I wanted to update, honestly I did, but I felt unequal to the task of updating everyone on several months of events. In the recent past, I've been so stressed I couldn't eat, and my dreams have been eating away at me. I'd like to give you the smallest example, so you can, perhaps, understand my inability to really reach out lately.
We were in Nicaragua, visiting my best friend. She had an apartment in the city, away from the freedom fighters and death. Her apartment was lovely, full of velvet-covered furniture, all the rage in Latin America. I was staring at a globe made from semi-precious stones, thinking about the stone my best friend had.
The stone could make an exact copy of anything it touched, down to the genes, the electro-chemical processes; all the little things that make life. I'd made a copy of myself, accidentally. Walking into the room I'd been given, I looked at her (me), lying on the bed, propped against the headboard. Eyes closed, breathing rhythmically, she looked like she was sleeping. If I pulled one of her eyelids open, I knew the pupils would contract reflexively, but that would be the only reaction. She wouldn't wake. I wouldn't wake. Something essential was missing, some important part that wasn't biological, something beyond the meat-puppet body.
I wondered if that meant I had a soul. I wondered what the implications of having a soul were. I wondered if I could give this other me a soul.
Eventually, I wondered if she could experience orgasm. I wasn't certain if it was a conscious thing or if it merely required the correct stimulation. Would she moan? Would her leg muscles tighten reflexively? Would her eyelids slam open when the pleasure broke over her? She would taste like me; I knew she would. It would be like masturbating; except I'd be able to do things to her I couldn't do to myself. I wanted to hear her breath speed up in harmony with mine, wanted to hear our heartbeats in time.
In that instant before I woke up, I knew a sharp longing that I had no name for.
Fucked up, huh? There isn't a good way to describe that dream that doesn't make me feel vaguely as though the inside of my head should be bleached clean. I wish the dreams were the only disturbing things that'd happened in the time since I last updated.
Dirk mentioned in his recap entry that Aaron has a very large new girlfriend. I do believe that we'll actually refer to her as The Sarge, short for Sgt. Cellulite, her original nickname. Dirk might slip and refer to her as Tub-A-Guts, so be watchful if he writes any future entries.
Not being much of a sizeist, and being very aware of my shortcomings in the weight arena, I still look upon Aaron's choice of live-in g/f with a great deal of amusement. You understand, Aaron was always mocking my ex for his extra value-sized girlfriend, and Aaron would tell me that he would go for me if I lost 20lbs or so. So, imagine our surprise when Aaron brings home this little number. All you need to know is that she's so short that she could lose a hundred pounds and still be grossly obese. It's like there's three of her packed into one body. I have seen this girl naked (by walking in on her accidentally while she was dressing), and let me tell you: her stomach covers/overhangs her crotch completely. I don't like to picture sex.
So, knowing this, I am still not completely opposed to a relationship, sexual or platonic, with the grotesquely obese. I understand how feelings could develop, and once the feelings are there, the act of sex is the ultimate expression of love & trust, right? Well, Aaron brought this girl home the first night he met her, and fucked her. The mind reels at his ability to get it up for someone he previously would have thought was far below his level of attractiveness. I always said he shouldn't have such ridiculously high standards, but he seems to have thrown them away completely.
So, the Sarge has been living with us, basically, since the first night he brought her home. They also brought her dog over despite our numerous protests. The dog is extremely ugly, looking much like a Chihuahua crossed with a hyena. Living with the two of them has been an education in nausea and stupidity, because Aaron managed to find a chick even dumber than him, who supports him no matter what. I pray for their sterility every day.
The situation has not been without its compensations, however. The dog, which was always sort of snappy and unlovable, bit the Sarge in the face one day. She's got scars on her chin and her cheek, yet refuses to get rid of the dog. I told her that if the dog made any moves like that on me, I would slit its throat. She lost her job and laid around the apt for weeks, pissing Aaron off. The most amusing aspect of their relationship is the constant arguing. Really, they have little in common and are very incompatible. The only thing holding them together is stupidity and stubbornness. The Sarge threatens to leave him just about every week-end, and they fight almost every night.
Dirk has his own reasons for disliking the relationship, but I'll tell you my real reasons: it's a fucking creepshow. Aaron dug up this chick that he thinks is very much like me, yet falls so very short of the mark. He's made comments (I can detail them later, if you like) that show a great deal of bitterness about the fact that I'm dating his brother. Sometimes, when the Sarge has been bitchier than usual, I'll look up to see him staring at me in a burning way, and I end up looking away from that intensity. I'm ignoring it better now, but it drove me to distraction the first couple months they were together. I do not want to know what Aaron is thinking about me.
As for the Sarge herself, I like her okay. Really, if you meet me, I'm insanely easy to get along with. I'm infinitely adjustable. I hotly resent her presence in the apartment, but that's Aaron's fault. I also don't like the fact that she expects the system that we've had going for two years to shift just for her. Sometimes her voice grates on me, sometimes her attitudes make me wince. I recognize the fact that she's pretty controlling, and I don't predict a happy future for them. Mostly, I just want them both to move out and leave us in peace.
I took a college course, to see if I could get back into the groove of things. The conclusion I came up with is that I hotly resent any demands on my time made by studying that is imposed by anyone but myself. School is not my friend, but I got an A in my class.
I did a lot of work on my novel, re-vamping the concept and some of the major characters. I changed the location to somewhere I've actually been, and I've started the first draft of this incarnation. You'll still love me if I become a famous writer, right?
This is long enough right now. I'll update more tomorrow.
