Colin's Family Focus

Vickie was recently hired at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.   Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffeeshop worker quickly came over to take her order.
    "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Vickie asked.
    The coffeeshop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds,
then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
    "Oh good!" Vickie sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

For your information, the word you think of as profanity has been used by some very notable people throughout history. Here are some classic examples:

"What the **** was that?" - the Mayor of Hiroshima
"Look at all 'em ******* Indians" - General Custer
"Where the **** is the lifeboat" - Captain of the Titanic
"Who's going to ******* know?" - President Nixon
"Heads are going to ******* roll" - Anne Boleyn
"Let the ******* woman drive" - Commander of Shuttle Challenger
"I can smell ******* petrol" - Nikki Lauda
"What ******* map?" - Mark Thatcher
"Any ****** could understand that" - Albert Einstein
"It does ******* look like her" - Picasso
"How the **** did I work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want what on the ******* ceiling?!" - Michelangelo
"I don't suppose its ******* raining?" - Joan of Arc

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?"
    Watson pondered for a minute. "It tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. I observe that Saturn is in Leo. I deduce that
the time is approximately a quarter past three. I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Also, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some
bastard has stolen our tent."

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier
noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
    "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?"
    Smitty says, "I want to have sex."
    So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot brothel, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore. After a few minutes,
Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into
the room.
    There's Smitty, holding down the parrot prostitute and yanking out her colorful
feathers.
    Harry says, "Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"
    Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks, I want her nude."

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery store picking
out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
    "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
    "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
    But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
    About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The
grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
    "Oh, he died," the boy said.
    The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog had died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
    "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
    "Oh? What was it then?"
    "I think it was the spin cycle!"

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama
about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
    Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he
was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
    "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."
    "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
    "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to
play him."
    Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
    Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,
Arnold?"
    So Arnold says........(wait for it... ) "I'll be Bach."

The Library of Congress is now making Playboy magazine available in Braille -- The Braille Playboy. This is for all the teenage boys who went blind reading the original.

Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father
sees it and says: "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
    But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We
all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her
butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
    "Johnny, you don't do those kind of things to women".
    Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
    Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
    "But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying
our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in
the crack of her butt. Then Louie, who was sitting next to me, saw it and he
reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going slowly down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
    Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked
who was in the first one.
    "My wife," the man replied.
    "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"
    "My dog bit her and she died," came the response.
    Dave was taken aback.
    "And who's in the second hearse?"
    "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."
    Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"
    "Get in line."

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

A young boy approaches his mother and asks, "Why do women get married
in white..?"
    Mother replies, "Because they are angelic, virginal creatures and white is the colour of angels."
    The boy asks his dad the same question to which the father replies: "All
kitchen appliances come in white my son."

It is bad for women to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there.
He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
   He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
   Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one
is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
    The snail says, "What the f*ck was that all about?"

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
    There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood
he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat"
    "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
    "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
    One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on
a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
    They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a day and another and another.
    After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
    The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
    Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
    The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
    Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
    Tommy replies "No, father."
    The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
    Tommy replies "No."
    The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
    Tommy replies "No."
    The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
    Tommy replies "No, father."
    The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
    Tommy replies "No, father."
    The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
    Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."
    The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."
    Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
    "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If you love something, set it free.
    If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
    If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
    If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it
free in the first place, you either married it, or gave birth to it.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Many people are at a loss for words when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" After you read this, you will be able to handle that situation.
    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt is the fertilizer
magnate who married a distant cousin named O Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc.
    In turn, Jack married Noe Schitt. They had six children -- Holie, Fulla, Giva,
Bull, and the twins, Deep and Dip Schitt.
   After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Later, Noe married a Mr. Sherlock. Because the children from her marriage to Jack were going to live with the Sherlocks, Noe wanted to keep her earlier name. So from that point on, she was known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
    Sip Schitt married married his second cousin Loda Schitt, and they had a
son named Chick N. Schitt. Fulla Schitt married one of the Happens brothers
from the next town. Fulla didn't want to give up her family name when she
married, so she chose to use both with a hyphen. The Schitt-Happens children
are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
    Bull Schitt, the last of Jack's kids, left home to tour the world. He recently returned home from Europe with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
    Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can set them
straight!

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA
to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a
fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
    The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5, and visa-versa."
    Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
    The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!"
figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
    This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to
this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
     The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
    Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"
    The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
    After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Women: Remember, as you get older you no longer have hot flashes. You now have power surges.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
    The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search
I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
    The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister
...a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and
receives the same reply... Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
    Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man
of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
    The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
    The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell
me sex is work?"
     The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong in is mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
    The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious, Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
    "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your
upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I’ll use chrome."
    "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
    To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no
plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to
do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Open a new e-mail message
2) Hold down the shift key.
3) Hit the number 4 key four times.

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Updated: Monday, 01 March, 1999. Best Viewed with Netscape Navigator Webmaster: COLIN DEDRICKS (C) Copyright '97.