...150802, 1424hr, central time...

my mom is ill. and my family didn't tell me anything about at all, until today. dad says he didn't want to tell me, until her operation's already over. and i'm pretty upset about it.

i probably shouldn't worry, since dad says the surgery went well, and her recovery seems smooth. both my brothers are also in singapore, she's staying in nuh, in good hands, i hope i can assume. i know dad will take very good care of mom, but still.

i still worry, and they should have known that no matter when they tell me about it, i will still worry anyway, so why didn't they tell me earlier? i don't mean to sound like i'm jinx-ing my mom, but what if the operation didn't go well? are they gonna give me an emergency phonecall to get me to fly home immediately or something? i wasn't doing anything particularly important, i should have been home for my mom, but they didn't tell me, so here i am, taking care of other people, worrying for other people's moms, taking care of other people's things. it just feels so wrong. this isn't acceptable behavior, they should have told me.

i don't know why i'm crying. from fear of losing my mom, or from anger of being excluded? or maybe i'm being angry with myself. the more i think about it, the more i realize i've been so self-absorbed with my own life, my own things and my own supposed worries, the past weeks. just yesterday, i was going to write an entry about alvin again. i should have called home more often, so they may at least feel more at ease with talking to me like a usual family member, rather than a far-away one. i shouldn't have made them worry about my silly injuries and about stupid alvin. there's nothing more important than family, and i'm thinking perhaps from all my whining they weren't sure i knew that, so they didn't feel that mom's illness important enough to tell me? i am so angry, really i am. but i don't know who to be angry with.

i can't call home, because the phone here in the guys' apartment apparently cannot dial 1800 numbers, i'll have to find some other phone outside to use or something. it's also too late to call now, assuming mom's already asleep.

it breaks my heart, to imagine my mom lying in a hospital bed. and i'm not there.

what should i do?