| . |
 A young executive
was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing
in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They're married. At an international
women's conference the topic for discussion was how to empower women in
the home.
The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said; "I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing, After the first day I saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing." The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights. The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said; " I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us." Again the conference applauded. Next came the South African delegate. It was Sannie from Boksburg. She said; "I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye." Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. If Men Could Get Pregnant
-- Maternity leave would last two years (with full pay) -- There would be a cure for stretch marks -- Natural childbirth would become obsolete -- Morning sickness would rank as the nation's 1 health problem -- All methods of birth control would be 100 percent effective -- Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained -- Men would be eager to talk about commitment -- They wouldn't think twins were so cute -- Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM -- Briefcases would be used as diaper bags -- Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes -- They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know; it has never happened. A Hebrew teacher stood
in front of his class and said: "The Jewish people
have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. Now what does it mean to you?" After a moment of silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does it mean?" "Well," David replied, "It means that the Jews had to go 1,063 years without Chinese food." Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow. There was a guy in
a bar that got really, really, really drunk one night. So drunk, he couldn't
see straight.
As he stumbled home, he saw a nun walking down the sidewalk. He staggered over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised and before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time, she fell over and then he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt and picked her up and threw her into the wall. By this stage, the nun was very badly beaten and could barely move. The drunken man stumbled over to her and put his face next to hers and said: "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?!!" Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions. The local bar was
so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered
a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the
juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could
squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?" The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent." You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin Ways to Prepare for
the Millennium Bug
-- Sell stock in Microsoft and AOL, invest everything in shotguns and bottled water. -- Move computer's clock ahead now to test for co^^^NO CARRIER -- Start writing an exquisitely obscene job-resignation letter. -- Stockpile semen to repopulate Earth in case post-Apocalypse chicks still won't have sex with you. -- Open checking accounts in dozens of different banks with no more than $20 in each, and wait for a windfall. -- Convert to Judaism, then begin worrying about the Y10K bug. -- Party like its 1899 -- Discard toasters made before 1995 because nobody likes bread toasted for 2 minutes and 100 years. -- Send Schwarzenegger back in time to bitch slap those lazy COBOL engineers. When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply 'Ours.' A Marine colonel on
his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and
thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's
even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "Not much, but I have about a hundred gallons and the folks are still siphoning." Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. A woman wants the
inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her.
They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants.
She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very
soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street." Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer. A young blonde was
on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either! Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. A confused 9-year-old
goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?" :)
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them.
Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. |
