Never Lonely Again
Author's note: Clay owns himself and his own name. I only wrote the words
to the story.
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Early January 2004
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Clay’s place in Los
Angeles, California
Clay grinned eagerly as soon as Kate signed on to her instant messenger. He hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to her since just before Christmas, and he had missed their chats. He also had a few things to talk about with her as well. Might as well get started…
prideofaslan78: How are you doing
this evening?
frauleinkirche:
Freezing my hind end off. You?
Clay blinked at her words and burst into laughter. Kate had to be one of the quirkiest people he knew… and he found it terribly refreshing.
prideofaslan78: Laughing my hind
end off, thanks to your response.
frauleinkirche: You
mean that you would laugh at my discomfort?
prideofaslan78: No, I’m laughing
at the way you’ve chosen to express yourself.
frauleinkirche: Okay,
I’ll give you that one.
prideofaslan78: Thank you.
frauleinkirche: You
do realize that your Christmas gift is way too extravagant for me to
accept.
Frowning thoughtfully, Clay puzzled over her words. He found nothing wrong with what he had given her, as his own family had received bigger gifts yet.
prideofaslan78: What do you mean?
frauleinkirche: I
warned you not to even think about getting me a web cam, and you went and
bought a fancy-schmancy video camera!
prideofaslan78: If I can’t spend
my money on my friends and family, who am I going to spend it on?
frauleinkirche: I dunno, mission work, starving children in
prideofaslan78: I do some of that
too.
frauleinkirche: Good
call. I still can’t except
the gift.
prideofaslan78: You try to send it
back, I’ll refuse it.
frauleinkirche: How
will you know that it’s that and not something else in the box? Maybe I decided to send you a toaster or
something.
prideofaslan78: I’m a mind-reader.
frauleinkirche: Nice
try, Pinocchio, I know better.
prideofaslan78: It was worth the
try.
frauleinkirche: Any
many more tries like that one, and I’ll have to get out Dad’s hip-waders before
it gets too deep in here.
prideofaslan78: Ouch.
frauleinkirche: Whazza matter, truth hurt?
prideofaslan78: Now you’re getting
personal.
frauleinkirche: Okay,
I’ll quit. But I’m still returning it to
you.
prideofaslan78: And I’ll send it
right back to you. A gift is a gift.
frauleinkirche: And
it’s too extravagant!
prideofaslan78: Use it when Drew
and his family get back home.
frauleinkirche: Drew
has a camcorder of his own!
prideofaslan78: Alright, use it in
frauleinkirche: I beg
your pardon?
prideofaslan78: I said, use it in
frauleinkirche: What
do you mean?
prideofaslan78: That’s right, you
don’t know yet.
frauleinkirche: Don’t
know what yet?
prideofaslan78: They’re going to
start releasing the concert dates for the Independent Tour that I’m doing with
Kelly Clarkson this spring. One of them
is in
frauleinkirche: Oh!
prideofaslan78: I’d really like
you to come.
frauleinkirche: Let
me know when, and I’ll do my best to make plans for attending it… that way I
can line up a sub and everything.
prideofaslan78: It will be March
24, a Wednesday night.
frauleinkirche: Guess
I won’t need a sub, that’s Spring Break.
prideofaslan78: I know, that’s one reason I pushed for that week.
frauleinkirche: You
realize that’s the week that Drew and Holly are coming, don’t you?
prideofaslan78: I remembered. I’m okay if you bring guests.
frauleinkirche: If
you really are okay with it, then I probably will. I already know Sarah won’t be able to come,
she has training that week. But I could
certainly see if Holly’s willing to have a little sis bonding time, get away
from the kids and give them Dad bonding time.
prideofaslan78: There you go.
frauleinkirche: I’ll
see if Mom wants to come too, make it a family night.
prideofaslan78: Three Kirche women against one Aiken man. I’m not so sure about those odds.
frauleinkirche:
Surely you’re not afraid of little ol’ me…
prideofaslan78: Absolutely not.
frauleinkirche:
Besides, it’s not like we’ll actually get the chance to talk to you personally.
prideofaslan78: You will if I make
it happen.
frauleinkirche: What?
prideofaslan78: I want to meet
you, Kate. You’re my friend.
A few minutes too many passed without a response. Clay bit his lip. Had he said the wrong thing? Had he said too much too soon?
prideofaslan78: Kate?
frauleinkirche: I’m
still here. I’m just a little shocked.
prideofaslan78: Why?
frauleinkirche: I see
how special you are, and how special I’m not.
prideofaslan78: I thought we
discussed this.
frauleinkirche: And I
thought we came away from that discussion without a consensus.
prideofaslan78: I was hoping you’d
forget that part and eventually come around to admitting that I was right.
frauleinkirche: Not
about that subject!
prideofaslan78: Well you certainly
aren’t right about it! I know what I see
in you!
frauleinkirche: And I
know what I see in me. Now there are a
lot of things I do think you’re right on, but my “specialness” versus
“ordinariness” is not one of them.
prideofaslan78: You also think
you’re ugly too, but won’t let me see a picture to offer an opinion one way or
the other.
frauleinkirche:
That’s because I don’t want to traumatize you.
prideofaslan78: You won’t.
frauleinkirche: There
were guys in school who would occasionally pretend, when I turned around to look
at them, that they were repulsed or turning to stone or whatever.
prideofaslan78: That’s mean and
cruel, and they were wrong.
frauleinkirche: You
wouldn’t know, you haven’t seen what I look like.
prideofaslan78: That’s right. Why don’t you risk it and find out?
frauleinkirche: You
just want to see what I look like.
prideofaslan78: That’s right.
frauleinkirche: Men.
prideofaslan78: Women.
frauleinkirche: I’ve
already told you I’m not a normal woman.
prideofaslan78: I’ve already told
you I’m not a normal man.
frauleinkirche: As
far as I’m concerned, that’s not a bad thing.
prideofaslan78: Neither is it for
you.
prideofaslan78: If I were a
betting man, I’d be willing to bet that you’re every bit as beautiful as I
suspect you are.
frauleinkirche: Now
that one’s in MY dreams.
prideofaslan78: You surprise me, I
thought you were the kind of person who prefers inner beauty over outer.
frauleinkirche: I do,
but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be beautiful outside too. It is a weakness women have, that we want to
be physically beautiful and attractive to the men we care about.
prideofaslan78: Ah, I think I see
now. So if you could pick one or the
other, not both, would you rather be beautiful inside or outside?
frauleinkirche:
Inside, of course! Flowers fade and die,
and so does outer beauty with time.
Inner beauty and strength GROWS with
time, and has a way of affecting the growth of the inner beauty of others.
prideofaslan78: Nice call. I agree with you completely.
frauleinkirche: I’ve
known too many people who were gorgeous outside, but inside were shallow and
cruel and thought they were better than everyone else.
prideofaslan78: Me too.
prideofaslan78: Now I see why you
understand me so well. You lived through
so many similar things.
frauleinkirche: Oh
yeah, I completely identify with a lot of your experiences. Not all, of course, but a lot.
prideofaslan78: I’m sorry that you
went through some of them, but I’m thankful to find a friend that I can relate
to on that level.
frauleinkirche: Me
too.
frauleinkirche: I’m
still sending the camcorder back to you.
prideofaslan78: Bounces off of me,
sticks to you.
frauleinkirche: Oh,
horse feathers, you’re impossible!
As soon as the words flashed on the screen, Clay stared at them. He blinked and stared some more, unable to believe what he was seeing. Finally he couldn’t stand it and broke into uncontrollable laughter. Tears streaming down his face, he raised his hands back to the keys.
prideofaslan78: Where in the world
did you get that saying??
frauleinkirche: I
grew up with it. Why?
prideofaslan78: I’ve never heard
that in my life.
frauleinkirche: I’ve
heard it all of mine.
prideofaslan78: Well, I’ve never
heard it until now. I’m laughing so much
that my stomach’s starting to hurt, and it’s all your
fault.
frauleinkirche: MY
fault???
prideofaslan78: Yep, your
fault. Deal with it, sweetheart.
frauleinkirche: Men…
impossible creatures. I think instead of
marrying, I’m going to get a guppy.
prideofaslan78: I bet I kiss
better.
frauleinkirche:
Whatever.
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Monday, March 22, 2004
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Evening at the
Kate pressed her face gently onto the top of her niece Alyssa’s head, basking in the ultra-soft feel of her fine, blonde head. She rarely had the opportunity to spend much time with children this young, so she was savoring every moment she had with her niece now. The child nuzzled closer, gleaning comfort from her warm embrace. Alyssa had hardly left Kate’s side since they arrived at the hospital, which was a welcome help to the child’s parents. Andrew and Holly stood several feet away, quizzing the doctor for answers Kate was fearful they wouldn’t want to hear.
At that moment Sarah rushed into the waiting room, still wearing her work clothes and carrying her attaché case. “Sorry I’m late, everyone. This was the soonest I could escape.” She glanced over at Patricia. “Thanks for the text, Mom.”
Patricia nodded. “You’re welcome, Sarah, and of course we would tell you. You’re like another daughter to us, so you get included on family news.”
Sarah flopped down in the chair next to Kate without pretense. “I appreciate that. So now that I’m here, could you bring me up to speed?”
“Of course,” Patricia answered, beginning the story quietly so as not to disturb the nearby consultation with the doctor.
Listening silently as her mother told the tale, Kate felt the frightful moment replay itself in her mind as if it was happening in front of her all over again. Her family had decided to kill the time until Sarah got home from her training with their usual pastime of cards. Holly had set daughter Alyssa and toddler son Alex down for a nap before joining the others in the dining room. They played several rounds of blackjack, pitch, and other card games for quite some time.
Just at the opening of a hand of blackjack, Kate acted on a crazy whim to fold her cards without looking at them in order to check on the kids. At the time she dismissed it as nothing but her incorrigible desire to steal every possible moment with them… but quickly learned otherwise when she had reached into the crib and found her nephew burning to the touch and struggling for breath. Immediately she hollered her findings out to the others in the kitchen, and help came running. After a thermometer determined a frightening fever, Arthur phoned the hospital to warn them they were coming, Patricia quietly snuck groggy Alyssa out of the room, and Kate assisted Andrew and Holly with cool washcloths in hopes of driving the fever down. Arthur drove the toddler and his parents to the local hospital as Patricia and Kate remained to take care of little Alyssa before they joined the others. Although neither had said it aloud, the two ladies agreed there was one thing Kate needed to do before they left the house.
Chris,
We need prayers badly
if you can spare them, my friend. Something
horrible has happened to little Alex, his temp was in the stratosphere when I
checked on him a little bit ago. It
scared the daylights out of me and I haven’t stopped shaking yet. We probably won’t know what’s wrong with him
until we get to the hospital.
I am sorry for both of
our sakes as I really wanted to see you, but under the circumstances Holly and
I may not be able to join you in
If it looks like we’re
going to have to cancel on you, I will try to get in touch with a couple of my
students who are known Clayfans and give them the
tickets to use. If they’re able to go,
I’m going to feed them the lie that I won them in some contest I don’t remember
entering. I want you to know about what
I plan to tell them so you can play along.
I’d tell you to “break
a leg”, but you’ll understand why if I don’t.
I wish you the best regardless.
Kate
Kate had immediately felt the disappointment after sending Clay her regrets, but she wasn’t about to change her mind. Andrew and his family needed her here, and she wasn’t about to leave them right now. Patricia clearly understood Kate’s decision and approved. “You’ll have another chance,” she reassured her as the two whisked the little girl to their waiting vehicle for the drive to the hospital.
Sarah pursed her lips and heaved a deep sigh. “You guys all did the best you could,” she encouraged. “Not a one of you panicked, you each picked a task and did what you had to do. We can only trust God to handle the rest. I only wish I could have been there.”
“And what,” Patricia asked gently, “could you have done that we weren’t already doing?”
Kate glanced at Sarah’s frown and knew that she couldn’t think of anything either. But that probably did nothing to diminish her Superwoman complex. You don’t have to save the world, Sarah, Kate reflected, especially not after it’s already been done.
The three ladies and Arthur looked up as the two young parents rejoined them, both pale and clearly still frightened at recent events. “How’s the little man doing?” Arthur asked with gentle concern.
“We’ve got good news, bad news, some more good news, and some we’re-hoping-it’s-not-bad news,” Andrew shuddered. “The first good news is that Alex is alive.”
“Well, that’s a good start,” Arthur replied as the others reacted with visible relief.
“Praise God,” Patricia breathed.
“Yeah. No kidding.” Andrew looked directly at Kate, who was still cradling Alyssa in her lap. “Sis… I probably owe you my son’s life. Thank you just doesn’t cover it.”
“You’d do the same in a heartbeat, bro,” Kate shook her head. “Just pay it forward.”
“I plan to. The bad news,” Andrew continued, “is that they have no idea what’s wrong.”
Sarah frowned. “That’s definitely not good.”
“Yeah,” Andrew acknowledged, “but unfortunately not uncommon, and not surprising after we came from living in a foreign country for the last several years. Who knows what he could have picked up over there and it wouldn’t have shown up until now.” He scowled. “I’m hoping it’s nothing that would put us all on quarantine status, but we have to consider that.”
Kate stifled a deep sigh. So much for hoping this would be over quickly and that we could still make the concert…
“That certainly isn’t good news,” Patricia agreed. “But you said there was some other good news?”
Andrew gave the ghost of his usual grin. “They threw a broad-spectrum antibiotic at him, and even though they still have no idea what’s wrong, it’s working. The fever’s going down and he’s breathing normally again. As far as I’m concerned, that’s worth their pay right there – they can figure out what happened once he’s better.”
Arthur nodded his own agreement. “What’s the other news?”
Andrew and Holly shared a look and a deep sigh with each other before finishing. “Although they’ve stabilized him, he’s not out of the woods yet. They’re worried about whatever complications that can come from whatever they’re trying to determine it is. Not saying he’ll have any complications, but right now while they don’t know what they’re dealing with, they’re kinda paranoid.”
The face of every other person in the room paled at the news. They truly were dealing with the unknown; anything could be possible at this point. “All we can do,” Patricia whispered, looking up at Andrew, “for right now then is pray, and be here for you.”
Andrew nodded, his lower lip trembling. “Thanks, Mom. Appreciate that.”
“Kate,” Holly glanced at her, eyes pleading. “I know you had planned some sort of sister bonding time for us this week, but I hope you understand if I have to take a rain check.”
Kate returned a tight-lipped smile. “I do indeed… and have already cancelled our plans.”
“I promise,” Holly began, “I’ll try to make it up to you somehow.”
Slowly Kate shook her head. “You can’t make up for something that wasn’t your fault and was out of your control… but I appreciate your intent.” In spite of the fact that missing the opportunity to see and meet Clay still discouraged her, she smiled again when her sister-in-law mouthed a thank-you.
Sarah’s head turned sharply as she stared at her roommate. “You’ve told…?”
“I emailed him before we arrived,” Kate whispered back to Sarah. “I’m sure he’ll understand. I know he’ll understand, that’s the way he is.”
“I meant Holly.”
“No, she doesn’t know what our plans were yet.” Kate shrugged. “I hadn’t figured out yet how to tell her the plans without telling her everything. Looks like I don’t have to at this point.”
“Right. But when will you get another chance?” Sarah asked. “This was more about you and him. Holly was just going along for the ride, and one heckuva a ride at that.”
“I don’t know when I’ll get another chance,” Kate confessed weakly. “All I know is that I need to be here for my family.”
Sarah nodded, a look of pride glistening in her eyes. “You’re right; that, he’ll understand.”
“Besides,” Kate drawled, “if they decide what Alex has is something to be quarantined, it would be a darned inconvenience to have Holly or me halfway across the state infecting hundreds at a concert. I certainly wouldn’t want to infect him.”
“Point to your side…”
Kate pondered the developments thoughtfully in the waiting
room with the others when she slowly became aware of a strange sensation. She sat still for several moments, trying to
determine what it was. After a bit more
reflecting, Kate decided that she was feeling someone’s prayers. That in itself
didn’t shock her, she had felt her mother’s prayers before and had heard
stories of other people feeling prayers made on their behalf. What surprised her was the firm conviction of
their source – Clay. She couldn’t offer
any logical, reasonable explanation why, but she was one hundred percent
convinced that it was Clay offering up the prayers for her family. How is
it, dear Papa God, Kate offered up a prayer of her own, that you have blessed me so outrageously
with the wonderful friendship of this amazing brother in Christ?
They sat with the young couple for a while before heading back to the farmhouse. At the doctor’s urging even Andrew and Holly returned, as the toddler had stabilized and there was little that could be done until they got back the results of the tests. If something more did happen, they would call them there.
“Kate, if you want to check your email,” Patricia suggested as Kate headed back towards the room where she was sleeping for the week, “you can use my computer.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Kate responded, knowing that the two of them were secretly hoping for word from Clay. Quietly she entered the room where her mother kept the family computer and woke it from sleep mode. She quickly pulled up a browser and navigated to her email, entering her information and waiting for it to log in. As she suspected, there was a new message waiting there for her. She clicked it open.
Kate,
Of course you were
frightened. Who wouldn’t be? And of course you want to stay with your
brother and his family. I too am
disappointed that things may have fallen through, but they need you there worse
than I need you here. We will find
another time to get together when events are less dire.
I will be watching for
your students and will try to give them an enjoyable time. While I’d love to quiz them about you and
what you’re like as a teacher, I’d better not for the sake of your safety. You came up with a very plausible excuse for
having the tickets and passes, one that I should have no problems keeping
going. I have to complement you for fast
thinking under duress.
I am also giving you
my cell phone number below. Please keep
me updated on little Alex’s progress so that I know what his prayer needs are. I shot one up tonight, but I doubt He’ll be
too impressed by how generic it was. I
will certainly continue praying for his parents, as they are doubtless shaken
by everything, and for you and your parents as well.
There for you as you
are there for me,
Chris
The tears once more trickled down Kate’s cheek at reading his words… they seemed to have that effect on her, though it was usually good tears they brought. She immediately began a response that she sent quickly before crashing for a restless night of little sleep.
Chris,
Good news, they’ve
stabilized him. The only problem is that
they still don’t know what they’re fighting yet. Depending on what it is, the whole family
might find themselves in quarantine!
Let’s hope that it’s nothing that dire.
I really don’t want to have to arrange a long-term sub for that.
I will be getting in
contact with my students first thing tomorrow morning. Expect them in my place.
Thank you for being
such a fantastic friend. Somehow I don’t
think that God found anything wrong with your prayers at all. I am indebted to you, my brother in Christ.
Kate
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
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On Clay’s tour bus
after the
Clay heaved an abnormally deep sigh as soon as he moved out of sight of the crowds waving off his tour bus. He didn’t remember ever being this tired. Then again, he wasn’t just tired… he was seriously weary and drained, not just physically but emotionally. And the one person he wanted to talk to the most right now wasn’t there. It’s not her fault and you know it, Aiken… Clay frowned, fighting back unexpected tears. There had been events that made him wonder that she really didn’t want to meet him and had conveniently concocted an excuse. Not that he blamed her. Yet something in his heart insisted that their friendship was very much intact. Clay rubbed his face. His head hurt, and he desperately wanted to crawl into his bed and fall into the blissful oblivion of dream-free sleep.
A concerned whine by
Quickly and silently Clay hooked up a wireless device to his
computer and opened a connection as
prideofaslan78: So do I need a gas
mask and gloves to talk to you?
frauleinkirche: Brat.
A weak smile crept across Clay’s face. Even this play insult was a first step towards normalcy. He would take it… but would hope for more.
prideofaslan78: Always. Seriously, what’s the news?
frauleinkirche: I
have a
This time Clay couldn’t help but smile. The news that Kate’s little nephew would be fine was welcome balm for what he had been through today.
prideofaslan78: That’s GREAT news!
frauleinkirche: It
is. I only wish they would have decided
it before this afternoon.
prideofaslan78: Too late to come
see me, I notice.
frauleinkirche: Yeah…
blast them. Of course even if they had cleared us Tuesday, Alex wasn’t
strong enough that I would have been comfortable about the idea of leaving Drew
and the others, and none of them would have come with me anyway. I’m not even going to bother pretending to be
happy about what-all’s happened this week. You’d see through that in a moment.
Kate’s fire cheered him – she had wanted to see him. At one of his low points during the afternoon, he had wondered if she had made the whole thing up just to get out of the whole deal. While she seemed comfortable in this setting, Clay could tell in their conversations the last two months that she seemed nervous about the idea of meeting him in person. He had asked her once or twice, and both times she had dodged the subject at lightning speed. After that he didn’t ask again, making him debate whether or not it had been a good idea. He would give her time.
prideofaslan78: We’ll get another
opportunity to meet, Kate. I don’t know
when since I don’t have all that much control of my touring schedule, but the
next opportunity I have to come even remotely close I’ll tell you about it.
frauleinkirche: I
appreciate that.
prideofaslan78: Otherwise, how’s
your family doing?
frauleinkirche:
Grousing a bit over a nearly-shot vacation, but at least we got to spend the
time together.
prideofaslan78: So there’s
actually a silver lining in all those gray clouds.
frauleinkirche:
Actually… there may be another. I’m
hoping and praying, and so are Sarah and my parents.
More good news? This was exactly what Clay needed. He sat up a little bit straighter,
prideofaslan78: What? I’m all ears, if you can tell me.
frauleinkirche: It’s
Drew. This whole mess really shook him,
and we’re hoping that God will finally have the opportunity to break through
that thick, stubborn head of his.
prideofaslan78: I’m all for that.
frauleinkirche: My
parents would be so thrilled to see him return to the faith yet during their
lives.
prideofaslan78: That would be
Christmas, birthday, and anniversary present rolled up in one.
frauleinkirche: For
years to come.
prideofaslan78: I’ll just keep on
praying for him.
frauleinkirche: It’s
appreciated more than you’ll ever know.
Clay fidgeted. The events of the day were still weighing on his mind. He needed to talk… yet he didn’t know how much he wanted to talk about what. Unsure what results were going to come forth, he started to type again.
prideofaslan78: Kate, do you
believe it’s possible to feel when someone specific is praying for you?
frauleinkirche:
Absolutely I do. If God wants something
to be possible, it’ll happen no matter how crazy it sounds. Why do you ask?
prideofaslan78: Before I answer
that question, I need to ask you one more.
And please don’t think I’m being silly.
frauleinkirche: Okay…
prideofaslan78: Were you praying
for me this afternoon?
frauleinkirche:
Yes. Is that why you asked?
prideofaslan78: Yes it is. I was having a rough afternoon,
please don’t ask details, because it was just… nasty. Just plain nasty.
frauleinkirche: I’m
sorry to hear that. Is everything
alright?
He smiled gently at the concern in her words. In spite of the fact that he had no idea what she looked like, he could imagine that same quiet concern in her eyes.
prideofaslan78: It’s better now
that I’m talking to you, but it wasn’t then.
I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go on stage then. I was that upset.
frauleinkirche: Are
you sure you’re alright?
prideofaslan78: I’m fine now. But right then the others
on tour with me were trying like mad to calm me down, and it just wasn’t
happening. Then just all at once I felt
something like a soothing hug being wrapped around me, and no one was standing
anywhere close. I won’t say it solved
things, but it did give me enough strength to go on.
Kate’s response took an extra minute or two, almost as if she had to wrap her mind around his words before replying.
frauleinkirche: Seriously??
prideofaslan78: I’m quite
serious. Normally you’d suspect it was
from God in a situation like that, but it felt like it came from someone small
and female. For some reason I
immediately thought of you.
frauleinkirche: Wow. I’ve heard of people feeling the prayers of
others before, but I’ve never heard anything like that. This afternoon?
prideofaslan78: Absolutely. Around five something,
I think. I didn’t get a good look at a
clock. Is that when you were praying?
frauleinkirche: Yes,
it was. I knew that the blonde one had
been there shortly before you, so I was trying to pray her influence out of the
place and ask for some peace & quiet on your behalf.
prideofaslan78: The blonde one??
frauleinkirche:
Britney?
prideofaslan78: That’s right, she had been there before me…
frauleinkirche: I
figured the place could use a cleansing from that filth.
Clay had to clamp his mouth shut to keep from laughing aloud, but it was a welcome effort.
prideofaslan78: Thanks for the laugh,
Kate. And certainly thanks for the
prayers, they obviously helped.
frauleinkirche:
That’s completely God’s doing, Clay… there’s no two ways about that.
prideofaslan78: Agreed. But I still thank you. I was able to go out there and perform, and
got some more calming down time with God later.
frauleinkirche: Well,
my students never noticed. They thought
you were fabulous and were absolutely dying from meeting you in person. I got a text from them earlier, they raved
about you. I’ll be their favorite
teacher for all of two weeks, maybe a month.
prideofaslan78: I hoped you were
their favorite teacher already.
frauleinkirche: Teenage
girls are fickle creatures.
prideofaslan78: You sent me a pair
of gigglers.
frauleinkirche: Sorry. They’re high-schoolers,
what do you expect?
prideofaslan78: Truth told,
sometimes I get more respect from schoolkids than I
do adults.
frauleinkirche: Which
is sad… it’s the adults that should know better.
prideofaslan78: I’m just glad to
get so much respect and understanding from you.
frauleinkirche: That’s
because I see you’re a real person. A
celebrity is just a regular person, only more people know who they are than the
average Joe.
prideofaslan78: You’re very wise
to see that.
frauleinkirche: I’m
disappointed that more people don’t.
Clay continued to talk with her for a while before calling
it a night so that she could get to bed.
He wasn’t tired and still needed to talk, but he knew she was not a
night person by nature and chose to respect that. Still, he felt more at peace than he had
earlier and smiled. After their
conversation, he felt closer to her somehow, even though neither of them had
revealed anything huge or deep. I wonder how far we are from
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Friday, May 21, 2004
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Early morning in Los
Angeles, California
Clay yawned as he walked into the offices of 19 Entertainment, hoping that he was awake enough to handle the battle he expected to face shortly. He had been summoned to a so-called urgent meeting with the head accountant there, a crusty individual named Claude Remus. Everyone from Simon Fuller on down called him “CR”, but those who had seen his devious nature firsthand joked among themselves that it stood for “Cash Register”. Now that Clay had successfully maneuvered to win his freedom from 19E’s management through legal means, he fully suspected that today’s meeting would involve a lot of CR pulling out all his less scrupulous stops in order to rope him back in. Not if I can help it. Yet when Clay had asked, CR had insisted he wouldn’t need his lawyer today. In spite of that, Clay was still suspicious. Entering the elevator going to the same floor as the offices, Clay purposefully bounced from one foot back to the other in order to remain alert.
Finally he reached his floor, and Clay exited the elevator. He walked down the hall, praying under his breath that he would keep his temper in check and would handle this matter well. “You wanted to see me?”
“Clay,” CR said evenly, not looking away from his computer screen until he had reduced the window he had open. “You’re on time, congratulations.”
“You sound surprised,” Clay returned just as evenly, determined not to sound annoyed at the less than subtle implication.
A ghost of a smile played at one corner of his mouth. “Not at all.” He stood up and placed both hands on the desk in front of him. “I’m going to come right to the point while you’re still awake. What does the name Bridget mean to you?”
Clay blinked with confusion. He met an awful lot of fans during his last tour, how was he supposed to remember a specific one? Slowly he shook his head.
“Mm,” CR nodded. “Not surprised. She is on my staff here in accounting.” He continued to look at Clay. “Does that help any?”
The barest hint of a tickle stirred in the back of Clay’s mind, but not enough to prompt a memory. Clay still shook his head. “I’m sorry sir, but it doesn’t.”
“I’m sure you’re familiar with Joey, one of the interns on staff,” CR said quietly, not removing his steel-grey eyes from Clay’s at all.
Suddenly that tickle surged into full-blown recall. Joey was the intern who had given Clay the original letter from Kate, and who Clay had begged to find the rest. How Joey had pulled it off he never found out and chose not to ask… but Clay remembered that the price for his aid was not just an autographed picture, but a personalized one. Considering that was how he signed most of the items at meet and greets, that hadn’t bothered him at the time. But now he wasn’t sure what to think. “I’ve bumped into him a time or two,” Clay said cautiously.
CR nodded thoughtfully. He slowly walked around his desk to stand in front of Clay. “I noticed that she had an autographed photo of you at her desk. When I asked her where she got it, she told me that Joey had given it to her… something about cashing in on a favor Clay owed him.”
“Really?” Clay replied quietly, hoping that the beat of his racing heart didn’t give him away. Please, Lord, don’t let him know about Kate, don’t let him know anything about Kate…
But it seemed that Clay’s prayers were too little too late. CR went on. “I did some snooping around among the other interns, and it turns out Joey had recruited them for a little project of his… only there was no such project. He had them helping him sort your fan mail, telling them it had to be put in some sort of ‘order’ or something.” CR shrugged. “The only reasonable explanation I could come to is that you had conned him into looking for something.”
I was hoping to find an oven timer to go with my turkey baster… As soon as the words went through Clay’s mind, he knew that this was not the time to smart off and kept his mouth shut. He had been found out and was in a lot of trouble – playing ignorant was his only recourse just in case CR still didn’t know quite everything. Clay shrugged back.
CR now stood toe-to-toe with Clay. “Joey told me nothing useful, so I informed him that his services were no longer useful.” He gave Clay a moment to digest this news before allowing a cruel smile to again toy with the corners of his mouth. “I needn’t remind you of the fraternization clause in your contract,” CR growled. “What I will take the time to remind you of is the penalty if you have broken that clause. If Joey did indeed give you additional fan mail at your request that you have not returned, then you could potentially be found in violation of that clause. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, sir.”
“However,” CR whispered, the smile on his face growing. “I am nothing if not benevolent. You may no longer be directly managed by 19E,
but you are still on our talent roster in many ways. Therefore I am completely willing to forget
about everything if said fan mail is returned to these offices by two
today. At that time I will expect you to
turn them over to
Clay’s heart was now in the pit of his stomach. Not only was his little secret betrayed, but all of Kate’s letters and cards, his precious momentos, were to be forcefully ripped from his possession and destroyed beyond any hope of recognition or restoration. Immediately he recalled that her personal information was still on the outside of those envelopes as well as throughout the inside… and that was the last thing he wanted to fall into the hands of unscrupulous people. Maybe I’ve been betrayed by my own stupidity, Clay thought bitterly, but I will be darned if I allow Kate to be betrayed too. “Yes, sir… but I would like to suggest an amendment to your plan.”
CR’s face clouded darkly. He was not used to his orders being questioned. “I thought I had made myself quite clear about these matters.”
“You did, sir,” Clay breathed, suddenly finding his shoes the most interesting subject in the room. “But this is clearly meant to be a punishment for any wrongdoing on my part. If it is to be a punishment fitting the crime… then it needs to be my hand that shreds the mail. I think that would drive the message further home through my thick skull.”
Clay didn’t see the expression on CR’s face, but he did hear his deep chuckle. “I stand corrected. You see things a lot more clearly than I gave you credit. I like your idea.” CR’s shoes moved from directly in front of Clay to back behind the desk. “You may go now, Clay. Remember… back at my office by two o’clock.”
“Count on me to be prompt then too,” Clay replied before turning to leave.
The walk to the elevator passed in a daze. Inside the elevator car’s cold, unfriendly interior Clay leaned his head against the wall and shut his eyes. How could you have been so stupid? This is your own darn fault. His mind continued to race and berate himself for the rest of the ride down.
Back at the studio parking lot several hours later, Clay opened the trunk of his car to retrieve a small box. He purposefully ignored the rest of his surroundings as his palms turned cold and clammy at the mere thought of what was going to happen. Nine months of memories and some of the most loving support I’ve ever known, and I’ve thrown it all away by my own stupidity and carelessness. Only the envelopes that had been received at the studio were in the box, but Clay knew that he was going to have to do the same with the rest at home. He wasn’t about to risk Kate’s privacy and security by leaving them sitting around.
The ride and the walk to CR’s office felt like a long, solitary death march to Clay, and he arrived at the man’s door with a solemn expression on his face. “I’m back.”
CR glanced at his watch, his face turning pleased to note that it was just barely after one. “Surpassed yourself, I see. I’m glad that you’re taking this so seriously.” He came back around the desk, blinking with surprise at the size of the box. “That much?”
Clay shrugged offhandedly. “They’re mostly just greeting cards, but they all came at a time when I was still… adjusting to some major changes in my life. I grew a bit attached to them.”
“Mm,” CR grunted with displeasure. “Glad to nip this in the bud before it grew into something worse then.” He led the way to the shredder, standing to the side to let Clay pass.
Placing the box on a nearby table away from CR, Clay felt his eyes brim over with hot tears. With great effort he held them back. He refused to give this man the satisfaction of seeing him break down. I will keep control… I will keep control. One by one Clay took each piece of mail out of the box and fed it to the shredder, careful to keep the addresses facing towards the wall away from CR. The teeth of the metallic monster mercilessly ground each one to the consistency of chicken feed, coldly unaware that Clay’s heart was being shredded along with them.
At last Clay’s box was empty, and he held it up towards CR for his inspection. CR nodded with satisfaction as Clay blankly tossed the box into a nearby pile. “That’s a good man, Clay. Good show of initiative to do it yourself.”
“Thank you,” Clay responded, but they were hollow words.
CR started to walk away, pausing at the doorway. “I have full confidence that nothing like this will ever happen again. You may leave now.”
Determined not to meet his gaze, Clay walked by CR without another word.
CR watched him go, pretending not to notice as his chief assistant came up beside him. He waited until Clay entered the elevator before acknowledging the assistant. “Is it done?”
The assistant nodded once. “The bridge should be on fire as we speak.”
“Good work.” CR smirked as he once more considered the elevator into which Clay had escaped moments before. “Somehow I suspect the boy was every bit as forthcoming as the intern we canned yesterday. That should take care of the problem for good. Oh, and one more thing.” CR leveled a keen gaze at his assistant. “Our conversations on the subject never took place.”
This time his assistant raised one angled eyebrow. “What conversations?” the assistant asked coolly, nodded once more, and walked away.
CR chuckled with full understanding of his assistant’s
meaning. He felt very pleased about
having solved another one of 19E’s big problems, and felt very much in control
of his destiny.
Clay kept his composure from the elevator to the car and throughout the entire drive to his home. It wasn’t until he was safely parked in the confines of his gated driveway that Clay finally broke down into tears. I can’t believe I was such a fool… I knew I wasn’t supposed to do that, and I did it anyway. I should have known it would catch up with me in the end. He continued to weep for some time, smearing the tears over his cheeks before finally deciding he was ready to enter the house. Slowly he pulled a jump drive from his pocket, gently caressing its surface. Someday he would erase the contents of the drive… but not until well after he had told Kate why he had to break off their friendship. He felt he owed her that much, but not tonight. Clay entered the house before a fresh batch of tears threatened to take over.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Friday, May 21, 2004
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Late evening at Kate
and Sarah’s apartment in
“Kate! Get in here!”
Recognizing the firm, business-like tone of Sarah’s voice, Kate hurried into Sarah’s room and found her seated at her computer. “What? What's going on?”
“This.” Sarah indicated the computer screen and the photograph it contained.
Kate stared with shock at a photograph of her friend Clay with one of the makeup artists he knew in his new business… only the photograph had his hands placed on an inappropriate part of the woman’s anatomy. For several minutes she stared in silence, unwilling to believe her eyes. “No...” she breathed at last, dropping to a seated position on the edge of Sarah’s bed as her knees gave way.
“I’m afraid so. It
looks like this guy isn’t everything he led you to believe.” Sarah shrugged. “Red-blooded young man, it happens.” Noticing that her friend had started to shake
uncontrollably, Sarah reached out with compassion and squeezed Kate’s
hand. “I’m glad you found out now before you actually met him
face-to-face. It certainly makes me glad
that
“No, Sarah, no. No, I don’t, and no, he didn’t! That photo’s a fake. It’s doctored.” Kate shook her head vehemently. She couldn’t explain why she knew, but she knew that Clay wouldn’t have done it. But she wouldn’t put it past Clay’s detractors to use PhotoShop or some other program to alter a photo in order to discredit him.
“Photos don’t lie, Kate.”
“Forrest Gump.”
Sarah had to admit that Kate had her there. In this age of digital technology, video and photo were no longer as completely reliable as they had been in the past. They could indeed be altered to make things seem what they weren’t. If Tom Hanks could be inserted seamlessly into historical footage, then it was possible that this wasn’t real either. “Alright, alright. The photo might be lying.”
“It is.”
“Alright, already!” Sarah heaved a deep sigh, frustrated with Kate’s stubbornness. “Tell me exactly why you think this is a doctored photograph.”
Kate was instantly ready with her answer. “Because Clay wouldn’t do that with any woman who wasn’t his own wife, and from everything I’ve heard this one’s already married to someone else - or dating someone else, I don’t remember which. Clay respects women – he’s said it time and time again. He has voiced his own opinion of intimacy, how it’s ultimately to be savored between husband and wife, and how we’re supposed to remain chaste and pure until that time comes. Watch any video clip of him you want, and you’ll see the way he is with women. You’ll see him the way that I see him… as a very good, honorable man.”
“Kate,” Sarah snorted. “"Not everyone sees him the way you do. Look at some of the fan fic that has been written about him. Look at the view those people have about him.”
“They’re wrong, and they dishonor both him and God with their… their… vile trash.” Kate simmered, her voice trembling with the effort it took to keep her emotions under control. But she insisted in her belief without wavering or slowing down. “He’s honorable, not promiscuous. He’s respectful, not lewd and rude and… the same kind of garbage that jerk Viktor was!”
“Viktor was a piece of work,” Sarah growled with agreement. “I am so glad we don’t have to deal with him any more.”
Involuntarily Kate shuddered. “You and me both.” She frowned. “I don’t care what anyone else says - Clay would not do this. He didn’t do this, and nothing short of an admission of guilt from his own mouth will make me believe otherwise. I’m sorry, Sarah… but nothing will convince me that this is real.”
Sarah quickly interposed a hand to keep Kate from going on further. “You’ve made your point… and since you’ve had the opportunity to talk with him yourself, I will take your words as I would one who knows him personally. He didn’t do it.”
“Thank you,” Kate whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “Thank you for believing me.”
“You’re my best friend, Kate, and I know you well enough to know you’re not a liar. If you walked in here and in all sincerity told me that a pink elephant was sleeping in your bed… I might wonder if Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum had finally driven you crazy, but I’d go to the grocery store with you to help you buy him peanuts.”
With a grateful smile Kate sniffled and grabbed a Kleenex from a nearby box. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Sarah. I really don’t.”
“I think you’d get along fine, Kate. Your life would be a bit more dull, but you’d survive.” Sarah smirked as she glanced back at the screen. “Then again, he seems to be providing your life with plenty of excitement whether he means to or not. If I were you, I’d get ready to deal with the fallout from this. This is going to send his fans into a tizzy, and he’s going to need you to help keep his spirits up.”
“Right.”
Pointing to the screen, Sarah indicated the photo again. “Want me to keep it for reference?”
“Heavens no! Trash it! I hope I never see it again as long as I live.” Again Kate shuddered violently.
“Consider it done,” Sarah assured her, clicking on the button that made her recycle bin empty its contents. It obeyed eagerly, playing Sarah’s favorite quote from Spaceballs to inform her that it had accomplished its task. Sarah recited in chorus with her computer. “Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.”
Kate gave a half-hearted chuckle. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Sarah watched as Kate returned to her own room. Kate hadn’t known Clay that long, and she was ready to defend him to the end against any foe or insult that came his way. Before now she had only been that loyal to family members and close gal pals. That man doesn’t know what he has in her. If he doesn’t see her for the treasure she is, he’s the biggest idiot of all time.
With hurried steps Kate went straight over to her computer. He has to know about this by now… I have to let him know that I believe in him and that I know he didn’t do it. He didn’t do it… Kate fired up her computer, waiting through the endless process it took for the machine to boot up. Turning on no other programs, Kate went immediately for her e-mail to fire him off a supportive note. She placed her hands on the keys, debating for a moment what she should say to him. Was there any wisdom that she could offer? Was there any wisdom that her mother could offer, if she called her right now? What would make a difference to the young gentleman on her mind?
At last Kate had to admit she was at a complete loss for words. No wisdom, no flowering prose, nothing sounded right. But Kate knew that she had to tell him that she knew he was innocent… she knew that he hadn’t done that of which they were attempting to accuse him. She had to let him know that this picture had changed nothing between them. Keep it simple… you can say everything you want to say by keeping it simple. You’re less likely to stick your foot in your fool mouth if you go that route. Babbling never fails to get you in trouble. Kate put together an e-mail with a whole one line of content. “I believe you, and I believe in you,” was all she said before signing it “Your friend for eternity, Kate”.
Hesitating slightly, Kate let her cursor hover over the “send” button for a moment. For some reason her nerves were getting the best of her more than usual. Were her words somehow more vulnerable than she thought? By simply telling him that she believed in him, she was showing him that she trusted him… she was indeed putting herself in a very vulnerable position if she was somehow wrong. If she was wrong about her instincts regarding Clay, then she was voluntarily choosing to remain friends with a man that might be capable of the horrors that had already happened to her. But would there be someone to rescue her this time? Did she really dare trust him? He needs the encouragement, and right now you’re the only one who can do it… you know full well you can trust him. She quickly tapped the button before she could change her mind. Knowing that she could not take it back now if she tried, Kate hugged her arms tightly around herself, unable to stop the tears any longer.
“Kate?” Sarah came running from the other room. Seeing her best friend weeping and rocking uncontrollably in her computer task chair, Sarah quickly moved to embrace her. “It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay. God’s people get attacked like this all the time. We can expect it. Shhhh. He knows you still believe in him. He knows you’re still his friend in spite of this.”
Sarah’s words reassured her somehow, and Kate felt her faith in Clay restored. “B-B-But he didn’t do an-anything wrong,” Kate sobbed, once more absolutely convinced that she did indeed know and understand the real Clay Aiken. “He… he just stood up for what he believed. He still does.”
“I know… I know.” Sarah hugged her tight. “And so do you. That’s one of the things that draws the two of you together - your common beliefs.” She let Kate’s tears and sobbing run their course for a while, holding her close and stroking her hair. She had never seen Kate affected this much by anyone, especially not by a man. Over the months Kate and Clay had known each other, the two of them had spoken openly and honestly about many issues that affected them both. They had discussed religion and faith, family and relationships, education and impacting the world around them. They had discussed things that resonated deeply with them both. From Kate’s reaction today, Sarah suspected that she was falling in love. She also suspected that Clay wasn’t that far behind. “You’ve fallen hard for him, haven’t you?”
Kate made a blank face. “I d-don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. Apparently Kate wasn’t ready to admit it yet - she was still in the denial stage. Sarah would have to work on her a while before Kate realized and accepted how she felt about Clay. It would probably take lots of late-night conversations, lots of patience, lots of prompting, and lots more patience. Knowing Kate, she might need help from Kate’s mother too. For now she decided to let the denial pass... but not without some form of acknowledgement of her skepticism. “Whatever you say...”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Still Friday, May 21, 2004
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Clay and Kim’s place
in Los Angeles, California
Clay shuffled into the house, jump drive still in his hand. Kim was in her own room, for which Clay was grateful. This way he wouldn’t have to explain a single thing. He sighed under his breath as he went to his own room.
“Clay?” Kim’s voice echoed out to him, and she quickly followed it to her doorway. “You’re not going to believe what’s happened now.”
He closed his eyes and hung his head. He should have known better than to take that swindler at his word when he promised that he’d forget everything. It was people like CR who continued to undermine Clay’s faith in the potential for goodness within humanity. “Oh, I bet I will,” Clay mumbled dejectedly, “after what I just went through at 19E. Good old ‘Cash Register’ at his charming best and then some. Go ahead and tell me, I want to hear the street version of the story.”
Kim raised her eyebrow. “So you’ve seen the picture?”
“Picture? What picture are you talking about?”
This time Kim stared. “Oh my gosh… you just spent all that time at 19E and you obviously have no idea about the picture.”
Clay stared back. There was obviously a new development that someone at the office had failed to mention… and he had to consider the possibility that the omission was deliberate. “What picture?” he asked, forcing his voice to remain even.
Kim led him into her room and over to her computer, pointing to an image on the screen. “I already know it’s PhotoShopped,” she began as Clay gaped, “and several of the fans are already saying the same thing. We all know you better than that. But there are way too many who are thinking it’s the real thing.”
“B-But…” Clay whispered, “I wouldn’t do that to someone else’s lady. I wouldn’t do that to a lady period unless she was my wife, and certainly not for a camera! That’s pure smut!”
“Like I said,” Kim smiled, “some of us know you better than that.” She placed a hand on Clay’s shoulder. “The ones whose opinions really matter will be able to see the truth, Clay. The rest of them who don’t see the truth… obviously don’t know you very well.” She sighed. “I hope you won’t lose too many fans or friends over this.”
Immediately Clay’s thoughts turned to his friendship with Kate. What would she think? What would she say? Would she believe him and stick by him? Would she tell him off? Would she simply stop contacting him altogether, with no explanation at all? In spite of the fact that Clay had already decided to cut off their friendship, he was deeply chilled over this new development. He wanted them to part with mutual respect for each other’s privacy and safety, not hurt or angry over an outright lie such as this. Clay turned abruptly and ran into his own room, leaving Kim blinking after him bewildered by his hasty exit. He hurried over to his computer and awoke it from its sleep mode, bringing up the browser window that would take him to his fictitious e-mail address. Come on… Quickly Clay poked the refresh button, fretting over the outcome in those few watched moments.
There were a plethora of older e-mails in his inbox, and his eyes searched frantically for a new one from Kate. Within seconds he found what he was looking for and brought up her message.
Her words were few and short, Clay discovered as he poured over them hungrily with hope that she would continue to accept him after this disaster. But it turns out he didn’t need to have worried at all, either about the length of the message or the content. “I believe you, and I believe in you,” her e-mail began, and wrapped up simply with, “Your friend for eternity, Kate”.
She… she still believes in me, Clay rejoiced, wrapping his arms tightly around himself and imagining that they were hers. Tears of gratitude began to trickle down Clay’s cheeks, and he found that in his overwhelmed state that he was unable to stop them. Following through with his decision was going to be even harder now.
“Okay…” Kim said gently as she walked over to Clay’s
side. “Whose response were you so
worried about that you ran out on me?”
She glanced over his shoulder at the screen. “Kate Kirche. Is she someone from back home in
“N-no, she’s from
“
“No.”
“College friend?”
“No.” Clay bit his lip, not willing to volunteer anything but knowing that Kim was going to keep asking until she found out.
She snapped her fingers. “One of the other Idol contestants.”
“No.”
Kim considered him askance.
“Some other kind of friend from your
“No.”
“This had better be good,” Kim told him, crossing her arms patiently. “Who’s Kate?”
Clay made a guilty face. “I’m… not supposed to know her at all. She’s one of my fans.”
“Oh really.”
“Really.” Clay wiped his cheeks and held up the jump drive. “That’s one of the things that happened at 19E. CR found out that I had been hoarding letters and cards from one of the fans.”
“Let me guess…” Kim began. “Kate.” At seeing Clay’s lone nod, Kim pursed her lips. “So Mr. Charming found out you’ve been keeping mail from one of your fans. Is he going to make you give it back?”
Clay nodded again. “He already did. I took it all back today and shredded it myself while he watched me. The last thing I wanted was for them to get a hold of her information and make her life miserable because of me. I also wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of allowing one of their flunkies being the one to do it. But I took it back in only after I made scans of everything first and put them on this drive.”
Kim’s eyes bulged at his admission. “So they only think that they got them back, but you really still have copies of everything she sent?”
“They really did get back the originals, but I made copies of everything,” Clay verified. “I wasn’t losing all those letters of love and support, all the cards she sent to encourage me. Not on your life. At least… not until I’m ready to let them go. It’s got to be my choice.”
“You’re a glutton for punishment, Clay,” Kim sighed as she rolled her eyes, “a serious glutton for punishment. Did he find out that you two are e-mailing each other?”
“No,” Clay answered. “All he knows about are the letters and cards that she sent to the studio. Of course those stopped coming when the season ended. Actually, they stopped going there when the tour ended and I gave her another address to write.”
“Clay, are you absolutely crazy? She could be some kind of lunatic, some sort of stalker-like axe-murderer or something! You could be the next John Lennon or the next Selena if you’re wrong about her!”
Immediately Clay shook his head. “No, no, no! She’s fine, she’s absolutely fine. She jokes that she never claimed to be normal,” he giggled once, “but I find her refreshingly normal. She’s a regular, intelligent, offbeat, faith-filled woman, and I find her an absolute delight to talk with.” He nodded with confidence. “I took steps to protect us both. That’s why the fake name, the post office box, and this e-mail address registered to the same name. I can drop them all in a moment like a hot fried Twinkie if I have to. We also agreed that we weren’t mentioning my real name at all unless we were talking about me as if I’m someone else. It was to protect us both, so that neither of us can be traced to the other. Even in spite of what happened today, our privacy and our security is safe.”
“Who do you think you’re fooling?” Kim asked. “Do you really think you’re fooling your managers, the label, the media… whoever? Or do you think you’re only fooling yourself?”
Clay shrugged and wiped more tears from his cheeks. “After today I don’t know if I’ve fooled them or not,” he admitted, his voice lowering, “but you’re right in that I have been fooling myself.”
“Okay…” Kim answered slowly. “Fooling yourself how?”
He swallowed the lump in his throat, unwilling to voice the truth about Kate now that he was going to have to tell her goodbye. Clay closed his eyes, shoring himself up to admit this next truth too. “Fooling myself over how I feel about her. Fooling myself into believing that it was just friendship when what I feel goes a lot deeper than friendship.”
Kim crouched down at his side at his admission, her gentle hand once more on his shoulder. “Do you think you’re in love with her?”
“I… don’t know,” Clay winced. “It’s too soon to tell. And I’m not going to get the chance to find out. After what they’ve proved themselves capable of doing to me, I don’t want to find out what they’d do to her.” He frowned. “But I could sure fall for someone just like her, if I ever had the chance. She’s real, Kim, so very much more real than a lot of the people I’ve met in my life. I know you think that I should be careful or shouldn’t do this at all, and normally you’d be right. But every fiber of my being tells me that she is very real and wouldn’t hurt me at all. I can’t explain it, but that’s just the way it is.” He pointed to the screen with a happy, wistful smile. “She still believes in me… she still sees me for who I am. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Kim… to be seen and loved for me! The nerd, the momma’s boy… the artistic geek… the goofy prankster… the guy who was so selfish and self-centered for way too many years, and often still is… the dork who wants so much to overcome all of my flaws and be the kind of man God wants me to be. She sees me for all of that, and yet she still sticks around. It’s like she wants to be with me…”
“The way you talk about her, she sounds special,” Kim told him cautiously.
“She is,” Clay confirmed. “If you want to read through my copies of the letters some time, I can go through them with you. She’s absolutely an amazing woman…”
Kim considered Clay’s slightly dreamy expression for a moment before responding. She sighed thoughtfully, wanting very much to believe what he was saying was true. Then again, maybe it was. After all, she had seen past the photo. “Maybe you should see about giving her the chance to fall in love with you too, the real Clay Aiken and not just the pop star.”
Clay gave her a weak smile in return. He knew it would be easy to fall for someone like Kate, but he wasn’t so sure about Kate falling for someone like him. A guy like him had too many flaws and faults, made too many mistakes to deserve a woman like that as even a friend, much less anything more. Even if he changed his mind about breaking off their friendship, he’d be a fool to think she’d ever see him as someone she would be interested in dating… or more. “I only wish I could.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Saturday, May 22, 2004
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Kate’s apartment in
Kearney,
Glancing up as her instant message program alerted her to one of her contacts coming online, Kate put down the work she was doing while she waited. Clay had left her an urgent-sounding e-mail late last night, requesting time to chat today. After recent events, Kate couldn’t help but think that their conversation was going to be anything but light.
frauleinkirche: Hey
there, what’s on your mind?
prideofaslan78: Way too much.
frauleinkirche: I
figured that, with everything going on.
Anything in particular you want to talk about?
prideofaslan78: Kate, I want to
talk with you about anything and everything under the sun except for the one
thing that I have no choice but to talk with you about.
frauleinkirche: I’m
not sure I like the sound of that.
prideofaslan78: I don’t blame
you. I don’t like it either.
frauleinkirche: It’s
about that darn picture, isn’t it?
prideofaslan78: Yes and no. The picture is a symptom of a MUCH bigger
problem.
frauleinkirche: Let’s
simplify the direction of this talk.
I’ll start by asking you a yes or no question, and I want you to tell me
what the truth is. Whatever you say the
truth is, I will believe you.
prideofaslan78: You want to know
if that picture’s real, don’t you?
frauleinkirche: Yes.
prideofaslan78: What do you think
the truth is?
frauleinkirche: I
know you’re a red-blooded guy with working hormones, but I know what you’ve
said about respecting women and waiting.
It seems very out of character for you.
prideofaslan78: Thank you.
frauleinkirche: Is
that the truth?
prideofaslan78: Yes it is. I’ve been known to joke around with my
friends and do goofy things, but that’s just plain wrong. I don’t believe in doing that sort of thing
to a woman who isn’t my wife.
frauleinkirche: Thank
you for reassuring me. That’s what I
told Sarah.
prideofaslan78: You did?
frauleinkirche:
Yeah. She didn’t want to believe me at
first, but finally she decided to take my word for it when I caught her in a
technicality. Never thought I’d see the
day when I outmaneuvered her intellectually on something. Usually I out-stubborn her
instead.
prideofaslan78: Thanks for the
warning… and for standing up for me. I
appreciate both of those things more than I can tell you.
frauleinkirche: I
thought you just did.
prideofaslan78: Now you’re
catching ME on a technicality.
frauleinkirche: Will
wonders never cease…
prideofaslan78: Kate, I have to
talk to you about something that’s going to be very painful to discuss. But before I do, could I ask a favor of you?
frauleinkirche: If
it’s within my power and not somehow wrong, I’ll do it.
prideofaslan78: Oh Kate, you had
to put it that way, didn’t you?
frauleinkirche:
What? What did I do?
prideofaslan78: You did nothing
wrong at all. Be absolutely sure about
that. It’s all me.
frauleinkirche: I’m
afraid I’m kind of lost. You’re going to
have to fill me in.
prideofaslan78: I’ll do what I can. But I’m still going to ask that favor.
frauleinkirche: What
is it? IS it something I can help you
with?
prideofaslan78: I want to use the
voice and video chat on this thing. I
want to hear your voice and see your face.
I NEED to hear and see you.
frauleinkirche: Why
is that so important?
prideofaslan78: I just need to.
frauleinkirche: I
have a mike hooked up to my computer and could do the voice chat, but I’m afraid
that I can’t help you with the video. I
haven’t even taken the camera out of the box, I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea
how to hook it up or run it even if I had the cables.
prideofaslan78: I made sure you
had the cables. You seriously haven’t
taken it out of the box?
frauleinkirche: My
spring break plans kind of got ruined, as you know. Between you and Drew’s family, those were the
only things in my life exciting enough that I would have taped. My life is dreadfully dull, Clay. I go to school and teach, I
come home. I go to school and teach, I come home. I
do that five days a week. The weekends
are almost that exciting. I do love
church and bible study, but they’d be kind of a boring movie… my pastor’s
interesting to listen to and I learn a lot from him, but he’s not exactly a box
office action hero.
prideofaslan78: I wouldn’t call
that a dull life at all.
frauleinkirche: I
didn’t say that I was complaining, far from it… only that it wasn’t something I
would make a movie out of. Personally I
like the slower-pace life, but most people don’t. Most people would find me and my life
hopelessly dull, a “who needs a sedative when you have Kate?” kind of dull.
prideofaslan78: Kate, you are
anything but dull to me. You are
fascinating, you are vibrant, you are alive. You make ME feel alive.
frauleinkirche: Are
you serious??
prideofaslan78: Absolutely. That’s why this conversation is going to be
so hard, and why I absolutely need to hear your voice. If I can’t see your face, at the very least I
need to hear your voice.
prideofaslan78: Please.
There was something in his words that told Kate he was in deep earnest. This was no simple, off-handed request. Kate maneuvered her cursor to the button that invited him to a voice chat and pushed it. A moment later another window opened to the familiar voice chat prompts and controls Kate had used dozens of times with Drew and Holly. “Can you hear me now?” Kate drawled impishly.
Over Kate’s computer speakers came that familiar, beautiful laugh… only it seemed less bright, less energetic and full. “Only you would begin our first voice conversation with something other than ‘hello’,” Clay told her with another chuckle.
“No,” Kate responded. “I think you would too.”
“Don’t you know it,” Clay admitted and grew quiet. He heaved a deep, heavy sigh, almost savoring the trusting silence as much as her voice. Finally Clay spoke again, and Kate could hear that his voice was heavy with emotion. “You have no idea how much I have both looked forward to and dreaded this conversation… looked forward to the opportunity to finally hear you, the real you, with all your emotions, your inflections, your accent – “
“What do you mean, my accent!” Kate protested.
Clay chuckled again. “Midwesterners talk through their nose.”
Kate scowled, knowing to some degree that was true. But then again, Clay hadn’t heard her real accent. The rural region Kate had originated from did have a touch of country drawl, and sometimes when Kate got excited it snuck into her voice. Most days though, there was no trace of it. She was about to give him a snappy comeback, but something told her to hold onto it and listen instead.
Once again Clay sighed. “I want this conversation to go on, and on, and on… because I know…” His voice cracked and he took a deep breath. “I know that when it’s done, I have to… say goodbye.”
“What??” Kate asked. “Why, because of the stupid picture? Clay, you’ve already said that you didn’t do it. And I’ve already said that I believe you and I believe in you. We’re still friends. So what’s the problem? Why, then, do you think you have to say goodbye?”
“Kate,” Clay continued, his voice still crackling with emotion, “you’ve seen how people in the media and in the industry have tried to discredit me left and right. They’ve said this, they’ve said that. And now someone’s put out this phony picture that has tried to make me into this bad-boy that I don’t wanna be! I’ve seen what this sort of thing puts my family through, what it puts my friends through.” He sniffled.
“It’s tough,” Kate agreed. “Your loved ones put up with a lot.”
“They put up with more than they deserve to, a
“They do it because they love you, Clay…”
“Some return for all their love. My loved ones deserve so much better than what they get, but the media, the industry just can’t leave well enough alone. Kate… if they’re capable of doing this to me, I don’t even want to think what they’d do to you.” Clay’s voice was almost a whisper now. “I’m not risking your privacy and your safety for my sake. I have to protect you, even if that means I have to say goodbye. It’s the best thing for you, Kate, it really is.”
Memories from Kate’s youth flashed through her mind in that instant. Many times over the years her brother Drew had gotten into fights verbal or physical in order to protect his kid sister’s innocence and feelings as long as he was able. While Kate had been glad for the times he had protected her from true harm, there were times that she truly resented the fact that he wasn’t allowing her the chance to make her own choices. Her complete and total innocence had come back to haunt her years later with a price that she tried very hard not to remember. Now Clay was trying to do the same thing, trying to protect her innocence at the expense of her own free choice. Only this time, the price was the loss of his friendship… and this time, she was not going to sit idly by the sidelines and let someone make the decisions for her. “How DARE you?!” Kate growled.
“Excuse me?”
“How DARE you,” Kate repeated, her voice rising along with her anger, “make MY choices for me? No one on earth, and I mean NO ONE, has the right to decide what’s the best thing for me except for me. Not even YOU, Mr. Big Fancy Pop Star.”
“What?” Clay squeaked weakly, not believing what he was hearing.
“Don’t give me that, you heard me full well. No one makes my decisions for me. In fact, maybe I’ve decided that I’m willing to risk darn well whatever it is out there for your sake so that you have someone to talk to when things all fall apart, because the best thing for YOU is not to be alone. And in case you think I’m just blowing hot air on that one, read Genesis two sometime. ‘It is not good for man to be alone,’ God said, and then He went and created a female companion for him, someone to keep him company through thick AND thin. That wasn’t my choice or yours, that was HIS, and He trumps us both.”
“Kate… I… Kate…”
“Is there something more, Clay? Tell me, if you really value our friendship!” Kate listened for a moment and blinked with surprise to hear Clay’s unsuccessful attempts to silence what was obviously a very emotional outpouring of sorrow on his end. Whatever he wasn’t telling her, it was tearing him apart. “You weren’t supposed to be talking with me, were you, Aiken? They found out, and that naughty little picture was their attempt to not only shake up your wholesome image, but to turn me against you.” Clay gasped on the other end, and Kate knew that she had guessed right. “Clay…” she began gently, “are there any penalties you might face for talking to me? Is that why you responded the way you did when I said that I’d help as long as it wasn’t wrong somehow?”
Clay sniffled loudly. “Kate… I… I…”
“Oh, Clay…” Kate breathed. “If they’ve threatened you because of me, I-I won’t have it. I won’t let you be penalized on my account. I’m not worth it, Clay, I’m not worth it at all.”
“What?!?” Clay spat.
“I won’t let them hurt you because of me. Maybe I can’t protect you from every little hurt or wrong they do, but if I can protect you from this… then it’s something I obviously have to do, and one thing that I can. You’re right, Clay, we can’t keep on talking with each other, not if it’s going to jeopardize so many of the wonderful things God has in store for you.”
“And what,” began Clay, his own anger stirring through his tears, “happened to all of that ‘no one has the right to make someone else’s choices for them’ talk? You just yelled at me for supposedly trying to make your choices for you, but now you’re trying to do the same for me!”
Kate shook her head in spite of the fact that Clay couldn’t see her. “No, I just want to look out for you, that’s all.”
“That’s what I was trying to do for you!”
“You were trying to decide for me,” Kate insisted.
Clay shot back in kind. “You were trying to decide for me.”
“You’re impossible!”
“You’re impossible!”
Scowling deeply, Kate fell into silence. Clay was right… and so was she. They both wanted the best for each other, but weren’t willing to risk each other’s well-being on their own account.
Somehow Clay seemed to know that she had come to the same conclusion. “We’re at an impasse, aren’t we?” he said quietly.
“I guess.” Kate listened to Clay sigh deeply on the other end. “So what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know.” Clay snorted. “Well, I do know that I’m certainly not going to stop praying for you and your brother Andrew!”
Kate smiled weakly, warming at his commitment. “And I won’t stop praying for you. No matter what they threaten, no matter what they do… they can’t take THAT away from us. We’ll always be brother and sister in Christ.”
“Absolutely,” Clay agreed. “And thank you.”
“I thank you.”
Clay sighed again. “I… why don’t we try… taking kind of a hiatus or break from talking with each other? I mean, neither one of us wants to stop the friendship, but neither one of us wants to see the other hurt or exploited. Maybe if we just see what happens, we can make a decision we can both agree on that doesn’t tromp on the other person’s choices.”
“I suppose that’s the best we can hope for.”
“Well…” Clay began, his voice cracking again. “You have my address and my email address. If you need anything, or just want to talk…”
Kate nodded. “Same for you. If you need me…”
Clay sniffled again, loudly. “If you won’t say it, I won’t say it.”
“I don’t want to.”
“That goes for us both,” Clay agreed. “Maybe with any luck I’ll get to see you on tour or something.”
A wry smile turned Kate’s mouth. “Let’s hope for that, as long as you come within driving distance. Unfortunately this is my year to take summer classes. No vacation for this girl.”
“Then let’s hope for within driving distance.”
“Safe travels, Clay.”
The voice chat hung up on Clay’s end, and Kate gazed at the lifeless window for a moment before breaking down into tears that didn’t end for quite some time.
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Since mission work is such a big part of my heroine Kate's life, I am also going to put up a link to the web site for my Haiti 2001 Mission Trip.