ye olde facts deemed inane
Did you know that 97.8% of all apes have at least one sexual disorder in their lives?
Do you know that Bette Midler was once a milkman? In 1598, she requested a transfer from the King's Cavalry to milk deliveries in Colchester. This request was accepted and she lasted a day before a complaint argued that she had a steamy brown shit in the bottles of elderly residents.
I bet you didn't know that Paul Daniels was in fact a magician. His former wife, Janet Street Porter, suggested that Paul should quit his job as a 'Gay-chat' extra and become a magician. This firstly severely upset Paul, but he decided to quit his much loved profession and move on.
Constantly harassing Lulu is deemed a crime punishable by rectum removal in Honduras.
Daniel Gatley is a great fan of Mark Palin (SOURCE: Stephen Bartlett, Josh Aghanian)
Daniel Gatley also has no sexual organs. It is a sad story that spans back since his adoption from a screbby Chinese sweat-shop family.
Freelance orgies are not forbidden in the Foxall household. It was once rumoured that Lee slept with 2 cousins during a wild night of passion. This source was perhaps unreliable, but it can be true if you have a shocking imagination.
Christopher Speak was paid $3,000,000, a private jet and 3 blondes for his quote.
Did you know that Barbara Cartland is a leader of a facist cult. In 1987, Cartland was sadly fondled (sexually), by a skinhead. This made her very racist, and started to dictate her facist regime to old women. In 1996, she was sent to Broadmoor to serve a 6079 year sentence, in which she is share a cell with monkeys that have bums from failed experimentation.
It is a fact that Lee Foxall has a facial buttock.
Comedy superstar Les Dennis was once worked for 'Rent a Shag'. In his early days as a nasty nipple thief, he turned to self abuse to finance his 'Caron Keating' fan club addiction. Caron heard of this and instantly ambushed him at a Little Chef off the M5 near Bristol, with help from her Ecuadorian drug cartel.
Did you know that Sue Cook shagged Jason McAteer and Moira Stewart in barn.
Kevin Racey has boob-fumes (bigtitus alantitchmarchum). This rare exertion is rarely seen in humans (it is usually seen in ostriches). The smell becomes unbearable as living testis within a 7.5 mile radius become enlarged to the size of a horses head. The fumes create earlobe fractures that paralyse and burn. For the next 70 days, sufferers grow amazonian nasal hair that must be trimmed daily by Shredder (from the Turtles). If the person had survived, elbow discharge follows. Monthly, Nepalese villagers grow from the elbow, and become aggressive at birth.
In 1327, John was made. He was a simple chap, with no leg. He had a happy life in which he farmed bums. ''Give me a bag a bums, John'', would say Paul.
FEBRUARY 2000 EDITION
Stephen Bartlett is the leader of an extremist 'Allo 'Allo re-inactment society, along with co-partner Meryl Streep. This has been a long hobby for Stevie since his domestic with Paley Whaley. Severe as it may seem, Stephen chopped an ear off for Richard Gere.
Since he was shot in the kneecap by a lonely Norfolk farmer, Daniel Wilson became a Sue Cook impersonator for a career. His career advisor was a part-time Gordon Burns impressionist, so that's all the help Daniel needed. Naturally he went to Togo to participate in rare bum-burning ritual, a sort of initiation for all budding Sue Cook look-alikes/impersonators/Yvette Fielding.
He came out with a pink rash yesterday. Poor Pauline Quirke, all she wanted to do was front a band called 'Pauline and the Quirkes'. Sadly, the trombonist of the band Chevy Chase, has already copyrighted Pauline Quirke© and so Pauline had to change her name and sell a boob for The Big Fat Ugly Woman From The Russ Abbot Show™. However, this left the big fat ugly woman from the Russ Abbot show without a name. She moved to Qatar and changed her name to Sid®.
When seeing in the millenium, the old smelly gardener from Blue Peter got stuck in an arabic shit farm. She can now be located at www.thebonkingbarn.com.
MARCH 2000 BIRTHDAY EDITION
Ex-Man City superstar David White was arrested at dawn yesterday. PC Plod is planning on taking him to Courts to view their wide, and quite magnificent, array of untensil items. David was arrested for clinical head-butting of Hertfordshire farmers, for whom had 2 cocks.
Ricardo Patrese is planning a comeback to armpit-fart orgies. Ricardo was once the president of the organisation, which has Bradley Walsh as its messiah.
Did you know that the fat scouser from Surprise Surprise was also an extra in the 'Gay-Chat' adverts along with Paul Daniels. His wife, Harold, reacted by bonking Cilla until hair came from Cilla's earlobe infection.
Steve Ovett was once a lover of ex-Arsenal megastar Vince Bartram. Their sordid affair was discovered by a curious Chris Woods, whom at the time had an elbow rash.
Joshua Aghanian has a serious dislike towards Daniel Gatley. After he heard about Mr. Gatley's severe verbal assualt upon Mrs. Hatton, Joshua decided to head-butt Daniel in the groin and turn his back on him in disgust. Whether or not they will make up and become rampant shag-mates again is yet to be seen. Jim Bowen is confident however (as he is a close friend of Joshua Aghanian). He was recently quoted, along with Bully (the bull from Bullseye), that Josh is willing to forgive Daniel in return for a fadge rash.
APRIL 2000 EDITION
It is a well known fact that Danny Harper suffers from horrendous nipple discharge. This problem runs in the family, as they all suffer from it (including Oscar, their dog). "I tell them to scrub their genitalia vigorously with each other, so that their confidence is not affected. Danny has the worst case, as his discharge smells like Brian Clough sitting in his own filth", states family GP Timur Ketsbaia.
It is no coincidence that Sebastian Coe has a larger cock than Dion Dublin. Sebastian chopped off 3 foot of Dion's monster, so that it doesn't rival his own. Dion wasn't upset however. This is because during a clash with Gerald Sibon he had an erection, and the stiffy broke his neck. Now that Dion's codger only rises to a dismal 2 foot, he is rest-assured that his erections will never cause injury again.
Stephen Hawkings was given a lethal injection of Arsenic and Eldorado re-runs for pushing Christopher Reeve off a cliff (Richard) during a spastic abasailing day-out.
Dame Thora Hird was found decapitated in her modest 43 bedroom flat in Hemel Hempstead. Anneka Rice was the one who found her, along with her head in a binbag. The police (without Sting) named Anneka the main suspect, and sentenced her without reason or trial to life as a waitress in a remote motorway service station.
Anna Ford was caught yesterday performing the news with Nigel Mansells for legs, rudely ear farting, and having Peter Sissons having a sociable shit on Moira Stewart in the background.
MAY 2000 EDITION
Did you know that Richard Keys has the Amazon rainforest waxed off his back daily by a tag-team partnership of Kris Akabusi and Richard Briers? Local wax-merchant Tony Slattery adds, "Mr. Briers is a nice bloke, but that Akabusi is an annoying twat. Do you know that he killed my cat with his random violent arm movements that used to deface Cheryl Baker on Record Breakers?".
A riot broke out at the global Toby Anstis fare at Kuala Lumpur last month. The crowd were incensed at local dickhead Andy Peters' nudity. Andy is a naturist and thought that he'd go along and back-up pal Toby, but things went dramatically wrong. Firstly, blood-thirsty Malaisians demanded that Andy puts his cock away, and secondly that Gloria Hunniford table-dances at the local sex bar.
Cindy Crawford is to get engaged to David Perputuini. The happy couple announced the news after David fell out with Robert Page, recovering from severe personal problems, patching-up problems with his manager, and stating that Eddie Youds was a f**king queer.
JUNE 2000 EPISODE
Steve Guttenburg was yesterday sentenced to life on Police Academy TV serials which have all of the original characters replaced with American B-celebrities. We will not have long to wait, as it should hit the shores of the UK in late November, according to source Christopher Speak. Mr. Speak is a blatant publicist of all of the movies, as he directed a few of them. Mr Speak added, "I have nothing to say about that Guttenburg, yer fat cheese-eating cinder-monkeys."
Poor hygiene in the Pat Butcher household led to Pat having to have her nipples extinguished with Dettox. David Bellamy's beard was soaked in Britain's favourite disinfectant, which was then roughly embedded into Pat's clevage. They got too horny. Wild, excruciating bonking followed, until one of Pat's shower-curtain earrings got caught on David's arm - which came off with a swift tug. He bled to death in unbelievable agony as Pat brightly decided to put a dab of Dettox onto the open wound.