Musings of the missing Matt - August 30, 1998

Howdy Cowfolk and welcome to the big apple, which, I must say, in no way resembles the big banana. I think the good people of the Coffs Harbour tourism commission have very little to fear in the immediate two years. One of my best ever bacon double cheeseburgers was had in Coffs harbour and i must say that the people in the US at burger king have a lot to answer for. You can tell that the burgers over here aren't cooked with love. There, I've got that out of my system.

I hope you are all well. I, at this present stage am fine and dandy, having officially been rid of kids for one whole week. It's quite nice to have left the shady hollow that is Loch Sheldrake, where men are men and women stop having children when they run out of fingers to count them with. Most usually end up with 12 or 13. The last couple of weeks pretty much flew by once you answered the 250 questions about where you proposed to travel next. My third and final session at camp presented me with two of the biggest @$%#wits at camp (one who threatened to sue me twice), as well as four of the coolest kids on camp. These were the four who I told to ask their parents to give me a tip. It worked. I got a $150 bonus from mumsies and dadsies in the big black BMW's and offers to stay in their houses.

For reasons inexplicable to me, a female french camper to whom I gave a snickers ice-cream freeby, took a liking to me to such an extent that she declared her love for me in the dining room about a week from camp. Acting in a very un-Jamie Honan like fashion, I let it slide. Some of the campers were drop dead gorgeous. Add to this, their extreme wealth and you have a lawsuit on your hands soon after.

At the end of second session, I got to tell Richard Dreyfuss that his daughter wants him to leave her alone as she is preparing for a performance. When he entered the room, the whole place fell silent, which for these kids is very, very rare. We thought about ringing him up at curfew time a couple of nights.

The last couple of days were very sad for those who had no life. There were tears hugs and promises made. I got drunk instead, and ended up making friends with a six-foot tall polish girl, which was sort of cool if I could remember it. As for the others, I'll basically see the ones I want to see and know that I've got a lot of free accommodation in Europe if I need it.

I've spent three days sharing a hard New York floor in NY with seven other girls and it is time to say hooray for brothers. Males are the best, chuck out the rest. It took them 30 minutes arguing over where to go, 1.5 hours to get ready and 1 hour to leave. For the most part, I went off searching for fun by myself.

We are now down to three and have just returned from DC where Simpsons episodes spring to mind with regular occurrence. The 3 I am left with are very cool and good looking to. Crying shame that there were only two hotel beds in our room.

DC is the murder capital of the US and you tend to get asked for money a lot which is very Alannis Morissettish as I have very little. They're very american down there and questions about sperm stains on the white house wall don't go down too well when you tour the place. Anyway, too many museums, not enough time. It's actually a place where you could do things very cheaply, cos most stuff is free.

Missed seeing They Might be Giants by 1 day but no-one else really cared. Saw the film "Something about Mary" instead. Haven't laughed so much in the cinema since i saw Quentin's Story.

Went on a free cruise along the Manhattan skyline the other night which was tres cool, as was free Shakespeare in the park.

Hope Mentone AC is kicking along nicely and very excited to hear that Beaumaris have progressed to B grade next year. Good luck in the final too all involved.

Love your work and miss you all lots when I'm drunk and need a lift home...

Bye

Krusty