INITIATION IV: CRUCIFIXION (November 1980 - December 1982): The Eighth State: Brahman Consciousness
Part IV (June 1982 - December 1982))
On Nancy M.'s recommendation, I brought along a list of questions for Ron Scholastico --- What was my Soul-name? What other lifetimes might be relevant to my lessons now? What was the nature of my relationship with Kerry? Was my relationship with Annie over? Did I have a spiritual master anymore? --- and so on.
Ron was a quiet, rather sharp-featured, professional-looking man of manifest intelligence. I liked him immediately, but remained a bit wary. He ushered Kerry and me into the sitting-room, started the tape-player, leaned back, and closed his eyes. He said a short prayer of attunement, breathed deeply, and began to speak. I was fascinated, and my defenses dropped away. I could feel an angelic presence just over his head, beaming unconditional love and wisdom to us. It told me my Soul name; mentioned some relevant lifetimes, warned of deep issues of infidelity with my "mating one, Kerry" (which I assumed was Ron's misinterpretation of the issues between Annie and me); said that in the deepest sense, a relationship was never over; that love always remained between souls; and said that yes, there was a radiant one who was willing to serve as my archetype of growth. The spoken message was not 100% pure --- it seemed a mix of Ron and the angel --- but the energies flowing through Ron were mind-blowing to me. I was uplifted and inspired. I had never seriously thought of allowing the angels to speak through me; to bless through me. I wanted to learn how to do this!
Meanwhile, Kerry and I were still not sure of each other. Her old boyfriend came back to town over the July-4th weekend. She and her mother accepted his invitation to attend the Independence Day fireworks at the Fairfield Reservoir. There was nothing else to do, so I went too --- alone. It seemed the whole town had turned out; there were thousands of people there. I felt drawn to Kerry; was she thinking of me? Did she still desire her first lover, or was she simply trying to make me jealous? I felt that if she really cared for me, I would find her tonight. It seemed a Herculaean task. The reservoir was huge and unlit; she could be anywhere amongst the acres of milling humanity. As dusk slipped into total darkness, I followed my intuition, walking purposefully among the throngs of now-invisible people. At last, I received no further signal, and stopped short, giving up: I had failed. At that moment, the woman in front of me spoke --- it was Kerry! I knew then that she and I were meant to be together. I greeted the trio enthusiastically, and we all watched the fireworks together.
In August, I left the CCP course --- I was so energized, it didn't seem to matter anymore if I was awake or meditating; it all felt the same, and I was tired of sneaking in late every night --- and soon moved into an apartment on the town square with Kerry. We lived over a barber-shop. Ron Scholastico's teacher, the psychic and channeler Carla Gordan, wanted to come to Fairfield to teach a course in psychic healing. We offered her the use of our apartment, and got to take the course for free. She was a large, motherly woman who was a "full-trance" channeler --- she had no memory of what was said through her. Her guides were different than Ron's --- they felt "higher," more aloof, less emotionally nurturing, and more accurate. Their delivery was extremely rapid, well-enunciated, and direct. They told me bluntly that I had spent several lifetimes being a Buddha, leaving my wife and family to gain enlightenment, and that in this lifetime it was time for me to integrate the enlightenment with the normal life of a householder, being "in the world but not of it." I didn't particularly wish to hear this. I still wanted to go up and out.
It was a most amazing course. She showed us how to run our hands above a person's body, feel and diagnose their energy fields, work with the chakras, and so forth. Most important for me was a technique she gave us to transmit spiritual healing: She told me to bring my consciousness up through the top of my head to a radiant source of light above, which was "Grand Central" of the dimensions. There, I was to open to Divinity, and invite it to pour down through me like a hollow tube, healing me along the way as it moved into the other person. She assigned us to our healing partners; I was allotted a woman I didn't much care for, personally.
I tried the technique, and I was lifted out of my personal feelings, and into an ocean of unconditional love, which then flowed through me and into her. As the session ended, she felt great, and so did I! I felt energized rather than drained, for I had tapped an infinite source of energy rather than using my own personal energy for healing. I felt clean and delightfully open in my abdominal area; even my voice now sounded fuller and more resonant. Carla's guides told me I had cleared two lifetimes of karma in that session, and that sounded about right. It was awesome! Here I had a technique for contacting the deep pool of the infinite that I had reached in meditation, but now I could apply it to another as well. Two for the price of one! Feeling the Absolute moving was infinitely more satisfying than merely reposing in it. I was giddy with the new possibilities of service.
That evening I meditated, and I immediately "saw" a golden corridor of light extending from around my body up into the infinite, much like a radiant elevator shaft. Every "floor" of the shaft was being tended by various beings. I was lifted up this shaft, and at the top, sitting in an ocean of ecstatic bliss far above the Earth, was a circle of seven splendid beings, whom I knew to be Angels or Masters. They conveyed to me that they wished to try an experiment, and attempt to bring this bliss into Earth. If I wished to work with them in bringing this to pass, I was welcome. I agreed whole-heartedly, and we began to work together for hours on end. Seven hours would fly by like seven minutes. They told me that for me, conscious channeling was better than trance-work, as the goal was conscious integration and fusion with these aspects of my Higher Self.
I asked Kerry and her mother to ask questions of the Guides through me, and I would attempt to move my consciousness between "this" world and the "other" world to convey the questions to these Masters, and to bring back the Masters' replies. The answers --- and energies --- were good; at first the power pouring through was almost overwhelming and I was hard-put to keep from bouncing around the room, as in practicing the sidhi for levitation, but it smoothed out with practice. I now had fulfilled a deep desire that I had thought to be impossible. I was following in Edgar Cayce's footsteps. A circle began to form of interested seekers. The Guides recommended that we place crystals around the room to enhance our receptivity to the Masters' subtle blessings, and we did. Initially neutral, I became fascinated by crystals' ability to hold and transmit devic or angelic energies.
The Guides called it a Wisdom School, and began giving us all sorts of interesting knowledge. "Know by Being," they said. The Universe was essentially a candy store; open to know a thing fully by saying "I am ..." and feeling the subtle energy patterns of that being. This seemed to be what Maharishi had called "name and form:" simply by pure contemplation on a thing's name, one could discover or "manifest" its associated form. I had discovered that this was easy; when clients would come asking about various loved-ones not present, I only had to know their name to access all kinds of helpful information about them.
The Guides recommended that we identify with various Masters and Deities to feel the different flavors. "Our presence IS our blessing;" they often said, and indeed it was so. We sat in the divine blessings and heard the messages of Jesus, our own Higher Christ Selves, Mother Mary, Yogananda, Buddha, Babaji, Guru Dev, Archangel Michael, Archangel Gabriel, Siva, Krishna, Radha ... the list was endless. "Truth is borne on the carrier-wave of Love," they would say. "Open to the Love; ask to be raised to the highest vibration that is comfortable in this moment. ..." And the Love would fill the room in palpable waves of warmth, and we would fill with Light and Love and Laughter.
I learned more and more to feel and identify with the vibrations of the Masters; we encouraged everyone to make conscious contact and begin channeling, and everyone did. At times, Nancy M. and I worked together to help people make connection with their Guides. We made a good team; Nancy worked on the earthly level, helping people make "breakthroughs" by clearing psychological blocks to connecting with Divinity, while I soared in the spatial realms, monitoring and strengthening their connecting "soul-thread," and helping them discern the various levels of consciousness available to them.
I also started doing a lot of work with discarnate entities. From the psychic point of view, our apartment was sending a huge, bright beam of light up into the aethers, and it served as a beacon to a large number of confused souls, many of whom did not know they were dead. I had been given a very good prayer from the T.I.C. by Nancy --- it went something like "Dear One, you are healed and forgiven. You are filled and surrounded by the love of God; you are filled and surrounded by the light of God. I ask Jesus [or whatever master you prefer] to take you to your right place, to your own perfect paradise. Go in peace." This was to be repeated as many times as needed, until one saw the entity go completely into the light, or felt a light, effervescent quality in the atmosphere, or both. It was interesting to see how the souls envisioned the path to the light --- one fellow, who was still in his World-War-II uniform, saw his girlfriend arrive on an old train; he boarded and up they went! I later found it possible to bless a whole cemetery at once; watching as an enormous shaft of gold poured down and swept dozens of souls up into its love simultaneously.
Our circle grew and grew and grew. People began donating foodstuffs and money; and I soon began charging for private sessions. What a balm to my self-esteem! As word spread and demand increased, I raised my prices from $5 to $10 to $15, and later to $20, and finally to $30 for a private session of about an hour. It seemed that the more I charged, the more people came. I enjoyed some personal prosperity for the first time, and discovered that I loved to eat in restaurants! The channeled material continued to be highly accurate and uplifting. I laughed a lot while channeling; it felt so good on all levels. I noticed that this love began freeing people from the fear that the Movement was their only salvation, and reminded them of what the Movement had originally taught --- that Divinity was within. Many of my erstwhile TM-friends and course-mates now shunned me for a heretic; I didn't care. I had found what I had been seeking so long.
Sometime in October, Nancy M. introduced me to Robin Carlson, who was enjoying a rather large cult-following in Fairfield at that time. A TM-teacher who had experienced some enlightenment, he had now "gone rogue" and was creating his own movement, publishing several extremely complex books, offering courses, and passing out his picture for contemplation by his devoted followers. The TM Movement was infuriated, sending their "security people" to spy on his meetings and take names of attendees. Soon they were excommunicating all his followers, expelling students from the University and asking TM employers to fire any Carlsonite employees. While Robin's guru-aspects turned me off, I was nonetheless impressed with his gifts.
Robin was a skilled manifester, practicing much the same techniques of name-and-form that we practiced in our circle. The difference was that Robin showed no great desire to share the knack with his followers, but exhibited it as another example of his own superiority. "Robin, by the Grace of God, would you manifest..." a follower would reverently intone, and with grace, Robin would condescend to fulfill their desire.
More than this, though, Robin had an interesting --- and disturbing --- world-view. An ex-drama-teacher, he saw the world as a divine drama: a perennial conflict between the divine and the demonic in each of us. Robin also had an enviable certainty that he was always right; he trusted his perceptions completely, and did not hesitate to label one as "in the grip of the demonic." This came as a shock to those of us used to Maharishi's continual focus on the good, and omission of anything negative; to me it seemed to fall short of Unity Consciousness, wherein one takes full responsibility for one's own perceptions as being aspects of Oneself, but it served to stir many of us out of our complacency.
While I didn't care for his world-view, I had to admit that he did, indeed, have a razor-sharp intellect, beautiful intuition, deep compassion, and unhesitating honesty. When I rose to speak with him at one of his circles, I was aghast at the strong dissociation I began experiencing --- as if I weren't participating at all, just watching this dance between his mind and mine; or as if we were both watching my mind while the conversation flowed on automatically. Within the space of a few moments, we went deeper and deeper into my mind, until in the spotlight of our combined consciousness, I saw a small, squirming, wriggling, power-hungry entity trying to escape the light. It --- I --- was shocked and stunned, frozen in Robin's gaze like a deer in headlights; I literally couldn't speak for my --- its --- fear that was lodged in my throat. "You see!" Robin shouted triumphantly. "The demonic is stupid!" I was crushed, humiliated, surrounded in a cloud of grey-blue light. I went home, sat on the bed, and vomited up old emotions, from deep in my belly, sobbing for two hours, until my whole pillow was sodden. I could feel angelic hands patting my field all over, anointing me with creamy white light. The next day I returned to Robin's and thanked him for what he had done; my whole psychic field felt looser and richer. I had begun to let go of identifying with my power-center.
Throughout the fall, Kerry, Nancy and I were almost inseparable, spending nearly every waking hour reviewing and applying the Guides' lessons to our daily lives. We took frequent excursions up to Iowa City in Nancy's plush new van, discussing spiritual truths over the Alan Parsons Project and Bob Marley on the van's stereo, and going for channelings and flower-essence healings in Iowa City.
I mentioned to Kerry's mother that I frequently saw Kerry's Goddess Self; she replied that perhaps it was my own Self I was seeing. I misunderstood, and thought she was saying that I was trying to enhance my own Ego through claiming higher states of consciousness. I was mentally paralyzed --- I could see both my and "her" view equally --- I couldn't decide who was right! My whole being became caught up in this paralysis for several days. I was still chewing on it as I went to my friend John C.'s birthday party --- this was in November of 1982 --- and I mentioned my dilemma to Margaret, a wonderfully wise friend from our circle. Margaret said, "It sounds as if you are working on 'I am That, Thou art That, All this is That, That alone is'" --- the Mahavakya, or "Great Saying" that one's teacher uses at precisely the right moment to propel one into complete enlightenment. I gasped. Everything broke open, and wholeness poured in. "Thank you!" I told Margaret fervently. I saw that the Universe was not stingy; if I needed a teacher at any moment, one would be provided!
Over the next month or so, my mind felt crystal-clear, and I noticed that I could enjoy pretty much any state of consciousness --- Cosmic, God, Unity --- at will; it was as if I were in all of these simultaneously, and could focus on whatever layer I wished to perceive. About this time, Nancy and I took another course of Carla's up in Iowa City, which served to heal and open me still further. I learned how to cut astral "cords" and remove subtle toxins from the body in a kind of psychic surgery, and Carla removed more "armor" from my own subtle abdomen, which fine-tuned my emotional empathy immensely. Carla and her Guides said I was now effectively one of the Guides myself.
I began to question Maharishi's criteria, though --- it seemed I had been measuring my growth for too long on someone else's yardstick. For me it was not important now to be constantly in a state of witnessing; so what were my criteria now? What were my desires? I decided now what I wanted was to live in a state of perfection.
My mind lit up in excitement; I could have anything I wanted! Immediately objections to perfection flitted up through the layers; I answered them all as quickly as they rose in a rapid dialectic, until I had sunk to the bottom of the mind; there were no more objections. I was in a state of perfection. I opened my eyes, and everything was different. My Higher Self had completely vanished, and I was empty --- on a terrifyingly, delightfully vast scale! "I" no longer existed --- there was only That. My Solar Plexus felt as if it had been pulled out and spread all over the world.
I now saw that the pure consciousness I had always taken to be Absolute, had in actuality been subtle Ego; had been my Soul; had been my Solar Angel; who was now absorbed back into something infinitely larger --- the World Soul. Everything was now exactly the same substance, rock-bottom; the pure, perfect Ground of Being. For the first time, I saw that Enlightenment did not depend on experience; on one's perceptions, but rather the other way around: First one decided what knowledge was real, and then one's perceptions or experiences supported that understanding. It was exhilarating, and confusing, and immense, and overwhelming. There was no escaping it, and there was absolutely nothing left to do. The Divine Immensity accepted me completely as I was, in its own crystal-clear substance, as it did a fire hydrant or dog excrement. We were all exactly the same. The words "Crucifixion" and "Nirvana" rang through me. The lamp was blown out. The veil was ripped open. It was finished. This was my Crucifixion or Renunciation Initiation, where the Higher Self now descended as far as my Navel Center and overlapped the Lower Self which had ascended as far as my Heart Center or Buddhic Subplane, the Realm of Air. Interestingly, while my (Western) Astrological Chart abounds with Planets in the Earth, Water, and Fire Signs, I have very little Air in my Chart, and Kerry and her mother were the first Air Signs I had ever known well. They were certainly instrumental in helping me through this most difficult Initiation!
It was so simple --- in a way, deep inside, I had always been profoundly "here," but had always looked for something more, something different, something flashier --- and so I had covered up this primal truth. I was stunned that I had spent the last nine years meditating to somehow reach where I already was. What a joke! And it wasn't until I let go of meditating, let go of the idea of a path, and decided to claim my own reality now, that I had found what I had been meditating so long to find. The irony was priceless.
I had always heard that meditators who got enlightened went to Maharishi for confirmation, and I half-heartedly felt I should do the same. On the second day of my Crucifixion/Nirvana, I went to the TM Center, told them what had happened, and asked to speak with Maharishi. They decided to connect me with a TM-Sidhi administrator. They had me wait. After an hour or two, I realized there was no point in waiting any longer --- everything was exactly the same! What did I most want? I wanted to go eat a grilled-cheese sandwich. I left, went to a restaurant, and had a grilled-cheese sandwich.
That afternoon, my friend Peter Melody began reading to me from the Brahma-Sutra --- a compendium for those who had reached my state, to help them anchor and integrate the experience. It described the state of Brahman: "Akasha (Space) is Brahman." "Yes, I see that," I said. "Light is Brahman." "Yes, O.K.," I said. "Prana (Breath; Life-force) is Brahman." "Wait!" I said. "I don't see that!" I contemplated the phrase, paid attention to my breathing, and found that breath was bliss! This was, indeed, the next step I was looking for. There was actually a quality of Divinity beyond the pure emptifulness of Being. I thanked Peter and went home. Once again, Divinity had provided a teacher when I most needed one.
The third day, I attended to my breath again, and found my entire perception changing --- the crystalline quality within the apartment walls began to quicken, to warm up into the laughter of the Goddess' face. It seemed that Mind had now been satisfied by its plummet into Brahman, into Buddhi; and now it was Heart's turn to develop and unfold into Spirit. That day's mail included a letter from Annie with pictures of home, and my heart flooded with love as I thought of my friends and family there. I was also pretty sure that our marriage was over, but I wanted to return to tie up any loose ends.
That day, the TM folks called me up, made another appointment, and drove me to the TM offices, where I had a conversation by phone with TM-Sidhi Administrator Greg W. Now, I had known Greg for a long time, and he had always struck me as another one of the TM-Nazis -- a power-hungry petty tyrant, who did not hesitate to throw people off courses and out of the Movement, revoking their flying-badges for relatively petty infractions. My infractions were no longer petty! I had noticed over the past few months though, that his face had begun to light up when he saw me. On the phone with him, as I freely admitted the non-TM process through which I had gotten "here" --- channeling, Robin Carlson, the inner dialectic --- I had a sudden revelation of his Soul, and the deep paternal love and duty that he felt. I started to cry as my love for him overflowed; I found myself telling him what I had thought of him, and how I now saw him.
He was somewhat non-plussed, I think; he did not throw me out of the Movement --- though he did ask if I had my flying-badge with me (I didn't). He recommended that I stick with my TM program, and told me about some advanced M.I.U. course programs available. At this point, I felt that I already had full access to any knowledge I needed. He asked what my plans were, and suggested that I go home to visit my family. I agreed that was good advice; I had just been thinking of going back East for Christmas.
