...130702, 0914hr, central time...

how do you like this?

yes, it looks pretty similar to the last design. i did create something completely different, but i demolished everything, because it just didn't feel right. there were gonna be some pretty drastic changes, i guess i chickened out. i also lost my html notebook where i've written all the html tips accumulated through these years, and honestly without it i'm limited by my html vocabulary. but actually i like it this way. minimalistic.

i love blue, there's a sense of peace in this color scheme. rather than the last color scheme, which is warmer. and sweeter. which i guess aren't quite my mood right now.

the theme is exile. exile as in the vow i've taken, exiled from this crazy world of romance. it doesn't mean i will stop feeling, oh i wish i would. no, i do believe i will still be full of crazy emotions for all my friends and my family, but that's because i trust they will not hurt me. besides, i have to channel my warmth somewhere, don't i? i don't think i'm born to be a cold person anyway.

i will take the time to rethink a few things, perhaps more rationally find out why things turned out the way they did. find out what i really want. find out who i really am. yeah, believe it or not, i still don't quite know. the exile isn't meant to be a depressing thing, it's more like just a time of self-discovery. and self-healing.

i'm starting afresh now. wiping the slate clean. everything that's happened in the past is in the past, and they can only help me move forward, i do believe that. after all, after you hit rock bottom, there's no where else to go but up. i don't think i'm at rock bottom yet, no, that would be scary wouldn't it? i'm so calm now it's equally scary. going out with the uiuc people yesterday, i'm glad his name only came up once, and i was able to quickly change the subject. i wonder though how long it'll take before the news travel around this small community and people will start giving me funny looks.

i dreamt of more murdering last night, like secret assassins coming for my life, for some reason. but i wasn't afraid, in fact i was singing. i had a pretty good voice, in my dream, i sang about sunshine and birds and happiness. so somehow, it was a happy dream. i was living on my own, on an island with a kind cook who sings with me, and some other person i don't remember what he does.

i'm tired, i spent the entire day yesterday creating this new design. [alright alright, not exactly new] i also did some japanese. it's been a constructive day. i've stopped crying.