I finally scanned something on my crippled old clone.
I finally got the Velvet Underground box set last night. I own a lot of box sets now, thanks to the cheapness of mail-order and the generosity of my boyfriend. Pandora's Box (Aerosmith); the Bruce Springsteen Box set; Jack Kerouac; and Velvet Underground. Funny, but I found the liner notes to someone else's Velvet Underground box set in the pile of stuff atop my scanner. Not sure if they want it back, don't have an address at any rate.
Alex is back, but I heard him telling his friend that he'd probably be leaving after lunch. When Claire asked him what was wrong with him, he said "allergies." When Claire pressed him, he said that he was allergic to air. Oh, if only that was possible. He'd be dead by now. Sharon suggested yesterday that he'd strained another muscle with his "extracurricular activities."
I've decided that I did Dirk a disservice in my analysis of our relationship yesterday. Dominance in a romantic relationship is simply more convoluted than that, outside the "Venus in Furs" set.
See, I've always assumed that in a good relationship, one partner is strong where the other is weak. One person is forward where the other is shy. In all truthfulness, I am a shy person. I don't like ordering things from fast-food restaurants. I don't like going up to the counter of any store to make a request. I'll do it, but I won't be happy about it. In most cases, Dirk will do these things for me, simply because it doesn't bother him. I, meanwhile, will stand on the sidelines chewing my lower lip.
The simple fact of the matter is that when I'm in an environment I'm comfortable with, I tend to be aggressive. Dirk still manages to hold his own, even though I tend to be controlling. I don't simply ignore him when he's angry at me, I get worried. And if he yells at me, I don't usually just cry. I get hysterical. I don't like being yelled at. For me, yelling is so rare that it usually is reserved for people I honestly dislike and would prefer to never talk to again. Hence, Dirk's reaction when I yell at him.
Emotionally, I'm the more dominant one. Practically speaking, he is. He is in charge of the band, and he makes the decisions about our plans. Dirk makes it clear when I've stepped over the lines of politeness, propriety, and his tolerance for my temper. And not by crying, either. Usually by A) telling me what I did wrong and/or B) yelling at me and/or C) refusing to speak to me until he's calmed down enough to be sure of not yelling at me.
I admit it, I'm not particularly skilled in the area of respect. My mother taught me that spitting on someone was a perfectly acceptable method of displaying anger. She also taught me that flicking them off and telling them to fuck off are ways of jokingly expressing anger. So I appreciate any guidance Dirk can give me.
I'm actually quite tired of people telling me how submissive he is. They have no way of judging, because they don't spend most of their time with him. The people who read this journal, for the most part, don't see him at all. And sometimes he's submissive to/around other people because they have fits when he shows any kind of backbone. They say that he has no right to make the statements that he does (which, by the way, are backed by some of the most renowned political writers of this century) because he doesn't go to college (like my mother), or that he takes me for granted when I sometimes pay for his meal (again, my mother).
College is overrated. It's great for the job world, but it's more than possible to gain more knowledge on your own than you would in a college setting. And just because the textbook says so doesn't mean it's true. Even I, with my lackadaisical attitude towards college, could point out discrepancies in my college history books and my psychology books.
Anyway, there's my rant for the day. If I get any incensed, reactionary e-mail about this rant, I'm going to fucking delete it, okay? Is that alright?
Alex is wandering around the office, hacking and blowing his nose. I wish he'd just quit faking. It's incredibly cold around here. I woke up at 2:15 this morning, because I was freezing.
(11:30 pm) Am I boring you people with my "petty" analysis of my relationship with Dirk? Do you think I've lost that certain something that made reading my stuff worthwhile? If so, just go away quietly, unlike the ignorant bitch who signed my guestbook.
Hi Jessica. Obviously, you're too much of a coward to leave an e-mail address so we can have this out in private. Assuming you aren't just a construct of someone who wishes he was important. Guess what, Jessica? I'm going to write about any topic I choose, because it's my journal. You're not doing me any favors by reading it. You don't like it, just go away. Don't show your stupidity.
(11:45 pm) Actually, strike that. I know who this bimbo is...the same one who was trashing Dirk in the guestbook before. The one who claimed to be from New York before. I should have known that no-one who reads this thing regularly would be that stupid and pointless. She's either imaginary (which is my vote), or she simply doesn't have much of a life. No, no, Jessica. Signing my guestbook with more insults and insisting that you are, in fact, real, will not prove a thing. You are a figment of somebody's imagination, so be gone.
I'm going to bed. I love you all.