FAQ on love, dating, betrothal and marriage

What is 'falling in love'
Falling in love is a notion that originated in the late medieval period, was popularized somewhat through literature of such men as Shakespeare, and seems to have come into full acceptance in the eighteenth century through the Romantic philosophers (Rousseau, et al.). The notion finds its most blatant expression in a popular phrase in America, "If it feels good, do it." This whole notion is not only not founded in scripture, but is contrary to it. Emotions are wonderful, but they are not intended to lead us. Prov.23.29 says, "Guide your heart in the way."

What is the biblical model of betrothal?
One of the parties, probably more often the man or his parents, is the human initiator. For example:
1) If a man begins sensing the Lord may want him to marry a particular young lady, he should pray about this and
fairly quickly reveal his heart to his father.
2) His parents should the pray for the Lord's direction and study the young lady's qualifications for marriage (Prov. 31) and try to determine compatibility.
3) Assuming all three conclude this really is God's will, either the young man (preferable) or his father should approach the young lady's parents and ask them to pray about and study the matter.
4) Only if they together are at peace before the Lord regarding this should they even share the idea with their daughter. During this whole process the young lady's heart is the one most needing protection, but the young man should also guard his heart to not get ahead of the process.
5) After the young lady has prayed and studied the man, and has a high degree of confidence that this is the Lord, she should communicate this with her parents.
6) Assuming that all six individuals (four parents and two young people) are confident this is a good match, the young lady's father should then allow the young man to propose marriage.
7) Upon the confirmation of authorization of all parents, and the young lady's acceptance of the proposal, an irrevocable (except for moral impurity) betrothal should then be announced.
8) After the commitment is made and announced the young people are authorized to release their hearts to one another ("fall in love"). Scripturally, the wedding authorizes physical union. What does the betrothal authorize? Apparently emotional bonding.

Can betrothal work if the parents are not Christians?
Unquestionably every aspect of life would flow more smoothly if we could deal exclusively with Christian people. Yet in the real world God has placed us in this is not the case. Yet this doesn't invalidate His principles for our lives, but rather, tests our trust in Him to work even in and through imperfect situations and vessels. God instructs us to honour our parents whether they are believers or not. There is one significant command that Paul noted came with a "PROMISE". In Eph. 6:1-3 he commands, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honour your father and mother,' which is the first commandment with promise: 'that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.'". God promises that it will be well for those who "honour" their parents, and Paul then makes the application that this must be lived out by "obeying" parents. Today we typically apply this only to little children, whereas the scriptural commands to "honour" father and mother were generally given to adults. Jesus rebuked adult Pharisees for using their traditions to excuse them from honouring father and mother (Matt. 15:1-9; Mark 7:5-13). And the promised reward of such honour is what we would call *success* ("It will be well with you"). That's a pretty hefty promise! Furthermore, Prov. 21:1 states, "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes." I believe this principle applies to all authorities. Even ungodly authorities are used by God to bless His people. That's why Paul refers to even wicked authorities as "God's minister to you for good" (Rom. 13:1-7). If this applies to civil authorities, how much more must it apply to parental authority?

How do I approach her parents?
If the parents are approachable Christians who understand and accept the principle of betrothal, then this should be fairly easy! The more likely scenario is that they are not aware of Biblical betrothal and/or are not christians. Pray and entrust God with ministering to the parents hearts, ask for courage and clarity and then contact them. This tract might help you in explaining the concept to them; initially them will probably be very surprised and perhaps think it all sounds rather strange, however I expect most parents would be pleased to be consulted on their daughter's marriage and impressed at your desire not to 'defraud' her. Once you've explained the situation to them comes the toughest test of your trust in God - leaving them to decide whether or not to give their approval. If at any point there is reticence, you can trust the Lord to either remove the reticence if the match is His will, or intensify it if it is not, even in the heart of non-believing authorities.

Has God got a particular partner planned for everyone?
There is much debate among Christians about this question. One viewpoint is that everyone has many possible partners with compatible personalities and callings, whose marriage God would approve of. Another viewpoint is that God has a *perfect* will for every decision in a person's life. If this is so, certainly marriage is one of the most significant decisions any of us ever make, and God would have a perfect plan. Thankfully, in His sovereignty God somehow redeems our mistakes, and even blatant defiance (obviously sin), and works His glory and our good through them. We can rest in that. In practice it probably doesn't matter what one believes on this issue as much as whether one simply wants to glorify God. Either way, the believer who wants to please God will be open to correction or confirmation from the Lord through any vessel He chooses. In the area of marriage, it is very clear that God's design is to use parents to confirm or correct single people's choices.

If 1.Thessalonians.4.6 explicitly applies to dating, shouldn't it read 'defraud his sister'?
The mandate against defrauding assumes the one being hurt is the young lady's father or future (or present) husband. If
young Christian men saw each young lady they *dated* as someone else's future wife, they would likely treat the young women quite differently. In fact they would likely not date them at all, if they thought through the *Golden Rule*. Jesus said (Matt. 7:12) "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them." Would I want someone else to *date* my future wife? Not likely. Then I should not *date* someone else's future wife. Quite simple!!! and scary. It's not just (or perhaps even primarily) the woman who is being defrauded, but rather her future husband. Thus Paul speaks of not defrauding my "brother."
Note that Paul concludes this passage by emphasizing (v. 8), "he who rejects this does not reject man, but God." That is quite a closing! He takes this issue very seriously.

Should we reintroduce the dowry & bride-price?
In a sense we still retain this principle in our culture through the giving of expensive jewellery (rings). However perhaps this does not properly fulfil the purpose God intends through the dowry & bride-price. Clearly, if our betrothals and marriages are intended to point to Christ and the church (they are intended so) we find the picture incomplete without a clear emphasis on the bride-price. Jesus purchased us, His cherished bride, with the ultimate price, His own blood.

[credit: much of this material is adapted from correspondence with Jonathan Lindvall of Bold Christian Living]