Hey you assholes. Here is your first friggin' newsletter. If you detect a note of sourness, it's probably because if you really want to read an accurate newsletter describing this league, you might as well pick up any letter from last year. That's because early indications are that once again, we are being dominated by the King Beaverslapper himself, Rick. Rick blew the rest of us away for the period's first $40 and things don't seem to be slowing down. Let's take a look at our teams a month into the season:

1st: Beaver Slappers-- Rick's team wound up the first period 3-1 with 182 points, 45 in front of the next guy. Those of us that know Rick pretty well are astonished that he has the skills necessary to put such an assortment of talent together. His forwards roster reads like the league leader's board with Forsberg, Selanne, Gretzky, Palffy and Yashin. WIth Chelios and Jovo anchoring the defense, Rick appears to have no weak links. It's time for us to root for a slew of torn ACL's.

2nd: Free Radicals-- Also like last year, Brett is in second again. This is nice accomplishment considering his top gun at each position has been hampered by an injury (Bourque and Lindros). Brett's main concern might be that even though we are only about a sixth of the way through the season, he has made 6 of his 15 moves. This could leave him vulnerable during the playoffs if he keeps pulling the trigger on moves and eventually runs out.

3rd: Ice Dogs-- Like Brett, Grant is 2-1-1 and off to a pretty good start. This is probably good for the rest of us because I'm sure he'll stay on top of everything more if he's got a good squad. And quit freaking asking me when he's going to post the shit to the Internet! I think it's every Tuesday night or Wednesday. Anyway, Grant's weak link may be his defense which is led by Coffey, so Grant should probably hope for a trade. Grant's forwards our strong, though, led by the NHL's leading scorer Sakic.

4th: Cougars-- Tom is determined to not be just another Smartie Artie's whipping boy. Tom's "draft from the magazine" strategy seemed to have worked well. He should, however, considering buying Darrin a beer for picking number 2 in the draft. If Darrin picked 3 or higher, Tom would have Theo as his number 1 guy, but instead he's got Jagr and Fleury. On defense, McInnis is the only star on a crop that is the league's lowest scoring. Other than defense, Tom's biggest problem is that he regrets his team's name and is currently petitioning the league for the right to change his name to another cool animal.

5th: 12 Monkeys: It looks to me like monkeys might have drafted this team's forwards. Tony's forwards are easisly the worst in the league at this point with 68 points. As a service to Tony, I will tell him here that Claude Lemieux abdomen fell out in a recent game and he is out for a couple months. Thus, a move may be in order. Not surprisingly, Tony's strategy of focusing on defensemen paid off for his D, as they lead the league with 40 points led by Ozolinsh and Desjardins. Trades are permitted and encouraged in this league and here might be a trade waiting to happen.

6th: Fargon Iceholes: Despite being tied with the Monkeys for lowest total points, Rob's World Cup boys are 2-2. This is pretty good for Rob since he has very little time to spend on his team and has to ask every time he sees me how they are doing? See Coach Organ has spread himself a little thin this year managing 17 fantasy football teams, 9 fantasy hockey teams, 3 fantasy golf teams and 1 fantasy water polo squad. Like a mother bird whose baby has fallen from a nest, Rob drafts his team and leaves them fight and survive on their own. This team might get better, though, now that Kariya is back and Tkachuk is now playing with Roenick. But since Rob doesn't pay attention to what the hell is going on, maybe we should all just agree to tell him he lost every week.

7th: The Plaindrifters: Rich is a tough 1-3, seeing how he is 3rd in total points. Rich, I'm sure is encouraged by his start after a tough year last season when only Dave Schlessinger and Chris Reilly could keep him out of the cellar. Rich's forward look pretty good and seem to get a helluva lot of assists (i.e Doug Weight 0 g, 12 a). However, Mogilny and Oates should help to carry this Weight (pun intended).

8th: Tortured Souls: I am clearly the best last place team in Fantasy League history. Like Rich, I am off to a slow start as far as record (1-3) is concerned, but I am fourth overall in points. With guys like Ferraro, Daze and Karcrashpotsev leading the way, you should all fear me. Seriously Modano and Alfredsson look strong, but with Lemieux and Nedved on my squad, I need Grampa Munster to turn the pathetic Penguins around.

Later and Good luck to all in the 2nd period.

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Standings and total points

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Player scoring rankings
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