i do have a picture of him. but it's kinda blurred. so let's just not put a face to this name. he's the one i refer to as my ex whatever i say. cos mikey doesn't count. the relationship with mikey barely took off. ws was the one who ever made me feel cherished. precious. loved. we were together for about 2 years. during hwachong jc days. we were the class couple. though none of the teachers knew. cos we were so discreet, we didn't really hang out when we were in school. i had my gang, and he his. but i didn't think it was a big deal, i wanted to keep a low profile. in many ways, i was so shy. when my friends from rjc knew about him, they trooped down to hwachong one day, to see what he looked like. i tried to hide him away. in vain. he was more than happy to meet my friends. but i was embarrassed. not of him, but of the whole big deal of me having a boyfriend. ah, i was so shy. we wrote a lot of letters to each other. in fact, our relationshp started from letters. at first, short notes folded into some ninja-secret-weapon thing. haha. then gradually long 3-4 pages long letters. eventually we shared a love journal. he was such a sweet guy, he wrote some really funny stuff, always to encourage me and to cheer me up. i still have all the letters. of course, we had our tense moments, mostly him being jealous, me being unreasonable and childish, generally. i don't quite remember what exactly happened when we argued. but the making up was always nice. one time, i was so angry, i walked away from him, to go home. he went the opposite direction. i was so upset, i swore i never wanted to see him again. on the other hand, i was hoping to see him before i actually got home, i was childishly hoping to see him at the bus-stop where i take the feeder bus, hoping that he would come, in some miraculous way. i was crying on the bus, thinking how impossible it was. yet, somehow, somehow, somehow, he really went to that bus-stop to meet me. i don't know how he managed to catch the bus that overtook my bus, but his smiling face was waiting for me when i got off my bus. naturally i wasn't angry anymore. i could never stay angry with him. those happy times didn't last forever the way we envisioned it to. eventually we broke up. essentially because of me. essentially because the nicer he was to me, the more i realised i didn't love him. the gravity of our relationship got to me, and i broke it off. he was upset, i was upset, things turned a little ugly, we didn't keep in touch for a year, till i finally decided to email him in june 2000 and he replied. we are friends now. just like in the beginning, and i prefer it this way. he makes a great friend. he'll always be special to me the way no other guy would ever be. because he was my first boyfriend. because he was the first guy to say "i love you" to me. because he's the first guy to have kissed me. girls always remember the first guy. he can't be my last guy, but at least he was my first. |
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