August 19th
My quote of the day!
( Idea stolen from Tigerlily's page)
"Sent on a mission to find out just how much shit
one man can take" -- Soul Asylum "Draggin The Lake"
My thoughts.....
Well until about an hour ago, when my best bud called, i was having a horribly shitty day. I didn't want to deal with anything life was dealing me and i seriously was ready to freak out. I know that probably sounds trite, but i was just getting to the moment where i felt like i couldn't deal with anything anymore. Nothing seems to be going right for me, and everytime it starts to go okay, i notice and then it turns to shit again. I know i'm being pretty vague with my problems, i don't know why i feel like i should censor this as to not hurt anyone's feelings, cuz he's been doing a pretty good job of hurting mine. so maybe i'll elaborate....
this boy, and notice i say boy, has issues. now we all have issues, but some of us have learned to deal with them
in a way as to not hurt anyone. he, however, has not learned to do this. i've fallen in love with this boy,
and eventhough life would be so much simpler if i could just turn that love off, i can't. i've tried, believe me.
this all started during last semester, and we became so close that i completely trusted him...every word out of
his mouth was completely sincere as far as i was concerned. but i was wrong. he didn't love me, told me he did,
claimed i misinterpreted, misunderstood, etc. so i was pretty angry, hurt, bitter, weepy for awhile. but a few
weeks ago, i was at the point where i thought i could forgive him. there was one little bump in the road that turned
out to be nothing, but right then, i felt completely okay with things. then he came to visit. we had a really nice
time, and eventhough it ended badly, i felt okay with things. i found myself dwelling on my love for him again,
but it was okay. i could deal with it. but there were just a few things that were said that nite, that kept playing
over and over in my head. the whole screwed up situation from before had been based on the fact that i loved him
and he didn't love me. and just that fact had allowed me to accept that things wouldn't work btw us. so i dealt
with it. but then, during his visit...things got too close to the way they'd been during the semester, and we talked
about it. he said, among other things, that he wasn't ready for a relationship. he wasn't emotionally ready for
one, period. so i believed that. but now since that visit we've had a few conversations, and at one point he was
telling me about another girl that he likes. i know, you're thinking he's heartless, right? for putting me through
that, knowing how i feel? but i want to be his friend, i want to be there to listen to him...that's my choice.
so...he's telling me about this girl. how he liked her and she liked him, and he wanted to start something. now
granted the girl has decided to work things out with an ex or whatever, so they aren't getting into any sort of
relationship. but now i feel like he lied to me about not being ready for anything committed. if he could just
be honest with me, and i could completely believe him, then things would be fine. and i want to be friends with
him. besides all of the other stuff, we were great friends...and i don't want to lose that. but it's hard
to make the effort to work things out, when you still feel like you're being lied to. and i haven't gotten a chance
to say anything to him, cuz we haven't really talked...i guess he's busy or whatever, but i don't think i'll feel
any better until we do talk.
anyway...thanks for listening to me rant! :) g'nite all!