A pregnant woman from the Bronx gets into a car accident and falls into
a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.Your brother came inand named them." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew. " A doctor is walking
down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes
Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly.
His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks
him about this.
"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band." "Aw, I just told her she was pregnant." "My God, is she?" "No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!" After many months
of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were
going to get any extra cash was to have the wife start hooking.
Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred dollars and ten cents. "That's great!" the husband replies. "But who gave you the ten cents?" "Everybody!" replied the wife. A priest a rabbi and a witchdoctor
are sitting together on a train. A fly
comes and lands on the priest who waves his arms and shoos it away. So, the fly lands on the Rabbi who shoos it toward the Witchdoctor. The Witchdoctor follows it with his eyes for a moment and suddenly reaches out grabs the fly in his fist and eats it. The other two look on with disgust but say nothing. When another fly comes near the priest he again shoos it away. Once again the fly comes to the rabbi, who with one quick motion reaches into the air, turns to the witchdoctor and says, "Want to buy a fly?" The priest was
preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." I think I am Overworked
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading friggin jokes. There were three women,
a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when she, the boss, left..... they would all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The redhead went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the brunette and the redhead are talking about going home early again. They ask the blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!" Sam and Bessie are
in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes.
Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes
home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow." Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? "Cause it's looking at my new shoes!!!!!" Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat." A man's walkin down
the road with a pig under his arm. Woman from the other direction stops,
holds her nose 'n says, "Whew! What a nasty smell. Where you
takin that ugly thing?"
Pig says, "Off to the county fair". A man lay sprawled across
three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed
this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one
seat."
The man mumbled but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager," he said. Again, the man just mumbled, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" Sam replied, "The balcony." An Australian travel writer
touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane
Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How!" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief. The manager of a large
office noticed a new man one day and told him to
come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..." A brunnette is standing
on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21"
A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" Suddenly, the brunnette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunnette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting "22" "22" "22" Overheard: "Heaven
is when you have: a British salary, an American home, Chinese food, a German
car and a South African wife. Hell is when you have: an American car, a
British wife, a Chinese home, German food and a South African salary."
Johnny Cochran was
duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into
a field to retrieve a duck he had shot.
A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck I just shot" he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "I don't know and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O. J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer "in Montana the only law we go by is the 'three kicks law.'" "Never heard of it." said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said Johnny. "Awww, forget it," said the farmer. "you can have the duck." An escaped convict
broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in
the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife said, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you're really cute." Two blondes, Carol
and Vickie, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the
sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror
and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
Vickie said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact. Vickie looked in the mirror and said, "You dumb sh*t, it's me!" A fireman is at the
station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little
boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the side.
He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?" The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister," says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!' The elderly man was
at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip
cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral!", she replied... Here is a brain teaser for you...let me know when you become frustrated and need an answer ). What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die? |