...020802, 1250hr, central time...

yesterday was my birthday. possibly the most lonely birthday i've ever had.

i had 2 exams yesterday, both of which weren't impossible to do, but for some reason i was quite demoralized after the exams. i didn't really want to celebrate my birthday with anyone here on uiuc, particularly since some of them still have exams today and it seems selfish of me to demand attention from these poor people who still have to study. it's just a birthday, really, it's only important to me, no one else should need to humor me.

but i didn't want to be feeling miserable either, so i made plans for a fun-filled day, for myself. after my exams, i was supposed to go walk around campus, and basically take a break from everything. i wanted to lie and read on the quad, drink bubble at evo, go buy some presents for my japanese email-pals. i even brought my digital camera out, to photo-document my day.

alas, after the last exam, which turned out to be more difficult than i thought it was going to be, i walked my friend home, and realized that she lived closer to me than i thought. so i went home instead, i thought it'll be okay, if i just take a short nap, and then go out again later. of course i didn't go out after that, it went downhill from there.

i don't know what was wrong with me, i took a really really long nap. when i woke up, it was already night. i was lying there in bed, eyes wide open, staring into the darkness and i didn't want to get up anymore. it hasn't been a fun day at all, and i really wanted to make it special, to compensate for the sadness i had in me, i wanted to prove that i could still create a fun birthday for myself. but there wasn't anymore daylight, i didn't know what else to do, i couldn't go reading on the quad anymore, i didn't want to go to evo at night, i've let myself down. there were only two pictures in my digital camera, i failed again. and i knew why i failed - i guess i wanted to stay sad. it seemed inappropriate, to artificially create happiness for myself just because it's my birthday. i felt almost like i was obliged to be happy on my birthday, and i was resisting it. silly, isn't it? i'd rather continue lying in bed, and silently let time pass, till my birthday is over. i don't know how i can explain it, but i figured, maybe if i didn't move, i wouldn't feel worse than i already did.

i finally got up though, it took so much energy, to shove aside the heaviness in my chest, to make myself sit up and to ignore the temptation to continue moping. i didn't feel worse, but i didn't feel any better either.

at the end, it took two phonecalls to completely save my birthday.

the first was from poach, who never fails to make me laugh, and who always encourages me to cheer up. i don't even remember what we talked about, i was just thankful she called. the second was from jinghua, we didn't talk for long at all, but he's promised me a letter, so i can continue to be tortured by his horrendous handwriting. hahaha...there's something heart-warming about hearing my friends' voices on the phone, excited to be talking to me. i never realized how cold written words are, compared to spoken words. of course i appreciate all the birthday wishes in the form of ecards, emails, icq messages, but those cannot be compared to the way the darkness and emptiness of my room fades into the background the moment i recognize my friends' voices on the phone. it's just different. i wasn't completely alone, on my birthday, thankfully.

anyway, here are the pictures i took. i finally took more pictures this morning, to highlight the important parts of the friday that was my birthday. captions when you move your mouse over the picture, click to see bigger picture if you really want to scrutinize them: