Gaufqwi

2.1.1 The field of play in gaufqwi is known as the sward.

2.1.2 The sward is a 36 foot by 78 foot rectangle. The perimeter of the sward is traced by a one foot high wall of wood or plastic. There is no wall across a four foot stretch in the center of either end to accommodate the goals. These gaps in the wall are known as the exits. (For the purposes of these rules, the "ends" of the sward are to be considered the 36 foot boundaries. The 78 foot boundaries are to be known as the "sides".)

2.1.3 The goals are determined by a four foot by six foot rectangle outside of either end of the sward, one of the four foot sides coinciding with the exit. The first foot of the goal rectangle outside the sward proper is a pit at least one foot deep so that a gerbil passing through the exit will fall safely into it and become trapped. The remaining four by five area is for the staking of the cat. A regulation cat (see below) is to be staked on a chain in this area so that he may reach forward (towards the sward) enough to frighten any gerbil approaching the exit but not enough to harm a gerbil who makes it into the pit. The entire goal rectangle should be enclosed by an actual physical goal consisting of a four by four by five box of some opaque material that is open on the bottom and on the side that coincides with the exit.

2.2.1 Two by Fours: Each player is required to have a two by four as his primarily instrument of gerbil motivation. Regulation two by fours are of soft wood and are between four feet and six feet in length. A player's two by four should be long enough that he can place it on end in front of him and rest his chin on it semi-comfortably by leaning forward slightly.

2.2.2 Spears: Players are required to have spears for jigging. Regulation spears are from three to five feet long and must be exactly one foot shorter than the player's two by four. No limitations are made on the materials from which the spear is made; however all spears should be of a similar sharpness. The proper test for sharpness is to drop the spear from a height of six feet into a watermelon placed on end. The spear should enter but not completely penetrate the melon.

2.2.3 Snowshoes: All players must wear snowshoes.

2.2.4 Gerbils: Between fifty and a hundred gerbils are necessary for a full length gaufqwi game. Regulation gerbils must be of the genus Tatera or Meriones. All gerbils must be equipped with either blue or black helmets. Fashion color or pastel helmets are not permitted, as the bright colors might tend to distract the players or gerbils.

2.2.5 Cats: Two cats are required for a gaufqwi game (one for each goal). All common domestic cats are permissible but alley cats and strays are recommended (House cats tend to be too docile). Cats should not be fed for two days prior to a gaufqwi game. Immediately before the opening bleat (see below), both cats should be taunted by dangling a dead rodent on a string just out of their reach.

2.2.6 Paint Pellet Guns: Two paint pellet guns are needed for the takers to identify the target gerbil (see below). The guns should not be so powerful as to injure a gerbil struck by the pellet, but should have a range of at least half the length of the sward.

2.2.7 Paint Pellets: Paint pellets should be a bright color, preferably orange or yellow. Red is unacceptable since it is difficult to distinguish from blood at a distance.

2.2.8 Other Officiating Equipment: The takers also require chairs, bear traps, and autopsy equipment as outlined below, but there are no set standards for these. It is also required that both takers have some official scorekeeping and timekeeping device.

8.1 The history of gaufqwi begins with the hunter gatherers found tens of thousands of years ago in the French Alps. Wearing snowshoes, these primitive men would set out each day to hunt the wooly mammoth. They discovered that more effective than shooting the huge animals was frightening them over the edge of a cliff. This became something of a game for the hunters, who were too primitive to have any other means of recreation. The slow moving mammoths made for a long and grueling game, however, and primitive man began to look for smaller and smaller animals to chase over cliffs. After several million years, primitive man was chasing gerbils into little pits. This was great fun but did not provide a viable food source. It was thus decided that the gerbil hunt should be formalized into a game, with the winners receiving as a prize a wooly mammoth captured by another group of primitive men. (This early ancestor of gaufqwi was thus part of one of the steps to civilization: division of labor.) By this time, primitive man had migrated out of the mountains (though they were still wearing snowshoes) and wooly mammoths were extinct. The sheep was chosen as a substitute, primitive man deciding that the operative word was "wooly" rather than "mammoth". The tradition of beginning a game with the bleating of a sheep arose from primitive man's desire to be sure he had a prize before he began a game. This game of gerbil hunting faded out of popularity but continued to exist in folk history as primitive man grew into modern man.

The game was revived and put into its modern form (including jigging, which was unknown to primitive man) in the late eighteenth century by the French intellectual, the Marquis de Sade. de Sade also gave the game the name gaufqwi from the French gaufre, "waffle" (from the marks left on the gerbils by the snowshoes) and "qwi", an onomotapoetic spelling of the sound made by the excited little animals. Since its introduction and subsequent rise in popularity in France, the most important event in gaufqwi's history was its introduction to the United States. In 1987, a collection of gaufqwi equipment and gerbils slipped through customs and by chance fell into the hands of a French -American ticket attendant named Jack Lablague. He remembered his father's tales of gaufqwi in France, and after holding several tournaments with the equipment he had found, discovered the joy of the sport himself. He founded the National Gaufqwi League to further the importation of gaufqwi into the United States. Though the popularity of the sport grew slowly, it has recently become a near phenomenon in some parts of the country. Gaufqwi in America did suffer a setback when, in a tournament in Texas in 1991, an overexcited gerbil spontaneously and violently combusted, killing both players. Despite this, gaufqwi continues to grow in popularity. The National Gaufqwi League hopes you'll become a part of this exciting sport.