Betrothal

To my great surprise I discovered, after years of moaning that God seemed to give so little advise on the subject of dating and marriage applicable at the end of the 20th Century, that there is in fact a solid and consistent teaching running through scripture. Most Christians accept that there is a proper limit to physical intimacy outside of marriage [for example the hundreds of thousands of teenagers in Africa and the US who have signed the True Love Waits pledge not to have sex before marriage]. However C.S.Lewis convincingly argues in The Four Loves that Venus (what he calls sexuality) is only one aspect of Eros (romanic love). I have seen huge amounts of pain caused when Christian dating couples have split up, even when the couples were physically chaste. The central element in Eros is really emotional intimacy - as poetry attests - and chaste Christian dating is still vunerable to the heart-break and psycological damage of broken relationships.

The modern pattern is:
flirting >> dating >> engagement >> marriage.

In scripture the pattern is simpler:
prospective couple & their parents consider possibility of betrothal >> betrothal >> marriage.

In the modern pattern only the final stage is one of real commitment and security - although exclusive dating realationships give an illusion of security. Heart-break is a constant danger and barrier to vulnerability. In the biblical pattern only the first stage is open to withdrawal, and this hopefully will be before any emotional bond has formed between the couple, and therefore a descision against betrothal will not result in heart-break. The idea is that the people involved carefully seek God concerning the proposed betrothal (with a clarity or mind not available to a dating couple considering marriage). Once the betrothal is decided, it is binding and marriage necessarily follows. The betrothal period (a year perhaps) is a time free from Venus and free from the dangers of brokenness, in which the couple learn about each other and develop emotional intimacy and attatchment. The key difference between the two models is: today marriage follows accidental love, in scripture deliberate love follows marriage.

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I really encourage you to study and seriously consider applying what the Bible has to say on betrothal. To help, here are some articles by Jonathan Lindvall on the subject, the links are to his website [Bold Christian Living], and also copies of some articles in Word 6 format on this site, which I encourage you to download, print out and read through with a pen at hand to scibble thoughts and questions:

Introduction [Word 6 file]

Scriptual Romance [Word 6 file]

Comparison of dating/courtship/betrothal

A modern example: Matthew & Maranatha

Any questions?
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