- Q: What is Gaufqwi?
A: Gaufqwi is a competitive sport in which two players attempt to drive
gerbils into their own designated goal at one end of a rectangular
field. Players are allowed to influence the gerbils with their own
bodies as wells as with the two by four players carry at all times.
Numerous factors make the game more difficult and exciting, especially the
fact only one of the many gerbils on the field at a given time is relevant
for scoring and that killing this or any other gerbil (accidentally or
intentionally) may result in a penalty and an opportunity for one's opponent
to score additional points by 'jigging' the deceased rodent. For
more information, see the official rules of Gaufqwi.
- Q: How do you pronounce Gaufqwi?
A: You pronounce it as follows: goff KWEE. Though few
do, it is considered more proper to pronounce it as the French
would, with the tongue in the back of the mouth.
Q: What equipment is needed to play Gaufqwi?
A: In addition to a medium sized grass field, a proper Gaufqwi
game requires two 2x4 pieces of lumber approximately six feet long, two
spears of moderate sharpness, a supply of gerbils (approx. 100), two cats,
and two pairs of snowshoes. Again, details can be found in the rules.
Q: What officials are required for a Gaufqwi match?
A: Two licensed veterinarians with the skills and equipment needed
to autopsy gerbils and determine cause of death quickly. The vets,
called takers in Gaufqwi parlance, must also be equipped with paintball
guns.
Q: What athletic skills does Gaufqwi most rely on?
A: Speed, reflexes, vision, endurance, concentration, a fierce competitive
spirit. Because even the smallest swardsmen is huge and mighty next
to a gerbil, strength and size matter little.
Q: How difficult is it to learn to play Gaufqwi?
A: Not at all. Most of us have had some experience chasing pets
around our own homes. If you can do that, you can play Gaufqwi.
Q: How difficult is it to learn to play Gaufqwi well?
A: Now THAT takes time. Unlike chasing Fido around the room,
Gaufqwi requires that you focus all your attention on one of many small rodents
scampering around a large field while your opponent tries to move the gerbil
in question in the opposite direction. Proper use of the two by four
takes a great deal of practice, and jigging is an art unto itself.
By far the biggest problem faced by beginning swardsmen is that they are
too aggressive and kill far too many gerbils (I have seen players go through
more than one hundred gerbils in the first half of a match alone.)
Remember, finesse counts for more than force when you are trying to redirect
a gerbil (usually).
Q: Isn't Gaufqwi cruel?
A: Many people ask this, presumably concerned about the mental and
physical health of the little gerbils that make our favorite game possible.
While it is true that gerbils tend to die during Gaufqwi matches, most
expire quickly and painlessly, knocked into oblivion by a widely swung
two by four, neatly skewered during a moments rest by an overly enthusiastic
jigger, or simply crushed under a careless snowshoe. Besides, the
casualty rates are only really high when beginners play, with fewer than
two dozen animals meeting their maker in a typical match between experienced
players. Many serious Gaufqwi enthusiast breed their own gerbils
for the sport, resulting in highly athletic strains that seem to relish
the sport as much as their human colleagues.
Q: I have asked a couple of vets I know to serve as takers for a
Gaufqwi match, but they all act shocked/disgusted/horrified and refuse.
Does this mean I can't play Gaufqwi?
A: Of course not. You should continue to ask around. You
may have to ask dozens of vets to serve as takers before you find two that
don't go off on a self righteous tirade about 'ethics' and 'morals'.
In the meantime, you and your friends may simply take turns serving as
takers, perhaps after a self-taught crash course in veterinary medicine at your local
library. While the official rules of Gaufqwi and tournament play
require that the takers be licensed veterinarians, it's certainly not necessary
for a friendly game.
Q: How can I find others with whom to play Gaufqwi?
A: What's wrong with your friends? Seriously, the nice thing
about Gaufqwi is that virtually anyone can play it. You need to give
this some consideration of course: If you think your friends are the type
to have irrational worries about how Gaufqwi affects the gerbils, it would
probably be better not to bring it up. If you have difficulties finding
potential swardsmen among your acquaintances, ask around at your local
junior high or high school. Gaufqwi has an irresistible appeal for
many young adolescents (especially boys), and many youths make good and
fearsome competitors.
Q: I've heard about this kinky thing some people with gerbils.
Be honest - that's what Gaufqwi is REALLY about, right?
A: No, no, no. While there is a small felching subculture in
the Gaufqwi community, most of us are too focused on the sport to even
consider such 'extracurricular' activities. All gerbil-related recreations are
not created equal.
Q: What is the recommended first aid for a gerbil bite?
A: Clean the wound with warm soapy water, apply an antibacterial such
as Neosporin, dress the wound with an appropriately sized bandage.
If the attack was particularly vicious or unprovoked, have the gerbil checked
for rabies.
Q: What is the recommended first aid for a crushed g erbil?
A: During a game? Jig him! Most takers will not penalize you
for jigging a living gerbil if he was unlikely to survive anyway, and
neatly piercing the little guy's battered body is probably the fastest
way to end his misery anyway. After the match, takers may wish to see
what they can do with the casualties, but it is often pointless to treat
all but the most minor injuries. A post-game jigging free for all is a
good way to mop up and is a thrill for spectators.
Q: Should I tell my friends and family I play Gaufqwi?
There are three types of people in the world:
- Those who have never heard of Gaufqui.
- Those who play Gaufqwi.
- Those who hate Gaufqwi.
If your loved ones are in group II, go ahead, and if they are in
group III, don't bother. If they are, like many people, in group I, you
have to judge what group they are likely to join when you tell them about
Gaufqwi. You probably have a good idea about this based on their
personality, but if you are unsure, here are some clues to look for:
Signs someone will join group II:
Is an adolescent male, Is a loner, Keeps reptiles, Enjoys Beavis
and/or Butthead, Is member of National
Rifle Association, Bets on cockfights, Loves processed meat products,
Listens to Goth music, Is insecure about a
small penis.
Signs someone will join group III:
Is college-aged female, Enjoys
Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Plays obessively with
Tamagotch virtual pet, Is member of
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Feints at sight of
blood, Is a devout
Gerbilist.
