Many programmes have attempted to tap into the lucrative popular appetite for trashy and manipulative entertainment. The talk-show culture that personifies the United States, which is simultaneously the most powerful and child-like nation on the globe, was forged by pioneers such as Oprah Winfrey, Geraldo and Phil Donahue. Yet talk-shows lost their way, their entertainment value was subverted by a moralistic agenda. Sally J.R. rose on a platform which catered to the social anxiety among the most infantile elements of the American population. Shows such as "Help I need a holiday make-over", "I was teased at school...look at me now!" and "Send my troublesome teen to boot-camp" swept onto the scene. Entertainment was compromised in the name or moral rectitude. Platitudes such as "believe in yourself", "I'm OK and you're OK", and "it's not your fault" twisted the confused minds of old and young alike as we hurtled through those heady days of the mid-1980s. Western civilisation was, and in many ways still is, lost. Oprah Winfrey's diets and Sally J.R.'s oversized glasses had a dark flip side to them: the denial of quality entertainment to a youth audience fatigued by endless re-runs of "I've got a secret crush on my best friend". Something new was needed. As the character Virgil says in Dante's "Inferno": 'thou must take another path if thou will ever escape this savage place.' Hope seemed futile, a generation of misled and frustrated youngsters turned in desperation to the false prophets of "Full House" and "Family Ties". Years passed...countless hours were wasted on second rate shows.

Yet, as history so often teaches us, in the hour of greatest slaughter the avenger was born. Amidst the flames of Troy one man emerged with a vision, to recapture the fundamental qualities of entertainment which would bring pleasure to millions of households. This is a tale of arms and of a man, fated to be criticised by right-wing zealots and limp-wristed lefties alike. It is hard to believe that the TV executives who make mini-series are capable of such rancour to impose their garbage on us all. Sing O heavenly muse...

Visionary men are often treated with disrespect in their lifetimes. Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Winston Churchill and others all experienced harsh criticism from the arrogant and foolish. Yet they preserved. Jerry brought something special, almost spiritual, into our lives. He gave us the voyeuristic thrill that talk shows are all about, seeing people less fortunate than ourselves and laughing at the hilarity of their circumstances. We all cried tears of mirth as Jerry "rescued" a 1,200 pound couple and chortled as we saw them try to eat fried chicken. We were treated to quality programming such as "My mother's girlfriend is 17", "My brother is a pimp" and "I refuse to wear clothes".

The humiliation of others, however, was not enough to sate our appetites. We needed more, much more. In the words of Damian Kwok, a committed Jerry fan: "We've got to get more of the real stuff <froths at mouth>...I've got to get that sweet, sweet Springer. Oh yeah, he's da bomb!" Indeed, he is 'da bomb' for many reasons, the most important of which is the fighting. Shows such as "Guest attack" allowed us to watch hand-to-hand battles between homosexual KKK members, pregnant mothers who were having affairs with their cousins and hick who were squatting at their parents' houses. The battles were delicious. Weapons of all kinds were taken into the fray: bouquets of flowers [conveniently provided by the show -Ed.], chairs, shoes - anything at hand. The rules and motivation were simple: one combatant would vow to "whup yo' ass fo' dis'ing me". This is what television is all about, victory smelt as sweet as napalm fumes rising from a Vietnamese village. As one guest so succinctly put it: "*#@$% you ya #@$%^* or I'll $%$^&@ and #@$& before I *^&##$%^!#$%@^," before summarising with the age old question: 'So how did it feel with my boot up yo' ass, bitch?'

So when you get exhausted by being screwed around at work or school and when Felicity or Dawson's Creek try to feed you some new age quackery, settle down in front of Jerry. Get a can of Pringles, a bag of nachos, Cheesy-Poofs or whatever take your fancy and escape to a world of excitement. As the guests brawl with each other, immerse yourself in the thick of it and chant along with the audience "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" When you finish you will be redeemed and reinvigorated, thanks to a show that is genuinely 'sweet' in every sense of the word. Above all, remember as Jerry teaches us:

"Be good to yourself...and each other."

- Jesse