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 A completely inebriated
man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot
in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal.
You're obviously drunk"
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." A beautiful young
woman went into the hospital for a minor operation. On the day of her operation,
the nurses prepared her and wheeled her down to the operating theatre,
and left her lying outside on a trolley for a few minutes.
While she was lying there, a young man in a white coat came along, lifted her gown up, and began to examine her naked body. He then went away and consulted with another colleague in a white coat. They both returned and examined her again. A third colleague was called over, and he too began to examine her. By this time, the young lady was becoming quite frustrated at the long wait for her operation, and inquired from the white coated individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining me, but when is this bloody operation going to start?" "We haven't got a clue, luv," came the reply, "we're just the painters!" The town drunk is
wandering down the road and passes a real unhappy guy looking down at the
engine of his car.
"Wassamatter?" says the drunk. "Piston broke." "Me, too!" This woman goes into
a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells
the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a bluesuit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads." Have you guys heard
that Raggedy Ann got kicked out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinochio's face saying "Lie to me, Lie to me!!" A priest and a rabbi
operated a church and a synagogue across the street
from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. Two Polish guys were
taking their first train trip to Warsaw. A vendor came down the corridor
selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first
one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into
a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute." A man was walking
down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in
the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea." A guy walks into a bar and
sees a big jar crammed full of money, at least
$25,000 worth. He asks the bartender, "What's up with the jar?" The bartender replies, "It's the prize for the contest we're having." "Contest? What contest?" "First," the bartender says, pointing to the biggest guy in the place, "you have to go over there and lay him out with one punch. Then, down in the store room, there's a pit bull with a gold molar and you have to extract it. Finally, across the street is an 80-year-old lady who hasn't had an orgasm for 65 years... you need to give her one. Do all that and the money is yours!" "Okay," the guy says, "I can do that." He takes a deep breath and summons up all his strength. He goes over to the big guy who the bartender pointed out, takes a mighty swing and lays him out with just one punch. Feeling good, the guy then proceeds down to the store room. For the next half hour, all that can be heard is barking, screaming, growling, and intense shrieks of pain. At last, the guy returns, though somewhat bloodied and with his clothes torn to pieces. "Okay, now," says the guy, "where's that lady with the gold tooth?" An alkie was driving
down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he
heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-90. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car, there must be hundreds of them!" Dave works hard at
the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." TOP TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
Husseinfeld Mad About Everything Wheel of Fortune and Terror Achmed's Creek The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs Suddenly Sanctions
"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash.
"I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."
"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years." A preacher was watching
a man playing golf. When the man was putting
on the third hole, the ball rolled right by the cup when it should have gone in. "God dammit, missed again!" cried the golfer. The priest was shocked. "Don't say that," he exclaimed, "or God will punish you!" The golfer did fine until he was on the ninth hole, when the same thing happened again. "God dammit, missed again!" he yelled. "If you say that one more time, then God will punish you," the priest warned. The golfer lasted until the eighteenth hole, when he missed an easy putt for a third time. "God dammit, missed again!" he screamed. A huge bolt of lightning streaked out of the sky and hit the preacher. The golfer looked up at the sky, puzzled. Just then, he heard a deep voice coming from the sky and saying, "God dammit, missed again!" WHY DID THE CHICKEN
CROSS THE ROAD? ----------------------------------------To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. --------------------------------------------- Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. --------------------------------------------- The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. --------------------------------------------- Colonel Sanders: I missed one? --------------------------------------------- L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. --------------------------------------------- Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. --------------------------------------------- Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! --------------------------------------------- Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. --------------------------------------------- Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. --------------------------------------------- Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. --------------------------------------------- Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. --------------------------------------------- Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. --------------------------------------------- Saddam Hussein This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. --------------------------------------------- Ronald Reagan: What chicken? --------------------------------------------- Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. --------------------------------------------- Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? --------------------------------------------- Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. --------------------------------------------- Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. --------------------------------------------- Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book -- and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. --------------------------------------------- Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? --------------------------------------------- Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York. Once upon a time,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in
a pond.
The frog said to the princess: " I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we will marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined on frog legs in garlic butter, she laughed to herself and thought: "I don't f*cking think so!" The construction company
hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead
of showing up, he calls his boss.
"I'm sick," he says. The boss excuses him. The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability. The next Monday, he once again calls his boss and says: "I'm sick." The boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row. Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week. The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." The boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday." The man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long." "Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!" The man says, "I told you I was sick." A blind man is walking
down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his friggin ass." |
