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The Difference in Procedures
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
THE BILL GATES CAR
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
* For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
* Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
* Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
* Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case, you would have to reinstall the engine.
* Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
* Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
* The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
* New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
* The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going.
* Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
* GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them or want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
* Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
* You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine!
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR US INTERNET JUNKIES
1. I will try to figure out what I need all 98 of those e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my spouse in the next room.
3. I resolve to work with neglected people -- ME.
4. I will answer the snail-mail as promptly as I do my e-mail.
5. I promise to stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages, file transfers and be on the phone all at once with the same person.
6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week... okay, monthly then ... or maybe...~ok, at least after it crashes.
7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the net. On February 29th.
8. When I hear a funny joke, away from the net, I will not say, "LOL ... LOL!"
9. I will read the manual ... when I can find it.
10. I will use a password other than "password".
11. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning ....unless I set the alarm.
12. I resolve to not click everywhere it says to click.
~~These were sent to me in my email...I changed a few.
out for more humor to
....
when released carry it to others.