CUSTOM INSTALLATIONS JOKE COLLECTION !
A little kid walks in on his parents having sex.
He says, What are you both doing?
His mom says, Well I was just letting the air out of your dad, and you know how fat he is.
The kid says, Why the lady next door is just going to blow him up again!
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, Daddy, what's sex?
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, men's sperms and women's eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams, and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: So what did you want to know about sex for?
Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of minutes!
This man went to the doctor because he had a problem.
The doctor asked him what was wrong and the man said his dick was orange. So the doctor ran all the normal tests on him to see what was wrong. The doctor did not find any thing wrong with the man so the doctor asked the man if he lived next to a waste dump. The man said NO. Then the doctor asked him if he handled any toxic chemicals at work. Again the man said, NO he didn't have a job. So the doctor asks him what he did all day long and the man said, I just sit around, watch the Playboy Channel, and Eat some CHEETOS.
A little old lady went into the Bank one day
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because,she has a lot of money! The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000! dollars and dumped the cash on his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, Ma'am, where did you get this money? The old lady replied, I make you a bet.
The president then asked, Bet? What kind of bet? The old woman said, Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square. Ha Ha! he laughed! Then the president, said that's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet! The old lady challenged. So, would you like to take my bet? Sure, said the president. I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!
The old lady said, Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness? Sure! he replied with confidences. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: $25,000 says the president's balls are square! The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, Okay, said the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure. Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, What wrong with your lawyer?
She replied, Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!
For a better understanding of the common computer related terms used in this modern age. Here is an explanation of some of these terms, that follows:
(Feel free to print this out and keep it handy for ready reference.)
1. Sate-of-the-art- Any computer you can't afford.
2. Obsolete- Any computer you own.
3. Microsecond- The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
4. G3- Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, three times faster then the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
5. Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
6. Hard Drive- The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
7. GUI- What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
8. Keyboard- The standard way to generate computer errors.
9. Mouse- an advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
10. Floppy- The sate of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
11. Portable Computer- A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
12. Disk Crash- A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
13. Power User- Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
14. System Update- A quick method of trashing All of your software.

Now you'll all think twice about calling the help Desk...
This is a true story (maybe) from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired. However; he/she is currently suing the word perfect organization for Termination without Cause.
Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect customer support employee:
Ride hall computer assistant; may I help you ?
Yes, well; I'm having trouble with Word perfect.
What sort of trouble ?
Well; I was just typing along and all of a sudden, the words went away.
Went away ?
They disappeared, Hum, so what does your screen look like now ?
Nothing.
Nothing ?
It's blank; it does not accept anything when I type.
Are you still in word perfect, or did you get out of it ?
How do I tell ?
Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen ?
What's a C:\ prompt ?
Never mind. can you move the cursor around on the screen ?
There isn't a cursor: I told you; it does not accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator light on ?
What's a monitor ?
It's the thing with the screen on it, that looks like a TV. does it have a little light on that tells you when it's on ?
I don't know.
Well; then look on the back of the monitor, and find where the power cord goes into it, can you see the cord ?
Yes; I think so.
Great, follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall ?
(Pause), yes; it is.
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it; not just the one ?
No!
Well; there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
(Pause), okay; here it is.
Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
I can't reach!
Well, can you see if it is ?
No!
Not even if you maybe put your knee on something, and lean way over ?
Oh; it's not because I don't have the right angle; it's dark.
Dark ?
Yes; the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well; turn the office light on!
I can't!
No ?
Why not ?
Because there's a power outage.
A power outage ? Ah! Okay; we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes, manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in ?
Well; yes: I keep them in the closet.
Good. go and get them. unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. then take it back to the store that you bought it from.
Really ? Is it that bad ?
Yes; I'm afraid that it is.
Well; alright then; I suppose, what do I tell them ?
Tell them that you're too fucking stupid to own a computer !!!
Hum Stop or Slow Down (June, 26 1998)
A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign,
May I see your driver's license and registration please?
What the problem, officer?
Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.
Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me.
Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.
You gotta be kidding me!
It's no joke, sir.
Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.
That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and . . .
You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?
Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!
I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.
The police officer had enough. Sir, I can do better than that. He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?
The God Father
The Godfather calls his clan in for a meeting and asks each a question.
Luigi, what is 4+4?
Luigi answers, 6.
The Godfather says, Ok.
Rocco, the Godfather asks, what is 3+3?
Rocco answers, 7.
Very good, says the Godfather.
Now Joseph, what is 5+5? queries the Godfather.
Joseph answers, 10, and the Godfather shoots him.
Why did you do that? asks the others.
The Godfather replies, He knew too much.
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world.
The man who wrote the song Hokey Pokey died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put left leg in and.... well you know the rest.
A couple was checking out of the hotel after their honeymoon.
When the bill was presented an argument occurred. What is this item, $200.00 dollars for the meal? inquired the groom, we have never eaten in your dining room. All I had was a beer in the suite, with eggs that I brought with me. Yes, sir replied by the manager, but the wedding package included meals and the food that was there for you. If you didn't take them, it's not our fault. In that case, retorted by the groom, we are even, completely even. Because you owe me $200.00 dollars for making love to my wife!!! But, I never touched your wife! protested the manager. Well, she was there for you, said the groom. If you didn't use her, it's not my fault!!
There was a city boy who had just moved into the country.
He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for.
The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, Here you go, one cock and one pull-it. The city boy confused asked him what he meant. The farmer said, A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken. The city boy said, Oh, and went on his way with two chickens, one under each arm.
A little further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was. The man said, the ass is 15 dollars. The city boy replied, No, I want the donkey out side in your yard. The man just said, That's an ass. The city boy, new to these terms, just said, oh, and bought the donkey.
As he was leaving the man yelled out, Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again. So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.
The city boy thinks, hey why not and try to impress this beautiful woman by using the new slang terms that he learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says,
Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?
There was a looser who couldn't get a date!.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, it's simple, I just say, I'm a lawyer.
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, oh! you're a lawyer? He said why yes I am, so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already fucking someone!
There was a guy who got in to an elevator with very large man.
The large man said, I'm 7 feet 3 inches, 350 pounds, with a 20 inch penis, a right nut of 3 pounds and a left nut of 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown.
All the sudden the little guy fainted. When he was awakes again he asked, what did you say?
The guy repeated, 7-3, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, right nut 3 pounds, left nut 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown.
Oh, said the little guy, I thought you said turn around!
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first guy says his favorite position is sex-ala-rodeo.
The other guy asks what position is that, and how to do it?
The first guy says, you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
The 80 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the Doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Doctor talked to the man and said, You're really doing great, aren't you?
The man replied, Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.
The Doctor said, I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
And one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. On TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed me and you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, and what I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling? The time you felt me move was because you far ted and I was trying to breathe.
Subject: Football Mania
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl Game from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He's closer to the Good year blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field; right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, Excuse me, is anyone sitting here? The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it? The man replies,
Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to have come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967. Well, that's really sad, says Bob, but still, couldn't you found someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?
No, the man replies, they are all at the funeral!

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