OKAY, So this bunch of songs needs some  MAJOR explaining. So okay, I was... NO. I'm starting over. My friends and I decided to form one of those club thingies on yahoo. My friends are weird just like me, or else how would they put up with me, right? So we have a message board with plenty of strange (pronounce sta-range) posts about strange things. Like salmon smolt (smolts?), edible shoelaces, and goats with wheels for legs and feet rolling down hills. SO...

The Vegetable wars were spurred by the post of "Give peas a chance!!".

Related messages are posted along with the songs to give the reader a better understanding of the true meaning of these patriotic hymn-like melodies.  *Snort*. Messages in green, songs in white. [Man, Irma is too good at coming up with cool stuff like this.]

Lettuce:I'll tell you what's with giving peas a chance, it's wrong! They dont deserve a chance. They are a second class vegetable. They take of valuable space that stores could use to put lettuce. Now lettuce, thats a good vegetable...

Damn peas....

Peas:*Sandy walks up, dressed in green, heavy asian accent* I say to you! I am leader of peas! LEADER! Don't talk back to me, insolent scum (pronounced eensolant scum)!!!! You cannot damn the peas! We will rise above! We are better than the lettuce! We are better than ALL! Come, my round and green brethren! We will bludgeon anyone who stands in our way with our frozen pea selves! TO VICTORY!!!! (Zapata they shot my horse too)

Lettuce:Little do you all know, but the lettuce party (LP) has teamed up with the Legume Alliance (LA) and have formed the Legume Alliance Pea Defense (LAPD). Thusly Sandy, you AND YOUR COMMIE PINKO PEA FRIENDS are going to be beaten by the LAPD! HAHAHHAHAH! No one can stop the LAPD.....

Peas:Oh man.  I just remembered... Peeeeaaaas are the champions... my friends and I... Peaaaaas will be fighting to the eeeeend... peaaaas are the champions... noooo tiiiime for caaaarrooots cuz peeeaaaas are the champions... So HA! We even have a song. (Actually, one of my campers was singing this...) Do YOUUUUU have a song? Huh? Huh?

Lettuce:Ok, now it's on:

Ladies and Gentlemen of Jello and Forks, I proudly present her majestey's royal orchestra and myself singing Peas Go Squish Rhapsody.

(To the tune of the lively fast part in Queen's Bohemian Rhaspody)

I see the silhoute of a pea

They go squish, They go squish on the floor and the walls
Stompy Stompy Lightly, very very quietly, SQUISH

LAPD
LAPD
LAPD
LAPD
LAPD here we go
SQUISHEOOOOOO

Peas are really ugly, nobody likes them
They are really ugly, they have no friends, should we spare them their lives or go squishy
Easy come, Easy go, please, no squishy no
No Peas no, gonna stomp you in the floor
Let them go?
No peas, no, gonna stomp you in the floor
Let them go?
No peas, no, gonna stomp you in the floo'
let them go?
Stomp em in the floor!
Let them go?
Stomp them in the flo-o-o-o-o-oooooooooor!
oh mama-mia, mama-mia?
Mama-mia destroy some more!
Lettuce rules and is wearing combat boots for peas, for peas for Peeeeeeeeeeaaaaas

Peas:Okay... Now I have TWO songs! TWO! Yeah that's right TWO.

(to the theme of "America" from "West Side Story")

Peas will win, peas will win, lettuce sucks
Peas will win, peas will win, lettuce sucks,
LAPD will lose sad for you,
Peas will win, peas will win, you are throuuuuugh...

(To the HP fight song. Yes I know)

Stand up, bear arms and gear
For peas like black-eye
March on to victory
The lettuce will die (RIP! SLASH! CHOP!)
Peas scream for Lettuce blood
That's chlorophyl
With a c-u-i-s-i-n-e-art
Conquer them we will!

Ohhh you like the taste of that? Yo plumber likes the taste of that!!!! Please disregard those last couple of statements. Peas and Peas Incorporated did not authorize those last statements, but could not edit them due to the insistance of the songwriter that those statements were indeed part of the song. Those statements do not necessarily reflect the feelings of those at Peas and Peas Inc. Thank you, and remember to chop lettuce responsibly.

Lettuce: Dude, I AM a cuisineart, now wait, I am THE cuisineart. That so beats your song.... So Boo Ya!

(To the tune of Smack My Bitch up by prodigy)

Change the peas up
Smack the peas up
Change the peas up
Smack the peas up

*techno interlude*

Change the peas up
Smack the peas up
Change the peas up
Smack the peas up

*bridge*

Smack the peas up

*Techno interlude*
Change the peas up
Smack the peas up

*Cool techno ending*

Song Two (To the theme of loch lomond)

We are the lettuce
and We are the legumes
and we will squish all the peas
With our big stomping boots
and our big sledge hammers
we'll beat them in to a green pulp

Neutral Third Party: ...One needn't be concerned about fighting over the differences between peas and lettuce because I say to you they are actually the same. They are both variations of green. There are lots of types of green.

peas=small rolled up green
Lettuce=flattened green
grass=green through paper shredder
leaves=Out of reach green

Lettuce: Dave, dont you remember the basic principle that America and the rest of the world is based off? All green is equal, but some green is more equal than others. Lettuce is clearly far more equal than peas, and those peas should be eliminated like the inferior green product that they are. Long live lettuce!

Peas:

(To the tune of BYE BYE BYE)

We're shredding you tonight
You're surely gonna lose this fight
Peas are gonna win hey baby come on
We're singing you this ballad
Cuz now you're gonna be salad
Now it's time to die, game over, you're gone
Peas aren't gonna take no more, ain't no lie
LAPD get ready to DIE DIE DIEEEEE
(die die die) I'm shredding you I know for sure
I'm the reason you exist no more
You may hate me but it ain't no lie baby die die dieeee
(die die die) We're sick and we're tired enough
We're not gonna be the losers cuz we're the *ahem* stuff
We're going crazy and it ain't no lie baby die die dieeeeee...

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