 An elderly couple is having
an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th
wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks: "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression
he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The choir leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River." At school, a boy was
told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,
and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the
whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth". His mother quickly hands him $20 and says "just don't tell your father". Quite pleased the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth". The father promptly hands him $40 and says "Please don't say a word to your mother". Very pleased, the boy is on the way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying: "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says "Then come give your father a big hug"! This oke comes home
one night, motherless again. His wife says: "I'm absolutely gatvol of your
drinking! What will you do if you come home and find me in bed with another
man?"
"I'll break his walking stick and shoot his guide dog!" Koos and Piet were
invited to go duck-hunting. They were each given a retriever dog and dropped
off next to a huge dam at five o'clock in the morning.
By 5 o'clock that afternoon, the two exhausted hunters fell down in the shade of a mopanie tree, totally disillusioned. "Twelve hours," said Piet, "and not one single blerrie duck. I can't understand it.' "If you ask me," replied Koos, "I think we didn't throw the dogs up high enough!" Three engineering
students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer-just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer - the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections." The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?" Said Nellie to Mike:
"I'm sick and tired of these blerrie rats in the house."
Said Mike to Nellie: "Ja, me too. We must get some rat poison to put in their holes". Said Nellie: "Okay, but who's going to hold the rats?" Van der Merwe goes
to the top house of ill repute in Paris. He goes up to the Madam
and asks, "I want your best girl !!"
The Madam then calls her top girl, and the two of them go upstairs. Two minutes later the girl comes down the stairs screaming,"Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?" The Madam is absolutely astounded, as that this has never happened before, but nevertheless she sends up her second best girl. Two minutes later the girl also comes down the stairs screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?" The Madam is now intensely curious, since she has experienced everything and is totally unshockable, she then decides that SHE must go upstairs and service this client herself. Two minutes later the Madam also comes down the stairs screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?" Some guys sitting at the bar and ask her what the hell was going on. She replies, "He vants to pay me in Rands !!!" One Saturday night
Paul and Ben were living it up in the Commons, a local tavern, when Big
Bertha came in. At five-feet-four and two hundred seven pounds, she was
dressed in her finest tank top and had on her new flip-flops.
The Daisy Duke shorts she shouldn't have been wearing still had the stains of her afternoon work cleaning catfish over at the trailer park. Her hair hadn't been washed in a week or combed in three days. She chugged one pitcher of beer and then another, trying to get one of the boys to dance with her. After her third pitcher, she shouted to the house: "I'll go to bed with any man who can guess my weight." Smarty Paul called out, "Darlin', I'd say you weigh one hundred twelve pounds." "Close enough!" she said, "Let's go!" Naas late tackled
a burly Italian rugby forward during a big game in Italy.
The forward was dik de donner in and grabbed Nasie by the collar and shouted: "Hey, you come-a here to die?" "No," replied Nass. "I come-a here yesterdie!" Ebonics Defined:
Demote: What de king put around de castle. Despise: De persons who work for de CIA. Detention: What causes de stress. Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud. Dilate: When a person lives longer. Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle. Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt. A man comes home from
work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the
mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." A Chicago lawyer named
George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing
drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself ! " "I don't know, " George says, "What has your kid done?" A pretty young woman
visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small
waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the
upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over
the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor
strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination." The Kosovar comes
home to find his father in a wretched condition - all beaten up ... haggard
looking.
So the Kosovar asks his dad with great concern, "What happened ?" His father answers, "I was attacked, the house was looted, your mother was killed, and your sister was raped." The Kosovar reels back in shock. His father goes on, "But I blame YOU !" Confused, the Kosovar, asks why him ? His father answers, "Because YOU said we must move to Johannesburg." This guy rushes
into the bar, orders 7 straight shots of whiskey and downs them just as
fast as the bartender can pour them.
"Drinking kinda fast, aren't you, fella?" the bartender asks as he's pouring #7. "You'd drink fast, too, if you had what I have!" says the man. "What do you have?" asks the bartender. "Fifty cents," says the drunk. This is kinda funny....try
it!.
Proof of Bill Gates sense of humor...
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