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The Jokes keep coming from all my friends!
They are never ending so I keep posting them.


Ralph's Medical Problem
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
Fun things to do at Wal-Mart and CREATE EXCITEMENT!
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, "I need some tampons."
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
11. Redress the mannequins as you see fit.
12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
13. Put M&M's on layaway.
14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath
16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with GI Joe vs. the X-Men.
21. Ask other customers if they have any Gray Poupon.
22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
23. Switch the men and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! Pick me!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS DINING OUT
1. WHEN DECANTING WINE, MAKE SURE THAT YOU TILT THE PAPER CUP, AND POUR SLOWLY SO AS NOT TO "BRUISE" THE FRUIT OF THE VINE.
2. IF DRINKING DIRECTLY FROM THE BOTTLE, ALWAYS HOLD IT WITH YOUR FINGERS COVERING THE LABEL.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A CENTERPIECE FOR THE TABLE SHOULD NEVER BE ANYTHING PREPARED BY A TAXIDERMIST.
2. DO NOT ALLOW THE DOG TO EAT AT THE TABLE...NO MATTER HOW GOOD HIS MANNERS ARE.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. WHILE EARS NEED TO BE CLEANED REGULARLY, THIS IS A JOB THAT SHOULD BE DONE IN PRIVATE USING ONE'S OWN TRUCK KEYS.
2. PROPER USE OF TOILETRIES CAN FORESTALL BATHING FOR SEVERAL DAYS. HOWEVER, IF YOU LIVE ALONE, DEODORANT IS A WASTE OF GOOD MONEY.
3. DIRT AND GREASE UNDER THE FINGERNAILS IS A SOCIAL NO-NO, AS THEY TEND TO DETRACT FROM A WOMAN'S JEWELRY AND ALTER THE TASTE OF FINGER FOODS.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. ALWAYS OFFER TO BAIT YOUR DATE'S HOOK ESPECIALLY ON THE FIRST DATE
2. BE AGGRESSIVE. LET HER KNOW YOU'RE INTERESTED: "I'VE BEEN WANTING TO GO OUT WITH YOU SINCE I READ THAT STUFF ON THE BATHROOM WALL TWO YEARS AGO.
3. ESTABLISH WITH HER PARENTS WHAT TIME SHE IS EXPECTED BACK. SOME WILL SAY 10:00 PM; OTHERS MIGHT SAY "MONDAY" IF THE LATTER IS THE ANSWER, IT IS THE MAN'S RESPONSIBILITY TO GET HER TO SCHOOL ON TIME
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. CRYING BABIES SHOULD BE TAKEN TO THE LOBBY AND PICKED UP IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE MOVIE HAS ENDED.
2. REFRAIN FROM TALKING TO CHARACTERS ON THE SCREEN. TESTS HAVE PROVEN THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU.
WEDDINGS
1. LIVESTOCK, USUALLY IS A POOR CHOICE FOR A WEDDING GIFT.
2. KISSING THE BRIDE FOR MORE THAN 5 SECONDS MAY GET YOU SHOT.
3. FOR THE GROOM, AT LEAST RENT A TUX. A LEISURE SUIT WITH A CUMMERBUND AND A CLEAN BOWLING SHIRT CAN CREATE A TACKY APPEARANCE.
4. THOUGH UNCOMFORTABLE, SAY " YES" TO SOCKS AND SHOES FOR THIS SPECIAL OCCASION.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. DIM YOUR HEADLIGHTS FOR APPROACHING VEHICLES; EVEN IF THE GUN IS LOADED, AND THE DEER IS IN SIGHT.
2 WHEN APPROACHING A FOUR-WAY STOP, THE VEHICLE WITH THE LARGEST TIRES ALWAYS HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY.
3. NEVER TOW ANOTHER CAR USING PANTY HOSES AND DUCT TAPE.
4. WHEN SENDING YOUR WIFE DOWN THE ROAD WITH A GAS CAN IT IS IMPOLITE TO ASK HER TO BRING BACK BEER.
5. NEVER RELIEVE YOURSELF FROM A MOVING VEHICLE, ESPECIALLY WHENDRIVING.
6. DO NOT LAY RUBBER WHILE TRAVELING IN A FUNERAL PROCESSION.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS.
1. NEVER TAKE A BEER TO A JOB INTERVIEW
2. ALWAYS IDENTIFY PEOPLE IN YOUR YARD BEFORE SHOOTING AT THEM
3. IT'S CONSIDERED TACKY TO TAKE A COOLER TO CHURCH
4. IF YOU HAVE TO VACUUM THE BED, IT IS TIME TO CHANGE THE SHEETS.
5. EVEN IF YOU'RE CERTAIN THAT YOU ARE INCLUDED IN THE WILL, IT IS STILL CONSIDERED TACKY TO DRIVE A U-HAUL TO THE FUNERAL HOMES.
Subject: TV Advertising by Anonymous And I do so think that the author of this should not remain anonymous....
TV Advertising
Languishing in bed last week with a bad cold, I spent four days in the company of Oprah and Maury Povitch and General Hospital. I was astonished to discover that most daytime TV commercials have one clear message: Women leak, dribble, and smell. They're overweight and they're constipated. Women have dandruff, split ends, bad breath, and bad breasts; both the under -- and -- over -- endowed require special bras. Apparently women must buff, douche, diet, gargle, and primp constantly if they want to overcome their basic vileness.
Then I thought, maybe men get the same messages when they watch their programs. Maybe advertising during sporting events is geared toward products that men need to make them socially acceptable. So I turned on a golf tournament and spent an hour and 12 minutes watching the commercials. Evidently men are fine just the way they are. They have a small problem with weight gain and graying hair, but mainly they are handsome, playful, and successful. They get to go fishing with their buddies, using leaves for toilet paper. They could probably come home from their trip and hop right into the sack for a romantic encounter and think they were just fine. No rushing off to shower or spray here. Around this time I needed to get some cough syrup. The first thing I noticed when I got to the drugstore was a huge sign, "Fem. Hygiene," hanging Above an aisle filled with thousands of products designed for women's special needs. There were a variety of pads in a multitude of shapes for heavy periods, light periods, and bladder control, as well as for women who want to feel fresh all day. There were yeast-infection medications, vaginal deodorants, vaginal lubricants, douches, personal towelettes, pregnancy tests, and germicides to do away with feminine odor. There were laxatives, hemorrhoid creams, and gas-relief tablets. I looked all over, but there was no aisle for "Male Hygiene." Now, I've been around enough men to know that some of them could use piddle pads and penis towelettes and deodorants, products for crabs and crotch rot and athlete's foot and gas, so I couldn't understand why the drugstore didn't at least label the aisle "Fem./Male. Hygiene." The closest I came to anything specifically targeted to men was a large display of condoms next to a shelf of K-Y jelly. The packages for feminine products usually featured a woman in a gauzy dress running through a meadow full of spring flowers (daisies were very popular) as her sparkling clean hair billowed behind her. I found myself attracted to a vaginal moisturizer that had a picture of a peaceful little water lily floating on a pond. "Do you know how to use this?" the male pharmacist asked in what I thought was a particularly loud tone. "Of course," I replied, certain that everyone in line was staring at me. As it turned out, I couldn't even figure out how to open it. It was one seamless plastic entity. I tried twisting it. I tried cutting it with garden shears. I gnawed at it with my teeth and finally threw it in the trash. I was so angry that I called the manufacturer's toll-free hot line, which I'd seen advertised on TV, and complained to the customer, service representative. She told me I was trying to open the wrong end and that all I had to do was twist off a piece of plastic at the bottom. Now that would be a peculiar job, I thought, to spend your days answering questions about vaginal moisturizers. I wondered if men have an 800 number they can call to get information on crotch rot. I imagined a TV commercial-a really clean guy fishing in a meadow stream, surrounded by daisies, with a deep voice intoning: "This cream is made specially for men's tender tissues. Call 1-800-JOCKROT for sensitive answers to your intimate questions about male hygiene." Then I pictured the forlorn Jockrot representative, waiting like a Maytag repairman for the telephone to ring. It never does.
"Whatever happened to playing a hunch, Scully?
The element of surprise? Random acts of unpredictability? We fail to anticipate the unforeseen or expect the unexpected in a universe of infinite possibilities. We may find ourselves at the mercy of anyone or anything that cannot be programmed, categorized or easily referenced." Fox Mulder, The X-Files.
IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN
Dear Abbie:
Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay?
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
"The important things in life are always simple; the simple things are always hard."
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN CLEVELAND IF
You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood.
You know you don't really have an accent, the rest of the world does.
You hear there are always famous people in town, but you have never seen one.
You hate country music, don't know anyone that does likes country music, and yet WGAR just won the country music station of the year. You find it hard to believe that someone as cool as Tom Hanks made his start here. But you'd brag about it.
You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away.
The Tri-C jingle "students for life" scares the hell out of you.
You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath.
Your neighborhood schools went without sports because all the senior citizens refused to pass the levies.
You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga.
You can't tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, or Old Brooklyn apart. You see Christmas lights still up in July.
You love BW-3, but have no clue what week it is.
You find yourself singing "Garfield 1-2323" in the shower.
You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City.
You have never ridden in a taxi.
You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can.
You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the mile long stretch of a suburb named Lindale.
You have only been to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame once or maybe never t all!
You have no idea how exactly to get to the Flats; you just end up on a bank and start partying.
You know who the Jake really is.
You hate Baltimore and you have never been there. St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and you aren't Irish.
You're still relishing 1987 when we ALMOST made it to the Super bowl.
You are counting down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999 when the Browns come back.
You heard Bill Clinton and Drew Carey love Parma Pierogies, but you have yet to ever eat there.
You know Tower City isn't a city at all.
You're Polish.
At least half of your wardrobe is Tribe apparel.
WILD TRIVIA
Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"
It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. (The other 65% want to be. The grass is always greener...)
There is an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
Pound for pound (kilo for kilo); hamburgers cost more than new cars.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. (Except in Seinfeld)
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
(P.S. To the leaders on India: If you wanted to really show strength, you should of come up with some way to create a manmade hurricane Now THAT would be one heck-of-a accomplishment)
Averages life span of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. (Celery - What where they thinking?)
Ambidextrous
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects.
1 A certifiable medical excuse
2. A death in the student's immediate family
A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "what about extreme sexual exhaustion?" As expected this caused an explosion of laughter. After the class settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn to write with your other hand."
An Indian walks into a whorehouse and throws a bag of money on the counter and says, "me want pussy."
The woman working the counter decides that she wants to have a little fun with him, and tells him that he must first fuck the big oak tree on the hill. The Indian replies, "me no want tree, me want pussy." "Sorry," the lady replies, "those are the rules." The Indian goes up to the hill and fucks the big oak tree. The next day the Indian returns to the whorehouse with two bags of money and demands some pussy. The woman tell him that he must fuck the tree two more times and then he can have all the pussy he wants. The Indian does as she says and returns the next day. When he returns, the woman tells him to go to room 302 on the third floor. About 5 minutes later, the woman hears screaming. She runs up to the first floor, nothing. She runs up to the second floor, nothing. She runs up to the third floor and sure enough, the noise is coming from room 302. The woman rushes in to see the Indian cramming a broom handling up the prostitute's cunt. The woman says, "What the hell are you doing? 1" The Indian replies, "Me check for bees!"
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired.
They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left; there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered.
A couple who has been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the following conversation takes place.
She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?" He: "That's a morbid question!" She: "No, I really want to know." He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might remarry." She: "Would she live in our house?" He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really expect me to move?" She: "Would she wear my mink coat?" He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want me to sell it for a loss?" She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?" He: "No. Absolutely not. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift!"
A blind bunny rabbit and a blind snake were born into this world.
Fate being what it was, the two crossed paths one day in a vegetable garden. "You know, all my life, I've wondered what I was", said the snake. "I don't know since I can't see anything." "I've wondered the same thing", said the rabbit. "Maybe together we can figure out who we are." "Ok", said the snake. So he curled up around the bunny rabbit and began to sniff and prod and stroke the bunny. "Hmmm, you're small, and soft, and warm and furry", said the snake, "and you have big ears and a bushy tail." The snake thought for a moment. "I know, you must be a rabbit!" "Oh thank you thank you!" said the bunny, "Now let me help you." So the bunny rabbit started sniffing at the snake, pausing to stroke him with his paws. "Well let's see. You're long and cold and slimy and have a forked tongue. You have scales.... I know, you must be a lawyer!"
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".
An Eskimo was having problems with his car, so he decided to take it to a mechanic.
After examining the engine, the mechanic reported the problem. "Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic told the Eskimo. "Nope," said the Eskimo, "that's just frost in my mustache."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself.
He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says, "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does. He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
So he quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "no, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok."
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street.
SO...
Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry Hon, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
And the kid says "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars"
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell." "You must have done something bad to get that money.
I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
SO...
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "now let's not start THAT shit again..."
Sign of the times A sign over the men's toilet at the bar reads: "We aim to please - you aim too please."
Change is not always good
Drunk walks into the bar. Tells the bartender he has to go to the bathroom. Bartender points the way, and the drunk staggers off into the can. Comes back a few seconds later, "Hey", he shouts, "Dar ain't no toilet paper in DAT bathroom!"
Bartender says, "Well, I suggest you use a dollar."
Drunk says "Hey good idea" and staggers back into the can.
Drunk was in there for a long time. When he finally returns, both hands are covered in shit right up to the elbows.
"What happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Hell" answers the drunk; "you ever try wiping you ass with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel?"
Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender.
Reaching into his pants pocket, we pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges.Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket.Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says, "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy. Once more the little man appears from the guys shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket. Bartender says "explain yourself, or leave. "Guy says "Well.... I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes! So the first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred-dollar bill! Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beautiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!" "Third wish...I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!"
These two guys walk into a bar and start taking shots of whiskey.
After about four shots they start disputing over who has the larger penis. They decide to whip them out onto the bar. About that time a gay guy comes walking right up between them. He say's to the bartender "I'll have the chicken wings," then looking down at the bar turns to the bartender again and say's "Nevermind... I'll just have the buffet!"
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking
One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her. "After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee shirt, she could go fuck herself."
I can't get up
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunken man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool. Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunken man. After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunken man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home. "The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question... Where's his wheelchair?"
Quitting
A group of fellows were out drinking one night, when one poor slob, grievously over served, passes out. His pals are laughing at his immoderation, and one even peels the label off his beer bottle and sticks it on the poor chap's forehead. An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch, and thinks..."OH MAN! I better get home NOW!" He hadn't even gone a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his rear view mirror. "Oh DAMN!" he says, as he pulls over. The officer walks up, looks in, and shakes his head. "Sir...have you been drinking?" "Well, I had one or two," with a slurred reply. Disgusted, the cop says, "Why, sir, do you have a Budweiser label on your FACE?" The fellow looks at himself in the mirror..."Oh NO!" he mutters," Those BASTARDS!" His mind racing, he suddenly smiles, looks at the cop and says, "Oh THIS? Well, you see, I am trying to quit drinking, and my doctor gave me this PATCH!"
An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other.
He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards. The dumbfounded bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey eat pussy and shoot the shit."
A guy has to take a crap really bad
So he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?"
A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls."
A gay guy in the corner goes "MOOOOOOO!"
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks, "who wants to play Bar Room Football?"
The bartender asks, "what is Bar Room Football?" The guy says, "I'll show you." He takes a mug of beer and he says "to get a touchdown, you have to chug down the entire mug of beer at once" and he does it. He then says, "to get the extra point, you then have to pull down your pants and fart," and he does it. He then says, "does anyone want to play?" A gay fellow who was sitting in the corner says, "I'd like to play" so the game begins. The guy chugs the beer then pulls down his pants and as he is about to fart, the gay pulls down his pants and rams his penis in the guy's ass and begins to shout, "block that kick, block that kick"
TWO LITTLE BOYS ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM, WATCHING TV WITH THEIR PARENTS.
THE MOTHER LOOKS OVER AT THE FATHER WITH A WINK AND HEAD TOWARD UPSTAIRS. THE FATHER "GETS" THE MESSAGE AND THEY BOTH GET UP AND HEAD TOWARDS THE STAIRS. THE MOTHER TURNS BACK TO THE 2 BOYS AND SAYS, "WE'RE GOING UPSTAIRS FOR A MINUTE. YOU TWO STAY HERE AND WATCH TV. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OK?" THE TWO BOYS NOD OK, AND THE PARENTS TAKE OFF UPSTAIRS. THE OLDEST OF THE 2 BOYS IS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON NOW, AND HE GETS UP AND TIPTOES UPSTAIRS. AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, HE PEEKS INTO HIS MOM AND DAD'S ROOM AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. BACK DOWNSTAIRS HE GOES BACK TO HIS LITTLE BROTHER. "COME WITH ME," HE SAYS. THE TWO LITTLE BOYS TIPTOE UP THE STAIRS. HALFWAY UP, THE OLDER BROTHER SAYS TO THE YOUNGER BROTHER, "NOW I WANT YOU TO KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN WHO USED TO BUST OUR ASSES FOR SUCKING OUR THUMB."
If man evolved from apes -- why do we still have apes?
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman to hear him. Is he still wrong? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was, She said if she told me, -- it would defeat the purpose.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide. Is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? Should crematoriums give discounts to families of burn victims? Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"? Isn't it scary that doctors [and Lawyers] call what they do "practice"? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? And to end this sillyness would a wingless fly be called a walk? "Deep Thoughts!"
LORD SPOKE TO NOAH
The Lord spoke to Noah and said: 'In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.' And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. 'OK,' said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. 'Six months, and it starts to rain,' thundered the Lord. 'You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.' And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. 'Noah,' shouted the Lord, 'where is my Ark?' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. 'Lord, please forgive me!' begged Noah. 'I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,' Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. 'You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?' Noah asked, hopefully. 'No,' said the Lord sadly, 'Government already has.'
A little girl is in line to see Santa.
When it is her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and GI Joe" Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No", said the little girl "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken"
What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night.
When all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Pussy!" The old man says: "I just stick to the soup."
Penis Names
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink. When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'just do It. 'That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex." The thirsty customer asks, "why Timex?" The man proudly replies, "cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the man on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because quality is job one." Then he adds, have you driven a Ford, lately? " Even more shaken!
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