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What is a REMF… for me I was a desk jockey most days and a grunt many nights. Many times it was shear boredom… at others shear terror. I extended twice in Nam…. and I am not sure why. I spent 20 months in-country.
And my return home… there was nothing here. The first thing I did once off base was to change into civilian wear… I wanted no-one to know that I was a soldier.. Much less a soldier returning from Nam. I was in the jungle and a couple short days later was in a snow storm. It all changed so fast.
I don't like to tell "war stories." It has been too long. I have spent 30 years disassociating myself from the war, from other veterans, and ultimately from myself. The price has been very high. In my attempt to forget the war, I forgot much. I attempted to hide all feelings, all emotions, and somewhere I almost lost myself.
But the times that still cause the most pain cannot be forgotten.
In 1968 it all came back--and there is no way for me to bury the war again. It is here to stay. It disrupts my nights and overwhelms my days. It is hard to accept that such a short period of my life can have such a devastating effect on me now--thirty years later.
I was not a hero. I was not involved in combat every day. Most days were very routine and boring, only interrupted by shear terror.
I did the job I was given and I did it very well. I have no doubts that my efforts deserve the commendations I received. But those few moments will haunt me the rest of my days.
I am in counseling for PTSD. It is my hope, for me and all my brothers who are suffering too, that somehow we will be able to accept what we have seen and done… but never forget.
It is vital that the next generations understand what happens in war so that they do not follow the same path we followed.
I pray for the next generation of leaders.
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