These Are the Jokes Folks: One billion. (Clean Jokes)

Champagne to my real friends and real pain to my sham friends.

"Today," said the professor , "I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen."

Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, "Ugh, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's an organ recital!"

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have..."

The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

DEFINITION OF A SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked.

Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog."

Hank said, "My God! Was he mad?"

Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.

The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife. They approved.

The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approved.

The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.

Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding and infant. The crowd cheers.

The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.

The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says: "Anybody got a match?"

"The Postal Service announced that legendary Secretariat will be honored with his own stamp." That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back." (Jay Leno)

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Michael Kadish

"People do not quit playing because they grow old ... They grow old because they quit playing." -Oliver Wendell Holmes