...280702, 1537hr, central time...

i took the past two days off. off trying to move forward, i was quite content being sad, being unsettled, if that makes sense. it's like trying to push a rock up the hill or something, i've been aggressively trying so hard the past weeks, i guess i hit something, the rock jammed, and i got very frustrated trying to move on again. so then i let it slip. i don't know i hit the bottom of the valley, but what i know is, now i'm all ready to push again. letting the rock slip down a little, perhaps it's come unstuck.

i have a lot of anger in me, i realize. as scary as it sounds. i also have a lot of grief. and when you put the two of them together, you get a messed up cindy who doesn't know what she's feeling anymore. now that i've identified the problem though, i'm ready to to deal with it. now it'll be easier to let go of the anger, easier to ease the grief.

i've been under a lot of stress, i guess. mostly from myself, i know, i'm just stubborn that way, i don't like to ease up on myself, especially when it comes to personal problems. because i feel that ultimately, this is my life and if i want anything done for myself, i will do it. i was explaining this to my mom, this is part of what she couldn't understand. she insisted that i ask my friends here to drive me to class every morning, since it takes so much of my energy and time to walk to class. she says it's okay to impose on them, because i have helped them before in the past, and even if i haven't, i will in the future, it's all fair. but to me, this is out of the question. because this isn't a question of being fair, this is a question of being unnecessarily indebted to someone else due to a personal weakness.

your life, is destined to be a path for one, and only one. no matter how many friends i have, no matter how much love i have in my family, i am my own person, because only i experience 100% of my life, only i see things 100% my own perspective, only i walk in my own shoes. i came into this world alone, and when i leave, naturally i'll be alone. you bring nothing to this world and you bring nothing with you when you leave, but you can leave something behind, and people usually do. that, in itself, is already unfair. life isn't fair, it's never been about that.

i guess i still refuse to see myself as being defeated. even if it hurts, i can still walk. even if it hurts, i can still love. i believe, once again. i had my moments of wavering confidence, but i think it's alright now.

psst psst, guess what. i played soccer two days ago. if you can imagine me wearing an ankle brace, half running after a slightly muddy soccer ball on the quad, past midnight on a friday night, yeah that's me. see, though it hurt, it didn't kill me. i'm fine.