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 An Irishman's been drinking
at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat
on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again." A man hasn't been
feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward
the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "...Nine ..." A South African, an
Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a
pint of beer. The South African grabs his beer, downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun on the bar and says: "In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice." The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims: "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand, which makes glass really cheap, so we too never drink out of the same glass twice." The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says: "In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same ones twice." Nominated for quote
of the year is the statement made by Congressman Dick Armey of Texas, who
when asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, responded:
"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?" Two cops come to the
lady's house, and tell her that they have bad news and good news for her.
She lets them in, and they sit in the living room.
The first cop says: "I'm sorry, but your husband drowned in a diving accident in Pujeot Sound yesterday." "Oh my God," she cries. And they try to comfort her...."We pulled him up this morning, and he had 3 crab and 2 lobster attached to him." "But we have good news too," says the second cop. "What can that be?" she asks. "Well, we're going to pull him up again tomorrow!!" A rancher needs a
bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money
from the bank. The banker, who lent the money, comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.". "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?". "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint." A man bumps into a
friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss and covered with leaves,
grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer." "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park." A guy walks into a
bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in
his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.
Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone implanted in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says: "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax." A new man is brought
into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time
resident who looks to be 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says: "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley! I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "So, what happened?" "Er... One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!" A guy came into a
bar one day and said to the bartender "Give me six double
vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back: "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..." Two prostitutes were
riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO
PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read.........."TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00." A lady goes to the
doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!" Snow White received
a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the
forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately
took the film into town to be developed.
"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk. He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!) After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor. "Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but they still had not returned! Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at the counter. The clerk, trying to console her said: "Don't worry, dear ... Someday your prints will come." A journalist assigned
to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.
Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly, . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall." |
