it is a reminder that time is short and precious, and that I have been wasting a good deal of it not persuing some things that are really important to me.

I do not know if I ever will, truth be known.

These last few days have been rather hellish in their own right. In the wake of a med change, a move, and major PMS, all of which were situations over which I bore a great deal of emotional turmoil, The Goddess has decided to quit smoking.

It has not been pretty.

This evening, after one of the cats broke a mirror (I am assuming), she decided to have a tantrum, followed by a cry, all in the midst of alternating between yelling at me and trying to enlist my help. After going through what we have gone through over the last month, I had had enough. I told her as much, followed by the fact that I do not think this is really working the way things have been. I am not sure myself what I meant by that, but I know it is not good from any direction. I just cannot ride the emotional rollercoaster with her. I cannot go through two or three good days followed by several where I cannot bring myself to communicate with her after an episode of really horrid treatment.

It is difficult to write about in a way that gives justice to how I am feeling.

Nevertheless, a couple of significant issues run through my mind as I type. One is that I cannot live in this situation, and want her to consider going back on her optimum level of medication. The consequence of this is that we cannot conceive a child. I would end up resenting her for that, because she knows how deeply I want to be a father.

Another option is counselling. There are no guarantees there as it is really about her brain misfiring, and not something that she really has any control over. If she did, things would have improved several long discussions ago. I know I cannot endure several months of this while we wait to have a child. I feel as though I am going insane.

Neither option looks good.

I am exhausted from thinking about it...

....Blessed Be...