When I make an assertion, such as "it's perfectly ok for men to cry," do I get any kind of support for this? Understanding e-mail, perhaps? Nooo....I get e-mail telling me that Dirk's practically a woman anyway, to judge from my journal. E-mail that says, "Hahaha. Yeah right, sure it's normal, just like pouring Nair on your cat is normal." Which, I'll grant you, are preferable to the ones saying, "Yeah, keep on pretending you have a boyfriend. We all know your evenings are really spent at home with a pint of Ben and Jerry's."
I guess my journal just doesn't attract those shiny, happy types. I have no idea why. I was kidding about wanting supportive e-mails, by the way. I never really know how to respond to those.
I actually thought about it, though. Dirk is the less dominant one in our relationship. That realization makes me feel bad. I'm just naturally meaner, I guess. And I've been trained by the best (my mother, for those of you not paying attention). But I feel a little queasy knowing that I'm the dominant one. A sense of deja-vu.
Why can't I be the less dominant one in a relationship? I try, dammit! Really, I try to be self-sacrificing and very much in tune with what the other person wants/needs. And I try to give way in arguments and keep quiet when I'm upset....but it never seems to work out that way. Some inner bitch takes hold and starts giving me quiet little directions. (Don't say you're sorry until he's sat there for a while...if you do it sooner, he's going to start taking you for granted.) And whenever I started getting self-sacrificing, the inner bitch would tell me, (God, you're getting as spineless as Krisco was).
Well, that was a sick little start to this entry.
This week-end was a joke. Katie, Dirk and I went out Friday. There was talk of her friend, Jake, joining us, but she couldn't contact him in time. Katie's ecstatic because Chris is coming back on Friday.
We talked to Jon at Border's for a while. I like Jon, honestly, but he radiates an aura of wholesome goodness that makes me nervous. He showed us a picture of his girlfriend, Anita, and I loaned him 60 cents. When we were getting ready to leave, he hugged me three times, in rapid succession, and gave me a nectarine. Katie kept trying to take the nectarine from me and eat it. Thanks to my superior combat skills (and the fact that she lost interest), I managed to get the nectarine home and take a couple pictures of it before I ate it.
Doshu showed up on time for practice on Saturday. Dirk managed to impress upon him the urgency we feel to get our shit together. Practice went well, aside from a little friction. Dirk had forgotten that I was going to Cathy's birthday thing, and got mad when he realized I wasn't going out with him after practice. He was also mad because I wanted to leave 10-15 minutes early.
I think Dirk put a curse on my evening out with "the girls". I talked to Nicole on Friday and found out about the change of plans. Jerri wasn't going to be there (to my infinite relief), and we weren't going to play pool. Instead we were going to see Payback, that movie with Mel Gibson. I'm sure the movie was chosen simply because he was in it.
We were supposed to meet in front of the movie theater at 7:40. I got there at 7:50, to find Cathy waiting for me. Apparently, Nicole had decided we were going to the 8:10 showing. She didn't let any of us know beforehand. Cathy and I were pissed. We got our tickets and couldn't find Nicole and her friend, Marissa, in the theater. So we sat somewhere off to the side. It wasn't until we found our seats that Nicole spotted us and waved...we weren't going to get up and move at that point.
The movie was alright, for an action flick with a girl who'd had a neck lift. Afterward, we went to Ruby's for dessert (I hadn't eaten dinner yet), and I got to make the acquaintance of Marissa.
Marissa was a gem. She looked like a squat, pudgy Lee-Ann Rimes (don't correct me. I don't care how her name is spelled), and she had a soft southern accent that reeked of stupidity. She spent the entire evening trying to prove that she was a Bad Girl. She'd gotten kicked out of Catholic School (not hard to do), and she was currently seeing a 40 year-old guy she referred to as her "sugar daddy". Apparently, this sucker gives Marissa up to a thousand dollars a week. Cathy delicately asked her how much money he gave her per "visit". Marissa's face turned a beautiful shade of crimson, while Cathy rushed on to explain that since she'd led such a sheltered life, she was merely curious. She hadn't intended to imply anything bad.
I love Cathy sometimes.
Then, Marissa was bragging about her knowledge of liquor, telling Cathy which brands were least likely to give her a hangover. After all, she said, she'd been drinking for a long time, so she should know. So, I asked her, "Really? What does a hangover feel like?"
Just as the superior smirk was crossing her face, I added, "Because it seems that no matter how cheap the liquor I drink, I just don't get hangovers." In your face, bitch.
Cathy and I were unimpressed.
There was other irritation besides Marissa to be had, though. First of all, everyone present except me was a non-smoker. So, I had to go to the bar to have a cigarette, after brushing off Nicole's attempted lecture. Then, Nicole insisted that Cathy order a drink, even though she'd driven herself to the mall and had zero tolerance for alcohol. Nicole then had the poor grace to be hurt when Cathy didn't finish her drink.
If Nicole wanted Cathy to drink, she should have driven Cathy to the mall. Poor planning all around. I think I'm going to have a fit if Nicole plans her own birthday thing as poorly.
Afterwards (the whole thing ended at 11:00), I went to visit Dirk at work. I'd spent the entire evening wishing he was there.
On Sunday, we went to Target, to get the beauty supplies I've been needing, then we went to Music and Arts. Dirk found these utterly gorgeous green picks there. The picks are in the shape of hearts. He got me about 15 of them because I liked them so much.
I got a copy of Carl Jung's book, "Dreams". It was only three dollars at the used book store, and I wanted something interesting to read during this week.
Alex is sick today. I hate it when he calls in sick.
I got into the office at 6:30 this morning. I'm dead tired.
(4:45 pm)They're still fucking up my pay. Today, I heard that the woman in charge of getting me my money had lost the amendment that was submitted over two weeks ago. She contacted my timekeeper and asked her if she could submit another amendment sheet, because she didn't feel like looking through all the stuff on her desk to find the original one. I need that money. I really, really need that money.
So I marched over there and told her she'd better look for that amendment, or I was going to have a few words with her supervisor. Honestly, some government workers make me sick.
My connection's having fits again. I don't need this kind of stress. Alex is going to be extraordinarily angry tomorrow. We got a huge stack of applications in the mail today, and Letisha and I only opened about 25 of them. We left the rest for him...imagine calling in sick on a Monday!