This started out as a list of tips for being 'Mainstream' punk, but I quickly realized it'd be more fun to write one about being a 'real' punk. Enjoy!

1. Nobody is as punk as you.
Radio, MTV, even CD's: they're for non-punk. Pop brats. Real punks only listen to albums on vinyl. If someone should turn on MTV in a punk's house, he has to burn his TV set. No real punk owns a radio. Above all, the bands everyone else likes are not punk rock. If they're signed to a label of any size, they're sellouts. You can bolster your own punk-ness by declaring that everything, from mustard to 'The Simpsons', is not punk rock. You get more 'punk points' for declaring obviosuly non-punk things, like quarters, to not be 'punk rock.'

2. Advertise how punk you are.
Make it a point to tell people how punk you are. If you can, get a sticker that says "Punk Rock is Not A Crime." Even better are patches that say "PUNK" with each letter in a different font. Plaster your guitar and amp (and, if you follow rule #1 above, your mouth) with stickers for bands. Remember, nobody will be able to know you're a punk unless you advertise!

3. Dress the part.
Leather jacket, a ripped silkscreen T-shirt of some band you heard once when they passed through town, and Converse All-Stars™ are essential to be punk rock. If you can't find Converse™ shoes, a ratty pair of boots will do. Don't wear a white t-shirt, suspenders, and Doc Martins, though: that's skinhead, not punk.

4. Act the part.
Randomly break things. Randomly shout out 'fuck the police!' to nobodys in p'ticulars. The goverment sucks, but not nearly as much as ultra-liberal 'hippies.' Only drink Yoo-Hoo. College is for wussies. Pot is for hippies. Drink until you puke.

5. Don't forget the mohawk.
Think of a mohawk as a delicate Basani tree. You must nurture, trim, and yes, love, your mohawk. Only the stickiest of chemicals will suffice for keeping it up. You might try honey. If it is any color even remotely resembling a hue found on animals in nature, it is not punk rock. Your mohawk would be ideal if it impeded your movement through doorways so you have to bend over to get through, threatening people who are standing around the doorway with being impaled.

6. And the piercings.
The more unnatural holes in your skin, the better. Ears are fine, but you aren't punk unless you have at least one nipple pierced. You get special bonus punk points for piercing your dainty regions.

7. Bitch about the scene.
Bitch about the fact that everything's corporate and nobody goes to shows, but rarely go to shows yourself. At the shows you do attend, yell at everybody who shows less than 118.9% enthusiasm. You get bonus points for being an asshole at all-ages venues and vanalizing property.

8. Other music sucks.
Classical, country, rap, reggae, folk? Not punk. If the tempo falls below 200 beats per minute, or the guitar is ever clean, or you can hear syncopation, or the kick drum falls on beats that are not one and three or the snare drum falls on beats that are not two and four, then it ain't punk rock. Period.

9. Only listen to esoteric music!
You only listen to music that nobody's heard of. In fact, you should make up your favorite bands, so that nobody else has heard of them! For the actual bands you enjoy, your only recordings of them should be 7" records or LPs.

10. Everything Hearkens Back to the Ramones (this is the only serious one)
"One-Two-Three-Four!" If it's punk, it should draw influnce from the Ramones, because they practically created the genre as we know. It was their crashing guitar, four-on-the-floor drums, bass-in-its-own-channel bass, and misfit lyrics that made them who they are. They made it okay to be an idiot, an outcast, or a lovestruck retard, or a seven-foot terror with sunglasses and mope of black hair. Rest in peace, Joey and Dee-Dee.

Do you have a problem with this essay? I am not surprised in the least. E-mail me at nirvanasongs@yahoo.com and tell me what you think. I will ignore streams of four-letter words.